wanting to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
wanting to vent
20
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 7:59pm

Yesterday and today I have been feeling very numb after the loss of my boyfriend a week ago. I don't feel sad, or happy or angry... I just feel empty. I feel completely alone, and I'm needing his advice on some things, which sadly I can not get. There's a void that I just don't know how to fill. Today I spent most of the day on the couch watching TV, because I just couldn't get myself to get up (feeling sorry for myself?). I guess I just wanted to vent about some stuff thats been on my mind and don't mind me if this gets long.

First and foremost I lost my boyfriend... not a fiance, not my husband, not a friend. I guess in terms of his parents I mine as well be a nobody. I havn't received a phone call to find out how I am, I havn't received an ounce of respect. I feel stuck because I understand that when a 20 year old kid dies it's his parents responsibility, definitly not a girlfriend. They deserve to bury their young son, and to deal with his possessions the way they see fit. BUT I was the closest person to him - I know the stuff that mattered to him and the stuff that didn't. A lot of his high school friends he was no longer in touch with. He didn't have a close relationship to either of his parents. I was the one who was there, I was the one who knew him backwords and forewords. And yet, I havn't gotton a say in anything. They havn't even asked. I called his parents pratically begging for 2 shirts (1 sweatshirt) that have a lot of meaning to me... and I was basically denied. That hurts more than I can explain with words. The only time I've seen his family is because I invited myself over.

I do, I really do understand that it has to be the most dificult thing a parent can do is bury their son. But I just wish that they had some more compassion for the fact that I lost the most important person in my life. Their son was the most important person to me. We had dreams, and plans... and it's not like they didn't know. They knew how serious we were, they knew how important I was to their son, because he told them. I was there, I heard it. It shocks me that they can cast me out into the wind as if I was just another lost friend.

What's even more shocking is this girl who USED to be close to my boyfriend has one of his sweatshirts. They havn't spoken in months, I know this for a fact. And she comes over and gets one of his sweatshirts (I saw her wearing it when I was at his parents house) when I'm sitting here begging for one and I get nothing. Try to slap me in the face harder, I don't think you could.

And another thing thats driving me insane, is because I knew this was gonna happen. I said after about a week everyones concern will disappear. My friends stopped calling, they arn't picking up their phones, calling back much later than I actually needed to talk. I know its the holiday weekend and people are busy... but I was also hoping for just a little extra support right now. They were so wonderful and there for me this past week... but its slowly dying out. I know I have to learn how to be ok on my own, and no one is gonna take the pain away, but talking to people helps so much. And no ones there now and that hurts.

I have this constant pain in my stomach. That anxiety pain... thats kinda in your stomach but kinda in your chest that feels like it's going to rip through your body at any second. I don't know where it came from or what I'm anxious about, and it came out of no where today, but I hate it.

And when it's your boyfriend that passes away NO ONE RESPECTS HOW IMPORTANT HE IS TO YOU. Everyone says, "well you'll be ok because in a couple years you'll meet someone new and he'll just be a memory like 'I had this boyfriend once.'" I've got that "advice" quite a few times. I HATE THAT! Are you kidding me? Even if that's true, that's the LAST thing I want to hear. I don't want to think he'll ever just be this "boyfriend I once had". He was the most important part of my life for a year and a half and my first love. The idea of ever thinking of him that way makes me sick to my stomach. I lost him to death, not because one of us fell out of love, not because one of us was no longer happy... we arn't together because he died. He's not an ex-boyfriend, and people are treating me like we broke up and after I get over that we can't be together, I'll be ok. But it's not like that. I was in love, and I still am. I am in love with someone who can't be on this Earth anymore. How do you get over something like that? How do you meet someone and perhaps love them (in a different way of course) but a large part of you not still be in love with the person that passed? I don't think it'll ever be possible for me. But god, it infuriates me when people say that "in a couple years he'll just be a memory like other ex boyfriends." No... I don't believe that at all.

Ok I'm going to stop, just because... but I'm hurting, and it feels like I'm dying inside. I'm missing him and his smile more than I ever thought I would.

I'm sorry for the really long post, I'm just... well, I didn't know what else to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: razski
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 9:12pm

"And when it's your boyfriend that passes away
NO ONE RESPECTS HOW IMPORTANT HE IS TO YOU.
Everyone says, "well you'll be ok because
in a couple years you'll meet someone new
and he'll just be a memory like... "
I've got that "advice"
quite a few times."

Razski, I am so, so sorry people are actually saying that to you. I was hoping they weren't. I know that's the last thing you want to hear or even think about. I had a boyfriend die when I was in hs, and I have an idea how you feel. Although, he and I weren't as close and you and your boyfriend, and I was younger.

I'm really glad you come here and vent, it's good for us to get it out of our system, and often there's no one to tell. I was luckier than you in that my boyfriend's parents talked to me (I didn't go to their house though), and even gave me some of his stuff they thought would mean something to me. I kept them after David and I were married for a long time.

You said your bf wasn't your fiance, but you had plans for the future didn't you? I don't mean marriage, just plans. And even if you didn't, there is no limit for you love of him, or your pain.

