unbearable pain
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| Sun, 12-24-2006 - 1:15pm |
On Dec. 6th of this year, my 38 year old son took his own life. He left a wife and three children(8,7,2,) who adored him. Even though he fought clinical depression for 20 years, he was everything one could ask for. He attended an award dinner the night that he died honoring him for being the top producer at the top Financial company in our city. He was not perfect. He was starting to drink too much and his temper was short. I read now that those are signs of suicide. We saw him depressed before...........he did not seem depressed to us in many months. He and his family just went to Disney World last month. He was under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist..............what good did it do?
I am in so much pain, confusion, anger at God, and sorrow for his family, my husband, and my other children that I feel like I am dying inside.
Tonight, this Grandma will have everyone here to celebrate Christmas Eve. I will put on my happy face to make this a wonderful time for my 11 grandchildren. I hope I don't break down and cry. The oldest child is 9 years old and I don't want to frighten the children.
My funny, handsome, smart, loving son is gone. I can not stand the pain.

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Welcome, oh welcome to the board.
Please know that there are many here who share your pain exactly, and the others of us who know loss.
I will try and check the board tonight and sometime tomorrw. There is a chat tomorrow night, the link is in my siggie.
(Crying in the bathroom might work tonight.)
Dear Mare,
This is a slow time for all the boards but I know that you be welcomed by the group.
Annette  
(((((Marilyn))))), my heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
Dear Marilyn,
First of all, I want to send you my deepet condolences to you and your family on the loss of your son.Here on this board all the women know about loss, though our losses may differ from on another, we are still experiencing the hurt, pain, anger, saddness,etc.
Your description of your son, sounds like he was a very intelligent young man, and very lucky to have such a loving ,and caring family. He did have his problems and you know Marilyn, somtimes we just don't really see those signs of sucide. Don't blame yourself for not recognizing the signs.
Your feelings of anger, confusion, and pain is all part of the greiving process, and you must give it time. There is no set time of how long or how to grieve. One of the things, if I may suggest is not to try to hide your feelings and emotions from your loved ones.It is of the utmost impotance to talk about him, to talk about how you feel, reminise about this man who loved his family and worked hard for them. And in no way should any of you feel that he took his life because of anyone else. This sucide was about him.
You can also try to write in a journal, which can help a great deal aswell. Marilyn, my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers go out to you and your family. People, who take their own lives, are not happy people, they have some kind of saddness inside of them, they struggle with all kinds of issues and emotions and pain,and when they get to the point where they can not deal with it anymore, sucide for them is the only answer. Marilyn, sweetheart, know now that he is at peace.
If you ever need a soft place to fall,a shoulder to cry on, and have an ear to listen to you, I am here, for you, aswell as the other women on this board, who are caring, understanding, and supportive.
To want him, to need him, these are not in vain, for in your happy memories you will have him back again. Right now, the clouds in the sky are dark, but they will not remain black forever, as the sun will come out again. Give yourself time to heal.
I want you to know that I do understand and again, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
((((((((HUGS)))))))) Miriam
((((((Marilyn))) I'm so very sorry for the
Dear Patricia.......thank you so much for taking the time to support me. I am so sorry that we both belong to the god awful club of suicide survivors. I don't feel like I am surviving very well at all. I think I may need to have more courage and jump into this site with both feet. I have been afraid that talking about how sad I am and reading about how sad everyone else is will just make me worse.
Dear Marilyn,
I know exactly what you mean when you say that it seems just like yesterday. My mom will be gone 2 years on the 22nd of Jan. and my older son and I were talking about it just the other day,and I said the same thing,it feels like this all happened yesterday.
Give yourself permission to take the time to grieve. In time you will heal and you will be able to continue living your life, but you will always remember him, as he will be with you forever in your heart, mind and spirit.
Since my last post, I have had you in my thoughts. I am not sure if I mentioned that my brother lost a son in a horrific car accident, so I have been there through this awful time with him and my sister-in -law and so I can understand what you are feeling and going through. It is going to be 19 years in July since he had died.They have gone on with their lives, but their son will always be there with them. He was a diabetic and so my brother had for a few years golf terminates in my nephew name to raise money for childrens diabetes. There was also a library built by a Rabbi and it has been named in honour of my nephew. So his name does live on.
You know Marilyn, I also have a suggestion, which I do not think that I had told you about before which may help you a great deal. If I mentioned this to you before I am sorry, if I hadn't well perhaps you can try this. You can sit down one evening and write your son a letter. My late mother used to write letters and peoms to my father after he passed away, and she said that she felt it very theraputic.
So, you take care, and continue keeping intouch with me as I am concerned and very interested in how you are coming along.
Lots of hugs, Miriam
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