Am I Cursed??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Am I Cursed??
15
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 2:13am
Ok here is my reasoning for the title. Two years ago my great uncle passed away from a long battle with cancer. The family took it really hard, of course, but we were allglad to see the pain stopping for him. The about 9 months later my biological father, to whom I had just started to have a relationship with, went to have surgery to have a tumor removed from his lung. He had lung cancer and had been going through radical radiation treatments. Well he made it through surgery fine, or so they say. But while they were sewing his chest up he started bleed out and the doctors could not stop the bleeeding, he passed away 3 days after my 2nd wedding anniversery. 2 weeks later my uncle died from a brain tumor he had been battling for three years. He was diagnosed with the tumor then given 6 months to live, but then we found a doctor who would do a surgery to removed the tumor. Then we went through two more surgeries always being told he had little time to live. But he made it through for two years. The last time I saw him was the first time I took my daughter to see my grandparents about two weeks before he passed away.
Then out of the blue my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and we was once again told there was not anything we could do to save her. The cancer was to wide spread by the time she was diagnosed. That was 6 months after my uncle passed away. Then we finally had a break in all the deaths and went 1 year without a death or a funeral.
In October my 21 year old cousin decided life was not worth living and shot himself. The pain of losing him was unbearable for the whole family. I still can't beleive he was that depressed, but we all missed the warning signs. Then one month later my great uncle passed away from lung cancer. Well it was actually a heart attack but he had just finished chemo for lung cancer. Then 1 week ago my grandfather who was my knight in shing armor when I was growing up passed away. We buried him 4 days ago. Now everyone who passed away except for one was all on the same side of the family. Now I am terrified that someone else is going to die. I am to the point to where I don't want to leave my kids for fear that something will happen to them. Silly right??? CDuring all the deaths I had 2 miscarriages. Am I cursed??????????????????????????????????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:19am

Welcome to the Bereavement Board.<<


I am so sorry for your multiple losses! Oh, my heavens! You are certainly not cursed, but you have every reason to wonder!


I am Beth, one of the cls here. I have also had multiple losses. Three Mays in a row either my DH or I lost a grandparent. Spaced in between those were three of my uncles. It is so hard.


As I was reading your post, though, I did get the idea that if so many of my relatives had cancers, I would DEFINTELY get myself to my general practitioner and let the DR know. That isn't to scare you. After our sister died of Lupus, my surviving sister and I got tested for it, as did both her DDs and my cousins did also. One actually was early diagnosed with another autoimmune disease. My DD will have blood work done this year (too young before).


The wonderful posters here will be answering your post soon, so check back often!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 5:18pm

((( mom_okiegirl))) I'm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 6:04pm

((((mom_okiegirl))))

I am so very sorry for all of your losses. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a very difficult time for you and I am glad that you have decided to post here on the Bereavment and Healing board. You will find alot of the women here who I am sure will respond to your post, to be supportive, caring,& understanding.

You are definitely not cursed by any means.I don't believe that any one is. Iwould like tot ake this time if I may, and give you a suggestion, and this is not to frighten you in any way. It seems to me that your family members has had lung cancer and some with tumours. I would advise you to make an appointment with your family doctor, and no. 1 talk to him about all the illness in your family and have yourself a good examination, and do this on a regular basis. Again , I am not telling you this to scare you, but this does run in your family and you are the only one to make the choice of taking precautions and staying healthy.

Your fear of leaving your kids is a very normal feeling, especailly with all the deaths in your family. Therefore, sweetie, you must go and take care of yourself. See your doacotr and talk to him and make sure he gives you all kinds of tests to make sure you are in good health so you can remain healthy, happy and being able to bring up your children and watch them grow.

So, you take care of yourself, and please keep intouch so that I and everyone here on the board can know how you are doing.

Lots of ((((((HUGS))))) Miriam

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Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 11:12pm

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I read your title to your post & had to read it because it is a question I've been asking of myself...Our family had always been so health & happy then a few years ago things just started kind of falling apart. My husband was diagnosed with cancer & went through surgeries & treatments then died after 2 1/2 yrs, just prior to his diagosis I was diagnosed with MS, several of my siblings were diagnosed with autoimmune disorders (4 out of 5 of them) over the same time period.

My father was diagnosed with Alzheimers and is now in a nursing home. After my husband died I grieved horribly but ended up slowly feeling there was hope, nothing bad was happening for a while. I even started seeing my exhusband again last last July and we were so happy.

Then my ex's brother died of cancer very shortly thereafter -- I lost a mother in law in August also, my mother died in December and we lost a grandchild to miscarriage in May. Then my ex was diagnosed with the same type cancer as his brother in June. He nearly died during the treatment but fought his way back from being totally bedridden. He gained 30 lbs, was making plans for the future, we even remarried in October. Then 2 weeks ago he went to the store, fell & died 18 hours later from a brain bleed. We were married 7 weeks.

It's just so unbelieveable. You DO start to feel that it will never stop. Without even knowing all the other stuff that had happened around me, when my husband went in for a procedure a few months ago -- the anesthesiologis said to me (after learning he was my ex & that my last husband had died of cancer not all that long ago) "how awful -- remind me never to date you". I mean, I already was having horrible, of course irrational, thoughts of how I might be somehow to blame. Then that idiot says that.

I can understand how you worry about your children. It gets so you worry about everything, whether it's rational or not, after going through so many tragedies. When a loved one is very ill & dies it is very rough -- when it is unexpected it just throws you for a loop. I can not begin to understand how you & your family coped with the loss of your young cousin. My daughter-in-law talked to me about being so irrationally worried about being away from the kids with all that was going on, especially after the miscarriage. I think when we feel we have no control in our lives & what's going on around us we feel we have to just try to hold everything we love close to try to control everything we can...to keep them safe.

