mothers death: it never ends
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|Mon, 07-25-2005 - 3:09pm|
As I drove home from visiting my friends today (for it was a holiday in Utah to celebrate the pioneers who established the state), I broke down into another and seemly familiar nightmare where its all I can do to blink rapidly to keep the tears from obstructing my driving vision. I've always suffered from depression and sadness, but with the coming of my mothers death 10 months ago I now feel as if my heart has no room to beat and is slowly being crushed in my overwhelming grief and sadness. She died at the early age of 53 in an accident. I only say accident because i don't know what else to call it. Her scuba partner momentarily lost track of her for a mere 10 minutes, and in those minutes it seems all the world looked the other way while my mother struggled, and was found dead on the top of the cold dark lake. With working air tanks, and no water in her lungs, her accident was pronounced a mystery. All I know is that the thick bronze waxy makeup they use for funerals was not enough to cover the mysterious dark bruises high on her cheek bones, and that I have horrible flashes of my mothers body lying in a pool of water while CPR is performed on her for over an hour. I have yet to visit a lake or a swimming pool, and while all my friends ask why I don't return to lifeguarding, I don't care to admit that I'd probably have a panic attack and instead of seeing the unconscious little boy who needs CPR, I'd see my mother instead; I wouldn't be able to perform.
I'm sure its normal to think of death and even long for it when someone, especially when they are your core and your rock is taken from you. But there isn't a day that I don't pray to get in an accident of my own on my way to Salt Lake, or that I'll have a heart attack from so much exercise and so little nutrients, or even for some fatal sexually transmitted disease contracted from days when I was younger and stupid and having sex was important. And yet here I am, still living and surprized that I haven't dropped dead from a broken heart. I find it so ironic that God takes those who love life, and leaves those who just long to return to him and feel that peace that they have longed for almost their entire lives.
Life seems so dull and boring, like nothing is at all important anymore. I graduate next spring and I'm apparently supposed to be married by now; its Utah tradition, didn't you know? Yet the thought of graduating, of getting married even if I wanted/could makes me long for that long awaited accident that I swear I'm supposed to have any day now. I cried to my roommate when I got home about my dispair, but I guess the questions that I have for this board are as follows:
I live in a world where my mother still makes raisen oatmeal every morning and drives her ugly yellow car that depicts a middle aged woman going through a mid-life crisis. Where my fat little duchound barks madly when she comes home from work and she greets the dog as well as her children as if she hasn't seen them in weeks. Where she still makes homemade cakes and pies for Sunday dinner out on the back deck and she hugs me and tells me that she loves me and always will. But as I drive past that house that still has a For Sale sign out front, as I reach for my phone to tell her I got an A on a test, as I visit my little sister who now is custody of people I don't even know, and as I remember those bruises on her cheekbones and how the skin on her neck looked foreign and stretched out, I revisit the pain as if she had just barely died, and I realize that I am stuck denying that my mother is dead. My roommate told me that when I remember her funeral or picture CPR on her to revert back to the world thats warm and comfortable, but I'm afraid I'm only making myself continue on denying that she's dead. Do I continue on living in my fantasy world, or do I hold myself and cry as i forcefully show myself these horrid nightmares in my mind?
Before anyone suggest that I find help, I'll say that I've been to a counciling center to find help and didn't find any at all. I've also searched for grief groups where I live and no one or thing could help me.
Thankyou so much for your suggestions. Writing this all out has helped more than ever as well.