Just lost My Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Just lost My Mom
19
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:46pm

Came across this board after I visited the Crohn's board and just had to post....

First of all, I have had to deal with death to many times to count. My father died of a heartattack when he was 50; I also lost two brothers to aplasticanemia (sp) (one in his 30's and the other in his 40's. My mom was diagnosed with emphyzema 6 years ago. One night while I was at a Christmas party, my sister called to tell me mom had trouble breathing and was rushed to the hospital. I left immediately and they had her on a ventilator but she was pretty well drugged since she kept pulling the breathing tube out. Anyway, they tried to ween her off the machine without luck so my sisters and I decided to have them trach her knowing this was the only solution. We couldn't just bring her home otherwise Medicare would drop her so we had to put her into a nursing home which was a HUGE task since most nursing homes are only allowed so many trach patients per nurses due to the increased amount of care. After 3 months we moved her into a nursing home then in 2003 were able to bring her home with nursing care during the day and myself and two sisters to care for her at night and on weekends (we were trained of course). She was so happy -she never thought she would be home again and was so glad to be out of the nursing home! It was like old times...she was able to wash and dress herself but was limited with walking.

Then on the day after Thanksgiving this year, she got up to use the bathroom and just collapsed. Her nurse performed CPR but paramedics had to shock her in order for her heart to start again...I will never get that image out of my mind. She was taken to the hospital where she remained unconscious for 4 days with no improvement. My family and I decided to stop her meds then her fluids and finally her ventilator. I was so torn at how quickly my family pushed to stop the vent; it was the day AFTER we had stopped the fluids - I wasn't ready. I spent the whole week at the hospital hoping she would come back as she did the first time.... She was only 73.

The odd thing is that when she went to the ER they said she had a massive infection in her abdomen which they couldn't diagnose without surgery; they couldn't do surgery because her blood was SO THIN she would have bled to death. She just had blood work done about a month before this episode which was NORMAL and hadn't complained of any pain. How could a MASSIVE (dr's words) infection develop in less than a month?? She also just went to the hospital for a pacemaker checkup which went fine. If she had been in and out of the hospital, I could understand but not when her pulmonary doctor would see her each month at home and her blood work was normal; it just doesn't make sense to me. I feel guilty that I didn't notice anything. I feel angry that her doctor didn't notice (especially since her legs have been swollen for MONTHS and all he did was increase her water pills). I am mad at myself that I didn't tell her I loved her as often as I should have, even though I know she knew.... I feel guilty that sometimes I would tell her how I do all the cleaning, etc around the house while my other sisters went out. I talk to her each night and hope that I will get a sign that she is happy.

Sorry to have rambled, but I just couldn't stop typing.....

Thanks for listening....

Vicki

Vicki

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:07pm

((((Vicki))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your multiple losses and specifically about your mother. I can't imagine how hard it is to see so many of the people that mean so much to you pass on.

Welcome to our board. You will be hearing from a group of really special women who will offer you a shoulder to cry on and advice. Feel free to post as often or as little as you like. It can be very theraputic to get out your feelings on "paper" and still have support.

I suffered a loss very recently as well, and this board has been very supportive and helpful to organize my feelings about it. I genuinly hope that you find comfort and support here as well.

I know a lot of people will agree with me that a lot of the feelings you wrote here are normal. Guilt and anger are normal emotions to feel after such an emotional loss. Your ability to express them and accept them is a step in the direction of healing.

Again, I hope to see more posts from you and if you ever need someone to talk to know a reply is never far away on this board.

Try to smile because your mom is no longer in pain, and she is at peace with her husband and her beloved sons. She knows how much you love her, and I believe she is looking down on you and very proud of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:05pm

(((((Vicki))))), my heart goes out to you at this time of loss.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 5:09pm

Thanks for the replies - these boards really do help us get by. I was diagnosed with Crohn's 2 yrs ago and ever since I found the Crohn's board, I post all kinds of questions, etc.

I guess too with my mom passing, I realized just how small my family has gotten. I never knew my mom's parents; only when my mom took care of her mom near the end. In fact, my sisters and I started going thru old pictures and wouldn't you know that my grandmother used to sit in a chair in the living room in the EXACT same spot as my mom did?

So my mom's parents passed when I was young, my father when I was 9, my brothers passed away one when I was in my late teens and the other in my 20's, then my grandparents both fell ill suddenly last year and passed. So now it's just me, my 3 sisters and brother and of course nephews, etc. I do have an aunt and uncle in Alaska (my father's brother) but we don't really talk with them. They were coming out here to see my grandparents without telling us and we had no idea they were so sick since they didn't say when we spoke and to top that off, my sisters and I headed upstate for my grandmother's wake and my aunt and uncle were supposed to let us know when the burial was and never did; the wake was last October. We never attended any service for my grandfather.

So I guess assessing what little family I have left now is just depressing me.

But I do feel loved here and appreciate all of your thoughts!

Thanks
Vicki

Vicki

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:04pm
Would you believe I just called social security and they said that since my mom passed on November 30 BEFORE midnight that they take back her November benefits? That is so wrong.....where on earth does it say that? Not on their website that's for sure!

