How am I suppose to feel?
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| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:26pm |
First off, I am sorry for my Cl hat, I just had to talk to someone, and well, I didnt know where else to turn. I just had to get this out.
You see this year has been a rough year for me and all those around me.
Feb. Friend number 1 dies of a sudden heart attack (age 27) due to a hole in his heart no one knew about, Niece (14 months) is diagnosed with SMA type 2 (Muscular dystrophy), My grandfather is given 6 months to a year to live. (first set of 3)
The spring and summer were littered with things falling apart, my grandfather getting worse, my other friend losing his battle with cancer, and a move for me and my family, and trying to figure out if ds is delayed developmentally. Oh and a possible Cancer in my Step MIL, which it turned out okay, but...
Oct/nov: A very close friend of mine died of Hodgkins, Dh's Stepmoms BIL dies on the same day as my friend, and Ds is delayed as far as the school district is concerned and I have to fight to keep hime where I think he will do better instead of a class full of severely delayed students. (Second set of 3)
2 weeks ago my grandfather died of Altheziemers, and on that same day DH's great uncle died as well. I am waiting for another shoe to fall. Not to mention the fact that I was sitting here, and I just realized my grandfather died 2 weeks ago that very moment.
Now, I have never in my life had to deal with death, but suddenly, its all over the place. I dont know what to do, or even how to grieve. I mean, When my first friend died, I went out with my friends, we celebrated him and I was okay. Then, when my closer friend died, I was hurting alot more, but I celebrated him the way he would of wanted, but I missed him a few more weeks, the one day, I talked to him on my way home from work, and I was okay with it.
But my Grandpa, well I dont know. I mean I hadnt seen him in 3 years becuase my grandmother asked that we not becuase she didnt want us to remember him that way. I went to the "quazi" service for him, but it didnt help. I tried to celebrate his life the way I did with my friends, but that hasnt helped either. My mom said I need to get okay with this, for my sons sake, but I dont know how. Maybe I am afraid something else will happen, something else will break. I mean we have had 6 deaths this year.
If this last part of that 3 is going to come, it might as well do it soon and then I can write 2006 off as the crummiest year of my life.
How do I move on? How do I say that everythings okay when I am not sure it is?











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(((((Kerry))))), I am so glad we could be here for you.
Thank you Barb for listening. I just tried calling one of my
(((((KERRY))))))))
((((((((KERRY))))))))))
(((((((((KERRY)))))))))
I wish I could give you more hugs! I am so sorry that this year stunk! Wow, talk about being glad a year is over!!! I don't know anyone (who wasn't doing REALLY good drugs...oops...past life experience LOL) who could feel anything but on a roller coaster after the year you had.
Please, feel free to keep posting. Read some of our other posters. You are always welcome here. Give yourself time to get your "land legs" you have been suffering from emotional vertigo.
(and don't worry about the hat!)
(((Kerry)))
I'm so sorry to hear about your multiple losses. I can't imagine how dificult it is to lose so many people in such a short period of time. And I'm so sorry to hear about how lost you are currently feeling.
It was so nice to read about your grandfather and your friend. They both sounded like beautiful people, and it is obvious that they meant a great deal to you and you a great deal to them. Thank you for sharing that with us.
As for your son, although your son may not have known your grandfather, he is definitly able to pick up on the change in mood with you and your husband. He is grieving right along with you. The best thing you can do is openly talk to your son. I'm probably to young to be giving parental advice but I'm sure there are women on this board who will be able to offer better advice along those lines.
I hope that you use this board to help you sort through your feelings. The women here are all very helpful and supportive. If anything writing your feelings out may help you sort through how lost you are feeling.
As many people on this board will atest to sometimes grief counsiling helps! Especially in your case with so much loss, and because you are reaching out for support which seems to be "to busy", having someone to talk to might be beneficial. I know it's not for everyone, but it's something to think about.
There is no one way your supposed to feel. Everyone grieves loss differently. It is very possible that after all of this loss you are feeling very numb, and that is why you are not sure how to feel. With time (unfortunitly) the numbness will fade... and the emotions will more easily come to the surface.
Post as often as you like, about whatever is on your mind. A reply is never far away.
(((hugs)))
Thank you beth, I have been reading other posts as well. I dont have much that I know what to say right now to others. (and sorry about the hat, its glued on I swear).
This year has been one very long year, and there is a chance another friend of mine is dead. I called another friend to ask why no one told me he died a while back and this friend (who knew him since high school) went EXCUSE ME He is currently going to investigate this, since he hadnt heard about it, and he knew the guys mom would of called him. *keeping fingers crossed my info is wrong*... Another low point.... grrr.