I know I'm rattling on here. I hope I've made some sense. I just feel so for you. Please take care of yourself. I think we just have to think about all we've gone through and we HAVE actually gone through it & survived...we may be heartbroken right now, full of anxiety...but we're here & we're doing it. I guess we are stronger than we think. And even though we are feeling the survivor's guilt, we have to remember none of these things happened due to anything we do. We don't have that power. Our families are just suffering an extraordinary number of losses, more than any one should in such short periods. I just keep trying to remember to stop myself when I start the "WHY??", because it's making me crazy -- there is no answer, never will be.

All we can do is take care of ourselves and those that are still with us. And keep those that are now gone in our hearts.

Take care, Karen

Avatar for annunziata2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 11:43pm

"It's just so unbelieveable. You DO start to feel that it will never stop. Without even knowing all the other stuff that had happened around me, when my husband went in for a procedure a few months ago -- the anesthesiologis said to me (after learning he was my ex & that my last husband had died of cancer not all that long ago) "how awful -- remind me never to date you". I mean, I already was having horrible, of course irrational, thoughts of how I might be somehow to blame. Then that idiot says that."

OMG Karen what a jerk! He needs to practice his bedside manner...err I mean his manner with patients' families.

klmuc & mom-okiegirl, I do know how you feel. I have never had a boyfriend or husband, but I do have a few select friends who I consider my soulmates. 2 of them (my favorite aunt and a close adult friend whom I have known since eighth grade) died within 18 months of each other (one in March 04 the other in Sept 05). Of the other 3, 2 live in England and one lives in Florida. (I live in OH) Then in May 06 one of my uncles died and in June 06 one of my aunts. In addition, I have cerebral palsy and my parents aren't the greatest when it comes to supporting me through grief. At times I still ask God WHY he had to take my 2 closest soulmates away from me, and so close together. I thought, to have 2 people so close to me die so suddenly, that I too must be cursed. Sometimes I STILL need to talk to them and it is SO hard on those days when my memories of them don't seem to be enough. I'm sure you know what I mean-those days when you feel you HAVE to talk to them in person because over time your memory has faded and you're still pretty sure of what they would say to help you, but not 100% sure. Days like that drive me crazy emotionally.

It is very very difficult. And I honestly wish I knew what to say to help. But know that I send you both cyberhugs and prayers that we will all make it through this. The women on this board are fantastic and I'm sure they will welcome you both with open arms.

Annie

Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:01pm

Annie, You are so right, some days memories are just NOT enough & I feel like I just HAVE to talk to them in person. And, like you said, you think you know what they'd say -- but sometimes you just feel like you just really need to hear THEM say it. And it does drive you crazy because it will never be.

Now I'm walking around talking to the husband I just lost expecting him to answer from the other room all the time these past couple weeks...I'm feeling crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I'm just feeling like I need to just talk to him again, just a little more, you know? See him, touch his face one more time.

I'm having a really difficult day today. Most of my days have been up & down, today has been down, down, down. I think the shock of his unexpected death is just wearing off and I'm feel very, very alone & sad.

Thank you for writing...it always helps to have someone who understands to "talk" to.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:16pm
I think the biggest problem of my grandfathers death is that I was adopted by my "father" and my grandfather seemed to be the only one out of that family that I really connected with. He knew when something was bothering me and he lived 2 1/2 hours away. It was like a feeling he had. The last time I said goodbye to him in person was at my cousins funeral. I takled to him atleast once a week and always reminded him if he needed me to just call me. He told me he was going to be home for christmas. I took it that he was going to be at his house and for me to go down there. But I should have known he was meaning he was going home to be with my grandmother. I still talk to him as though he is here and I tell my kids he is in heaven looking down on them and smiling. My kids are 2 and 6.
Avatar for annunziata2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:24pm

"You are so right, some days memories are just NOT enough & I feel like I just HAVE to talk to them in person. And, like you said, you think you know what they'd say -- but sometimes you just feel like you just really need to hear THEM say it. And it does drive you crazy because it will never be."

Exactly! I'm glad someone else understands what I mean. I've been having a LOT of those days lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 12:36am

Welcome, Karen.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 6:25pm

OMG! I am so terribly sorry for all of your losses! I have lost alot of people, but not as quickly or as common as your family.

Can they check for lung cancer? Is there anything these relatives had in common who had this cancer? I saw someone else post about getting checked out and I would do the same.

Over the years as I have had personal losses, I get very angry. When I hear about someone who always saw his/her doctor for all the necessary checkups, etc but then gets this horrible disease out of nowhere and it is so far gone that nothing can be done, it irks me. Take me for example, I have been healthy all my life, no problems not even so much as a headache and saw my doctors when needed then out of the blue and fast I have abdominal pain which gets diagnosed as Crohn's and now I will be on meds and have numerous surgeries to look forward to. Nobody else in my family has ever been diagnosed with this. Or a woman I worked with (I would say she was in her mid 40's) had a friend the same age who was diagnosed with colon cancer. They said it was caught early enough that they could do surgery to remove it, she didn't even need chemo. 2 yrs later she started having pains and it turned out they did not get all of the cancer and it had spread to all of her organs that nothing could be done; she died months later. Or the fact that heart disease runs in my family and my sister who is 49 is turned down by her insurance company to have a stress test since she is not in her 50's; my father died at the age of 50 from his second heart attack.

I just get so mad that in this day and age, with all of the test and specialists that these COMMON health threats are still not caught in time. Why? It just doesn't make sense to me.....

Sorry I kinda got off the topic - mom_okiegirl, you will be in my prayers and I hope you don't face any other trauma like you have seen. Nobody deserves that.

We are here for you!

Vicki

Vicki

 

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