my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
my story
13
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:48pm
my name is Jane and 19 years ago this January 19th I was driving my twin sons age 6 to kindergarden when we were broadsiided by a bus. My son Jeffrey took the hit he was sitting behind me. Fortunately my other son Greg was unhurt. I'm a medical prfessional so I did cpr on Jeff till help came but he had suffered a severe head trauma. We took him off life support the next morning. the 1st year after the accident was a blurr but slowly life started to reture to normal or some resemblance of it. I'm writing because my son's birthday just passed and I always get a little down then. My other son lives over 1000 miles from us now and is doing well. I used to have to be so up beat when Greg was young but now he's 25 and dosn't wan't to spend as much time with us. I can grieve as much as I want. The other bad time for me is the anniversary of Jeffrey's death. When that time rolles around it's as if it happened yesterday. I've been through tons of counselling but after all these years I don't feel there is any harm in feeling depressed for a few days each year. I still need to talk about it some times.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: janeyogi
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 4:33pm

(((((((Sweetie))))))

You came to a special place that help special people. We are all grieving in our own way and there is nothing wrong with that. I still miss my grandma and grandpa and it has been 30 some years. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are doing what is normal. To lose a child or a loved one never leaves us, we just cope with the loss better as time goes on. Know that the people that you will hear from understand and care. You can come here and vent whenever you want. You never have to apologize for anything.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and lots of hugs are being sent your way.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: janeyogi
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:09pm

(((HUGS)))

Although it was years ago, I can understand why the pain of losing a child would still be with you. He was your son and the pain of losing a child must be unbearable. He is with you all day, everyday, and don't feel weird about mourning his birth or death day. It's understandable. I hope you use this board to talk about your son, and the support that you will receive from this wonderful group of women offers you some kind of solice as his birthday and death day anniversarys come and pass. Post as often as you like, I'd love to hear more about him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: janeyogi
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:53pm

Hello, Jane.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
In reply to: janeyogi
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 1:22pm
Thanks for your reply. Jeffrey was a very outgoing and loving child the leader, Greg is and always was very self reliant and though he loved to play he was rebeleous. Jeffrey would crawl in bed with me in the morning and cuddle, greg could hardly stand to be held. I used to call Jeff my sunshine that song fit his personality. I don't mean to make it sound as if I favored either child I loved them both equally but Greg never let me into his world. He's very much like my father who would bristle when you tried to hug him. After Jeffrey died I tried very hard to draw Greg out, he went to counseling for awhile but the only time I ever saw him cry was when we told him Jeff had died. He never wanted to talk about Jeff or the accident and I still think that some day he will have to come to terms with it. They were so close the two of them made a whole, with jeff gone greg had difficulty coping and became even more rebelious. This became serious when he was a teenager and when he turned 18 he started to recieve payments from a trust fund set up from the insurance companys of the bus driver who hit us. I had to let him go and thank god I have strong faith. we ended up at 19 living with heroin addicts who were stealing from him. I got control of his money after that but he never really listened to us. finally when he turned 21 he realized he had no education and the money was going fast.We moved to Oregon and he decided to live in Portland and go to community college. He's doing very well now has a 4.0 gpa. We moved from oregon to arizona and I miss him but I know he realizes that he has to make his own way in the world. This was a long responce I hope you don't mind We're new to the area and I havn't made friends here yet. any sugestions would be appreciated
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: janeyogi
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 3:30pm

(((((Jane))))), what a terrible loss.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
In reply to: janeyogi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 6:07am

Welcome!


I am pleased you found our board!


Thank you for sharing your boys with us.


What do you do to honor Jeff's life? I know that I will be going to the animal shelters with food and cleaning supplies to donate in my sister's name this weekend.


I will pray that Greg continues to move forward and that he comes to terms with being the surviving twin.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
In reply to: janeyogi
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 11:05pm
Janeyogi, I can say I understand quite a bit. We also lost one of our twins (Derek) in 1996. He was ten years old. The difference is that he died at home-from an asthma attack. My husband, like you, tried to revive him using CPR, but it was unsuccessful. I completely understand trying to hide your grief from Greg, as well, as I did with Derek's twin, James. James and Derek had been diagnosed as being mild (James) and moderately (Derek) mentally retarded. (However, James diagnosis changed over the years to borderline with a speech problem). So, James and I became enmeshed until he reached about 18, and then he really began to mature. Jane, I can totally sympathize with you about the anniversary of Jeff's death. With me, their birthday and Christmas run neck and neck for my second hardest grief period. Your boys sound like they were as different as daylight and dark? Isn't it strange how siblings do that, especially twins? With ours, they would go for a while with one telling the other what to do, then next thing you'd know, it would be vice versa. Please allow yourself those days to grieve. I really hope that Greg will someday be able to sit with you (or someone) and express his feelings too. James had to deal with facing death frequently before and after Derek died, because he also had severe asthma (thank God he's finally off many years of steroids). Hope I didn't ramble too much, just wanted to let you know I care. And I don't know if you're a Christian, but I believe we'll see Jeff and Derek again someday. God bless you and Merry Christmas.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
In reply to: janeyogi
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 1:19am
Hugs hun, I also lost my son but in my case it was 2 yrs ago. I hope I can get to the same place where you are.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: janeyogi
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:44am

I imagine as time goes on certain times, places, events will always bring the emotions of the loss of our loved ones back to us. But as you so wisely said, there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to just go ahead and feel the feelings you're feeling. In fact, that is the very healthy thing to do.

It must be so difficult to lose a child. I can not even begin to imagine. And it had an expectedly overwhelming effect on your other son. But it seems he has worked through it. You're a very strong family to have gotten through all that you have.

Jeff's birthday, the day of his death & the holidays are all so close and these are all very difficult times, I think, for those who are missing loved ones so greatly.

Like someone else said, although I did not lose a child, I hope I can be where you are some day.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: janeyogi
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 1:10pm
I want to welcome you to our board, Iamso70s.
AcornLeaves

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