Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Any advice?
33
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 3:42pm

My Mother and I were best friends. She just passed away on Decemeber 14th. I miss her so much but sometimes I feel as if she is going to walk through the front door. My Mother died of breast cancer and she fought so hard for 4 years. She only decided to go on Hospice a week before she passed. I knew my Mother's cancer would kill her someday so I tried to prepare myself as much as I could. I always imagined myself and my siblings being with her until the end and it being very spiritual. My mothers death was nothing like that. Although we were all there she suffered until literally the last minute. I feel so guilty that I prayed as hard as I could for God to let my Mom die. I also feel guilty that that day I was pressured by my sibling to tell my Mom that it is okay to go. I told her, but I lied. The truth is is that its not okay. I still need her. I am haunted by visions of my Mother suffering. everyone always tells me she's in a better place now. That may be true and I may be selfish but I don't want her there, I want her here because I miss her too much. Does anyone have any advice on how to let go of this feeling, I want to be okay with her in "a better place" and I need to sleep, how do I get these visions out of my head?? any help will be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure where else to go. My fiance is no help he just gets angry because he thinks im telling him to fix my problem.

Melissa

Melissaphoto

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:52pm

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. She was lucky to have the support of such loving family during her darkest days.

First welcome to the board. All of the women on this board are very supportive and I'm sure you will be hearing from them soon.

I am still very new to the grieving process myself (it's only been two months)... but through talking to the women here and a grief counsilor I have learned a lot about grief.

A lot of what you expressed here on this board seems like a natural reaction to a devestating loss. There are many different aspects to grief... guilt, and obsessive thoughts are definitly apart of grief.

Part of the grieving process is to think these thoughts through. It takes time to let these feelings go. As clique as it sounds, time will heal all.

If you are feeling that things arn't getting better or your thoughts are troubling you to much you might consider speaking to a grief counsilor. I myself have been seeing one and he has helped me tremdeiously with educating me on the grief process, and how "normal" my reactions have been.

Right now things seem really dark, but over time it will begin to get easier, I promise you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:08pm

((((((Sweetie))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am from Wisconsin, waaaaay up north my Duluth, mn. Sweetheart I lost my mom Dec. 4, 2004. I remember getting the call from the nursing home/rehab center. We lived 400 miles apart, but I talked to my mom everyday. I went to visit her as often as I could staying a week at a time. I am an only child so my dad and I and my dh had to take care of alot of things. When I got the call we left the next morning. On the evening my mom passed, I just needed to go see some of our friends. We had had supper with dad and took him home so we headed out. My dh said we could stop and see mom we were only a few blocks away. I said no, I needed a change. We were at our friends for about a 1/2 hr. when we got the call. I still feel guilty for not taking that opportunity to see my mom.

I too told my mom its ok to go. She had fought and won bladder cancer then developed spinal cancer and puenomia finally took her. She had fought long and hard and just couldn't anymore. I miss her too. It is easier after 2 years but I know what your going through and it is ok. Try doing a journal of your feelings everyday. Even put in happy and sad memories. It does help. Raz suggested a counselor and that is a great idea, go for it. Sweetie, it is ok to cry. Like I always say tears make room for smiles and happy memories.

Please keep posting and let us know how your doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo

Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:03am

Melissa, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. You know, I've found whether you anticipate the death of a loved one or it's a sudden death we survivors still go through the same grief process. Still feel they might just walk in the door at any time, still feel we need to see them at least just one more time, and all those other feelings you talked about. It's so awful to go through but all part of what we go through.

I just lost my husband to a sudden death. I'm having a terrible time, too. I just started seeing a Hospice therapist.

I also lost a a husband a couple years ago after a 3 year battle with kidney cancer and I saw a Hospice therapist after that, too. I, like you, got to the point where I asked God to take him from his pain. And I also was so unsettled that his death was not more peaceful, as I thought it would be. And when we know we're eventually going to lose them to the cancer we try to prepare ourselves, but there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself. Nothing.

And then losing your mother is something in itself. I lost my mother last December. I guess we just always have that feeling our mother will be there for us -- it's so hard to imagine it being different. I still feel like the need to talk to my Mom quite often. I was just finishing up grief therapy when I lost her. I attended 13 months.

I didn't want to tell you my big long story, but wanted to let you know that no matter
what the circumstances, as awful as it is, we go through all these multitude of feelings -- they come, they go, they get stronger at times, they pass. We just have to go through them.

I would urge anyone to take advantage of Hospice's therapy services. You still go through the necessary grieving process, but it makes it a little better when you understand what is going on & that you're not going berserk.

Take good care of yourself. Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 10:06am

(((( Melissa)))))

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom before christmas. It the worse time to lose anyone trust me I know that. I agree with everyone here about writing your feelings down. Hence I think I need to do that. I don't have much advice since I only learning as well.