Right, I am doing slightly better, I came home since I couldnt take work anymore.
Thank you for the support, razski. This year has been so hard, I just want it over. I am afraid to answer the phone anymore in fear of something else is wrong.
Maybe you are right, maybe I am just numb and thats why I feel so lost. I dont know, At times its like nothing can bother me, and at others, I feel like my chest is going to collapse because the whole in my heart is so large.
My Grandfather was a wonderful man and my close friend that died, he is the one that pulled me into my group of friends. He befriended this nerdy girl and watched her blossom into a more confident woman. I mean he is the reason I have the friends I do. He took me under his wing, and for that I am forever grateful.
Your so welcome!
Personally, I lost my boyfriend a month and a half ago. For about a month I was numb. I was just like what you described. As long as I was busy I was ok. When I was alone I couldn't hold it together. As my numbness is wearing off emotions I didn't even know I had about the situation are creeping up on me. I can more easily talk about how I'm feeling, and more importantly I KNOW how I feel. Of course it changes often, and I go through a variety of feelings about it every day. Sometimes I still feel a little numb, but it's much less than it used to be. Sometimes I am so CONFUSED about how I feel because I tend to contradict my feelings vs. reality... but I am able to see and understand both sides of my own internal battle.
I think a large part of your healing will come from the things that your grandfather and your friend taught you. Although they might not be here in physical form, you have the memories and the lessons they taught you about yourself with you every day. When you feel like you can't go on without them, you will have those lessons pushing you back up. When someone has taught you so much about yourself, they will forever be with you because they have become a part of who you are.
I have been seeing a grief counsilor for a few weeks. He has been SO helpful. It is so quick fix... but the best part of talking to him is that I get an hour of interupted time to talk about my boyfriend and my feelings. I know he will be there at my appointment (unlike friends who arn't always available). I know he won't compair me to another person or situation. I know he won't tell me how strong I am (I HATE HEARING HOW I'M BEING BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!). He's helped me think about our relationship and his death in a different way. He offers a lot in our sessions that my friends and family have not. Counsiling can offer a safe place to work through those feelings with someone who is trained to help sort them out with you. Of course grief counsiling isn't for everyone but it has been very helpful for me, and I know for a lot of others. You can find grief counsilors through local hospices. I found mine through employee assistance at work.
Sorry for the long rant. I wish that you find comfort in this dificult holiday season... I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Post often. :)
I am so sorry to hear about your Boyfriend. It must of been hard to lose him like that.
Well, the other shoe dropped today. I cant remember if I said anything, btu I found out Sunday that a friend of mine might had died. He died back in January 2006, adn we are just now finding out becuase the communication chain broke down... He had battled the same disease that claimed my other friend this year ever since I knew him.
and now he is gone too. 6 deaths this year, 7 if you count dh uncle dying last Nov...
I quit. at least I should be done with 3s for a while. (I hope).
As far as how this makes me feel, I dont know. NUmb is the understatement. I'm just here.
The sad thing is, I know all of them would want me to move on and keep fighting. And I am going to use that energy to push through, to keep going, but dang, I am getting tired. I actually had the hardest time finding the energy to get on here tonight. I just wanted my bed. Thats all I have wanted since I heard the news this morning. But I had to be mommy, I had to keep going. I have a life to deal with.
Kerry....the heck with the hat....we care about you, not a little yellow cap....don't worry about it.
Emotional vertigo...that was a nifty turn of phrase!
I hope that you can get some down time, even if it isn't much. You deserve it.
Thanks Beth for understanding and for caring.
After yesterdays news about another friend of mine that died almost a year ago. Sunday, I was told very casually that another friend of mine, the unkillable kenny, had died a while back.
Weds, I asked Kennys best friend (jon) why no one told me he was dead. His friend went "What?" and said excuse me I need to make a phone call. (talk about feeling I had stepped in it. I thought he knew, and instead I tell him his best friend had died by asking why no one told me).
Thursday morning, I got a call from Jon saying that Kenny was dead. That he had died back in Jan (Almost a year ago) of the same disease that killed our other friend. Kennys mom had tried for 2 months before Kenny's death and since his death to find Jon and tell him. Kenny pulled the plug on his own life support. He had battled this disease since I knew him.
I am mad that no one thought to tell Jon but me. I am mad that I stepped in such as I did. But this is one more thing that makes me overwhelmed and feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
I have to go be happy and merry at ds christmas party in an hour or so. Then I am hoping since Dh will be home, to come home and collapse for a while. Even if its only for an hour or so since I have christmas presents to make yet (Can you say down to the wire?)
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