I've been meaning to tell you this, when I suggested you hold something of his when you were hurting especially hard, I didn't mean it had to be something he actually touched. Although I know it would be nice to have his shirt, especially since they gave one to a former girlfriend (that's just wrong). Like I said in an earlier post, sometimes I 'pet' the cats he bought me, sometimes I wear his jacket. But, I always, always, wear the heart. It's just a cheap piece of costume jewlery that I bought a good chain for. I wore it to his 'good-bye party' and it sort of became my talisman and makes me feel like he's close. It really has nothing to do with him, he didn't buy it, I don't think he ever saw it, or if he did he didn't comment on it, but somehow it makes me feel close to him. After christmas I think I'm going to buy a heart shaped locket and put our wedding picture in it.

sorry this is so long and rambling. I just wish I could hold you and make the pain go away. Or, I could hold you and we could cry together.

Nita

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: razski
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:25pm

Thank you SO much for your reply. It means the world to me to have someone beside myself see how hurtful peoples "advice" can be... and even more to me that someone else agrees that his parents giving or allowing another girl to take a sweatshirt is really harsh. I kinda feel like I'm one agaisnt his family, and agaisnt peoples perceptions of how I should be viewing the situation (like a breakup or just a memory) and to have people see my side makes me feel less alone.

Honestly, I wish deeply that his parents would have shown me the kind of respect your hs boyfriends parents did. When I was at their house his sister brought down a couple things that were in his closet that they think were gifts for me (birthday gifts that he didn't give to me because we were fighting a lot at the time and he told me he wanted to hang onto them and surprise me with at some point... well, surprise they were!). They also gave me a blown up picture of the picture they were using on the prayer card... which I greatly appreciated. However, that is where their kindness stopped. I'm hoping that as a few weeks go by and the shock wears off that his parents will be more willing to part with a few things that I would like to have.

My boyfriend and I had DEFINITE plans... he was going to start college in the Spring (he took time off after highschool) at the community college. I'm going to be graduating from undergrad in a year. I was going to get a job... and we were going to get a place in the next couple of years. We were going to get an orange cat and name her Nala (from the Lion King)... we both love animals and the Lion King was one of our favorite childhood movie). And that was just the start of it... but it was some of the stuff that we were both dreaming about.

I do have some things that remind me of him... and have helped me greatly when I'm in pain. Part of me just really wants a shirt of some kind. After reading your post I immediately loved your idea of buying a locket and keeping a picture of David and yourself in it. I have been thinking of a way to keep him close to my heart... and a locket with our or his picture in it would keep him with me all the time, literally right there at my heart. As soon as I'm done on this board I'm going to search the web for something that might be appropriate. Wow, I really love that idea! I'm glad you shared it with me.

I appreciate your reply, it gave me more comfort than I'm sure you can imagine.

God Bless

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Registered: 09-11-2004
In reply to: razski
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 7:27am

Oh, my new friend....go to the humane society....go get your Nala. Get Simba, too, to keep her company while you work. That way you will have something from your BF...and you will have saved a life.


Every year on the anniversary of Geri's death and on her birthday, my cousin (Geri's best friend) and I go to the humane societies with our car trunks filled with cleaning supplies, food, treats and blankets.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
In reply to: razski
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 8:50am
((((razski)))) It's terrible,the things people say to you when you're grieving. I believe they just don't know what to say and end up saying something hurtful. When my husband passed away we were both 48 and had been together since we were 14. When I went to my doctor, he said "oh, you're young, you'll find someone else" Moron, we were marrried for almost 32 yrs, he was the only love in my life and NO I won't find someone else. I just wanted to tell you that,so you know that, even if you had been with your boyfriend for a very long time,people would still have said STUPID unfeeling things to you. I will pray for you, sweetheart, so God will help heal your heart. It's not easy, grieving is hard work,so just be gentle with yourself. God Bless

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: razski
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 12:03pm
Thank you all for your prayers, support and suggestions... I appreciate it. Here's crossing my fingers that today is better than yesterday.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: razski
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 12:18am

I am so sorry... I know what you mean about people not respecting you. When I was a senior in HS one of my good (adult) friends died. And the only thing someone said to me was... "You're young, you'll get over it." I still cry over this. I really do. Especially when I think that he was the first person (besides my teachers) to actually treat me like a human being instead of a china doll. (I have a disability). We only knew each other just under 4 years, but it was too short...and when people say stuff like that, it makes you feel even more like you want to shut yourself off from the human race in general...that no one will understand.... But in spite of people being rude, I have to remember...they didn't know him. They didn't know what he meant to me. It doesn't mean they are justified for saying it, but maybe they didn't have a similar relationship with someone and don't know how it feels.

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: razski
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 3:38pm

I just wanted to share with you that I actually did go out and buy a locket. I looked around on the internet and found two that I thought were really special and I felt in some way represented what he now means to me. My mother and I went to the mall and searched every store and I found it! It's perfect - and I got a great deal too (he'd be proud!). Now all I have to do is shrink the picture down somehow... and eventually I'm going to get the back engraved with his name and maybe his birth/death days.... but I'm not sure yet.

I just wanted to say thanks for the suggestion because I have a feeling this necklace is going to mean a lot to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: razski
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 5:47pm
Aww, that's great. After an aunt of mine died that I was very close to, I did a similar thing only mine is a charm bracelet instead of a necklace. It has stuff that she liked or that she was on it. (IE a ladybug because she loved to garden and a shopping bag because she was a mall queen! LOL!)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: razski
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:38pm

When my Dear Mother died last year I bought a gold pendant of the 10 commandments on one side and a Menorah on the other side.

50 years
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Annette    &nbsp

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: razski
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 5:55pm
Thank you, Hon, for letting us know.
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