I'm really having a hard time now
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| Sun, 12-24-2006 - 8:40am |
I went out yesterday. I've been staying home most of the time but I had to go out to buy a present for my husband's uncle. I couldn't find what I needed at Walmart -- I didn't want to drive up to the next town so my only option was to go to Kmart, the only other store in town. This is the place my husband fell& then was taken to the hospital where he died. I didn't think it would affect me the way it did. When I thought of going there I just thought, Oh poor Jim, the last place the went.
So I shopped around, couldn't find what I wanted but picked up a few extra little things for the others and left. Man oh man, whan I got to my car something came over me, I just fell apart, but i got myself straightened out & drove home. But when I got home it hit me like a ton of bricks -- more so than any other day since his death -- that he was not here. I just literally fell on the floor & sobbed. And sobbed. AND SOBBED. It was out of control crying.
Now I woke up this morning feeling this extreme sadness. I just feel like I can not cope with even being awake. I'm supposed to go over to my son's to be with his family & I just feel I can't do anything. What am I going to do? I'm usually pretty much in control, I know that at this time my feelings are bound to just go all over the place but this is just SO overwhelming...I want to just get back in bed. Maybe it's because I can't do that, that I have to get my stuff together & drive pretty far over there. I don't know.
I'm going to go take a hot bath, try to relax. See how I feel after. Thanks again for "listening".
Karen

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When I am stressed and my feelings overwhelm me I am amazed at how many wrong keys I hit!
There are so many ways our grief can be triggered.
(((Karen)))
Aw hun, my heart aches for you. I've had such similiar experiences as you had after leaving KMart. I know how overwhelming it feels and how exhausting it is just to do those small little things.
It's very possible that your numbness is wearing off after his death, and now your beginning to feel a lot more, and your beginning to feel how big of a loss you've had.
Unfortunitly the strong and intense emotion is going to come, whenever it wants. There's no way to prevent it or control it. In fact, it's healthy that you are getting it out.
Sorry if this note isn't the most supportive, it's my first holiday without my boyfriend and my mind isn't the most clear right now... but I wanted to take the time to let you know that your not alone. The feeling as though it's to hard to be awake, the desire to stay in bed all day, and not wanting to deal with the holidays... I'm dealing with it all too. Hoping you can take comfort in not being alone.
But I'm sending you support... and wishing that you find comfort in memories of your husband, and know that he is watching down on your family smiling proud.
Happy Holidays.
Thanks, Barb. I ended up taking a warm bath & then listening to the Nutcracker on the ride over to my son's. And, of course once I got there, I was glad I went, the grandchildren were happy I was there.
Of course the emotions were rollercoastering -- having a nice time with family, thinking how I wished he (and also my Mom) were here with all of us. I spent the night & it was wonderful to be able to see the grandchildren when they saw Santa had been there and them opening all their gifts.
So, I did ok.
Karen
Oh Razski, your post did help. I didn't get to post back to you & Barb till I got back since I was trying to get out of here on my trip to my son's -- but I read them before I left. And I am so sorry you are also spending the holidays without your dear boyfriend.
It is just so difficult, isn't it?
It IS so overwhelming & exhausting to do just the small things, let alone the big things, like the holiday season.
I know you are right about the numbness wearing off. I realized that just before the trip to KMart - things were becoming oh-so-real & I was crying more & more, along with feeling more exhausted & unable to do what I needed to do.
I hate that you're going through this too. As you go through this, you wish no one else ever had to go through this. But, of course, that's a silly wish, isn't it? Some off kilter thinking going on here. That goes along with the territory -- I think that's a lot of the reason we don't feel like going out, too. It's much safer to stay home when you know you're not thinking so straight.
Anyway, thank you so much for the support. I'm just sorry you are in the same boat.
Karen
Warm baths help me so much!
Hey hun,
I'm glad to hear that you made it through ok.
For me, I think that the day after is proving to be worse than the holiday itself. There was so much anticipation on how hard Christmas was going to be... but being surrounded by my family and extended family really helped make the day go by smoothly. Now, everyones home, but the decorations are still up, and the wish to have him near is stronger now that I'm alone.
Part of me can't believe I still have to do this... I'm only 20... why me, you know?
And yes I completely understand where you're coming from when you say you wish no one else has to go through it. The pain is so overwhelming and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. And yet, every day you hear about someone losing their life to violence, or a car accident and some family having to bury a dad or a child. Every time it breaks my heart because as sad as the event is just to hear about, the waves of pain and life change effects everyone around that person every day for the rest of their lives, in the worst way. And even though I wish no one will have to go through what I have, I still know that at the end of the day everyone has to deal with this pain of grief.
I promise you the feelings of exhaustion will get better. Although I'm still sleeping A LOT... being able to do the small things is starting to get easier. I actually did all my laundry at once this weekend (I had been doing small loads here and there when I could muster the energy), I was able to help my parents clean and actually not give up in frusteration or being to tired, and I did all the dishes after Christmas dinner. (Hey, before I could hardly do a cup so I'm making progress and I'm happy about it.) Although I've been having a lot of anxiety (which is new), I'm still really glad that I'm slowly wanting to get back to normal. I promise you'll get there, eventually.
One day at a time, and sometimes hour to hour, or minute to minute is the only way to get through it.
(((hugs)))
Now I cringe at the idea of saying goodbye to 2006, the last year he was here, and ring in 2007, the first year without him. It's non-stop!
((((KAREN)))
I am so sorry that I didn't answer this sooner. The viruses from he77 visited our house this week, we have all been sick.
I have had those KMART moments, we had a thread, ( I will see if I can find it) called grief bursts.
How are you today?
(((((((((((sweetie))))))))))))
I am so sorry for what you are going through. The firsts are really tough. I lost my mom 2 years ago Dec 4, 2004. I was shopping at a Pamida, one of which my mom had never been to, they were playing silent night and all of a sudden the tears just came streaming down and I couldn't stop. I have done that a few times this holiday season. It is ok sweetheart you are allowed to feel the way you want to feel for as long as you need to.
I did a major burst when I was down by my dad when he had his stroke this year and I was finally able to go to the cemetary all by myself. My mom is buried next to my sister and a few feet from my grandparents (my mom's parents). I pulled up and walked up and saw her headstone and fell to my knees and sobbed like a baby for I don't know how long. I left feeling good but a little like a rung out washcloth. It was kindof a cleansing for me. Our circumstances may not be the same, but feeling the pain and being able to releave some of it is a little the same. You will be ok hon, honest you will. I have always said tears make room for smiles and happy memories.
Please let us know how your doing. Your being sent a million and one hugs.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo
Oh Beth, I hope you are all feeling better now. I am doing better today -- yesterday was rough, it was his birthday. But I have just been staying home & taking it easy here for a few days. I did go down to the hospital to get the copy of his medical records but I haven't read them yet. Don't plan to until I'm feeling much better.
I'm just having times where it just washes over me so strongly. And when it does I feel so all alone and afraid. I don't know what I think will happen that I feel afraid, but that's how I feel. I know it's just part of the grief process and I have to go through it. It's just so very hard.
Thanks Beth, Karen
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