Vicki

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:45pm
((((Vicki)))) I am so sorry about your Mom. It wasn't that long ago that we were on the Crohn's board, talking about our Moms. Please accept my sympathies for the loss of your Dad and brothers also. How I wish I could take your pain away.Don't feel guilty, you were a wonderful daughter taking such good care of your Mom. You did all you could and I'm sure you Mom is very proud of you and grateful for all you did. Just remember that I am thinking of you and praying that God will gently hold you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:37pm

(((((Vicki)))))

I am so very sorry for your loss and all your losses. I know how you feel sweetie, i stopped and thought about who was left in my family and there are very few, some that I haven't seen or spoken to in 30 some years....Yeah, I am that old lol. Hope that put a smile on your sweet face.

One thing about this board is you never, never have to apologize for anything, nothing, nada, nil!!!! ok! Thats settled. I lost my mom 2 years ago Dec 4. 2004. At times it is still hard, but more good times then sad times.

Start a journal, post here do what it takes to help yourself and even if you cry alot, thats ok. I have said many times tears make room for smiles. We all grieve in our own way sweetie and your loss is still pretty new. We will all be here for you. I haven't read all the posts, but we do have a chat on Wednesday nights at 8:00 est. Please if your up to it please join it. Good gravy, i hope i have the time right. Please keep in touch and let us know how your doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 6:22pm

(((misvicki2004)))

I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad that you have posted here and please do not ever apologize for venting or rambling on as you said. That is what we are all here for. We all have gone through some kind of loss and we all do understand.

I too have lost my mom it will be 2 years in Jan. She was 97 years old, and my siblings and I had to make the decission on a DNR, which we decieded to sign the DNR. With alot of thought and looking at her with her oxgyen mask on, we knew that by not signing this DNR we were just prolonging her death and not her life. It was also the hardest thing that we ever had to do.

I am sure that your mom is resting in peace and remember that she will always be with you,perhaps not in person, but in spirit and she will always be with you , in your thoughts and in your heart. Your mom, knew how much you loved her.You know sweetie, actions means more than words, and I know you did alot for her and she appreciated it and she was proud that you were her daughter. Remember her for the wonderful mom she was and all the things she did while you were growing up.You may even rmember funny incidents that will bring a smile to your face or even laughter, and thats ok as it is a good outlet.

So you take care, and please let me know how you are doing. My thoughts are with you.

((((HUGS)))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:03am

Hello Vicki, Iam so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother the beginning of last Decembmer -- we also had to make the decision to take her off the ventilator when she couldn't be weaned off of it the 2nd time around. And when she went in the hospital with trouble breathing we found out she had such terrible infection in her lungs that they had to go in & do surgery to suck out all the fluids or they felt she would die within hours. I wondered, how could she have gotten such an infection & we not know it?? I can't imagine. But it happened.

I lost my husband a couple weeks ago. I answered the post about wondering if we were cursed the other night. The first time I'd been to this board because I've seen so many losses & illness the past few years. Especially the past 2. It seems there are a number of us who are in this position. It is just overwhelming.

And I feel losing your mother is something else all together. I still, will be doing something & think "I need to call Mom about this..." then reality hits. When my husband was very ill I felt I needed so badly to talk to her...when he was dying, boy did I need her.

My husband fell & hit his head, he had a brain bleed. He died because his blood was so thin they ccouldn't stop the bleeding. He was in a store alone. He was buying clothes for his uncle that we had just gotten out of a nursing home 2 days earlier after 7 months in there after breaking his hip. Even though I know it's not my fault rationally, I feel I should have been at the store with him, I should have told him not to go to the store, I should have... I just keep going over it. And I feel guilty now that his uncle is back in the nursing home because the person with powerof attorney now put him right back in there as soon as Jim died. It will drive us crazy if we keep doing it. I'm trying very hard every time I catch myself doing it to remind myself that there was NO way to know. And that he really did know how much I loved him. I am having trouble with his uncle's situation though - I feel SO bad for him.

Please take good care of yourself.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 6:10pm

Thanks to everyone for the posts - it keeps me going!

Karen - I am so sorry about your mom and now your husband? How terrible from a fall? My mom's blood was very thin too...I guess since with my Crohns I go for blood work frequently I just find it hard to imagine that something as obvious as thinning of blood isn't detected.... But like you said, we can second guess EVERYTHING and it won't solve anything.

My mom was only 73 when she passed, but she was diagnosed with emphyzema back in 2001. I recall how happy she was when we finally got her home.... she smiled bigger than I had ever seen! January would have been 4 yrs she spent at home on a ventilator which according to alot of doctors is a long time. I do cherish the moments that only her and I had....she loved pink so I found these two little pink trees (kinda bubble gum pink) with white lights so I put those up in the living room and found pink star ornaments that I tied onto the top of each one.

I think my mind is preoccupied with christmas coming, but after.... I keep her picture at my desk and smile when I look at it....

Vicki

Vicki

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 6:45pm

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What a wonderful idea to keep your mothers memory alive during the holidays!!! I love that idea.

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