Love Rochelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:01pm

Hi


I am Beth, one of the cls here. I can relate to your post in many ways.


My mom died as a result of Alzheimer's. I miss her daily, although it has been over 5 years. I no longer, however, think of her as the shell she left behind. I hear her laughter and see her smile. It is comforting.


My sister, however, died in December 2004. She suffered from a multitude of chronic illnesses due to systemic lupus. Although I knew the lupus would kill her, I didn't want it to be right after she had gotten the kidney transplant she had waited 6 years for.


Our other sister, cousin and I were her proxies, and together we came to the decision to remove her ventilator. The guilt crippled me for over


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 3:34pm

Hi Melissa,

I am so so sorry for the loss of your mom. I don't think it's selfish of you at all to want your mom back. I think it's only natural. Please don't feel guilty for any of your feelings. They are perfectly normal. I used to hate it when people said my dad was in a better place. I knew that. What I wanted was him with ME. It's all part of the grief. You need to be very gentle with yourself as your grief is still so raw, which it will be for a long time. I lost my dad on Oct. 9, 2005 and I can just now say my prayers at night without bursting into sobs. It's a process. Someone, I think on this board, likened grief to the ocean. It comes in waves. Sometimes you feel ok, and other times it washes over you and you feel like you are going to drown. For me, talking about my dad really helped. I read a lot of books on the afterlife and I prayed a lot. My mom saw a grief counselor. That helped her. We both sought out medication. As hard as it is, my only real advice is that you have to go through your grief. Feel it. Cry when you want to, do whatever feels right for you. Everyone is different, as is everyone's grief. There is no set time for when you will feel better so don't let anyone rush you. I wish there was some words I could say to make you feel even a little better, but I know from experience there just isn't. Come back and post often, the people here are wonderful. They really helped me when I needed it. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. God bless.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:46pm

((((Melissa))))

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear mom. I know exactly where you are coming from and you should not feel guilty for praying that God take her and her pain away. I am going to give you two examples as so that you know that I have been there and done that.

My father passed away it will be 27 years in Feb. My father had liver cancer and we were told that he had only 6 months to live, and he passed away 5 1/2 months later. I really do not believe that you can ever be prepared to loose a loved one. He was home till 2 days before he died. The day he died I was besside his bed watching him suffer and also he had water on his lungs, and my mother and I stood there listening to him gurgling that water. I left my mom standing there, went upstairs to the chapel and prayered that he take my precious dad so that he would not have to suffer any longer. Well, Melissa, sweetheart, I went downstairs and a half an hour later, my wish was granted. I did not and never did feel guilty for asking God to take him as I will always remember his face while he was suffering and after he stopped breathing. The pain in his face just killed me, and then........there was a calmness and the wrinkiles in his face were smooth and there was no more pain. Even though I didn't want him to die, as he was the best father that any one could ever have , I didn't want to have him and watch him suffer at the same time. If I had to choose between having him and him suffering or not have him and not suffering, well you alredy have my answer.

Now, my mom who passed away it will be 2 years on the 22nd of Jan. we were asked if she had a DNR. My siblings and I told them no, and so we had to make that decission whether we sign one or not. My mom was 97 years old, lying there with an oxgyen mask and intervenas and not doing so well. After lengthly talks with the doctor, we made the decision to sign that DNR because we realized that by not signing it, we would only be prolonging her death and not her life. One nurse came over to me as I stood there crying, she took me around and literally cried with me, and said, "I have never in all my life working here as a nurse, tying to safe people, to meet such an unselfish family." My siblings and I didn't want her to go, she was our best friend, our mother, our confidant, and she was our inspiration, but.........again, we didn't want to see her with tubes, and masks for another few days just for us to have her here with us. I also sat on her bed and whispered in her ear, that it is ok for her to let go and now she would be with my father again. My brother had said the same thing, because as much as we hated to lether go, we knew she was going regardless and so why would we want her to fight to stay for another few hours. She was unconcious and it was a pity to see her like that, as that was not my mother lying there, the women who used to be full of life, and smiles and laughter.

So, Melissa, I don't think that you should be so hard on yourself. Your mother is resting in peace now, no more pain and suffering. She will always be with you,perhaps not in person, but in mind, heart and spirit. May the memories of your dear mother help you through this difficult time. Reminise about the wonderful women she was, look at pictures and maybe you will remember some funny times with her and you can have some laughter aswell. Don't be afraid to laugh as it won't take your memories away from your mom.

As for your fiance, perhaps he becomes angry as he does not know what to say or what to do for you. Some people are not comfortable with death as they themselves do not know how to handle it.

So, Melisa, be good to yourself and allow some time to grieve. I still feel at times to go and pick up the phone to call my mom. I believe that this is normal reactions. We have done that for so many years. Habits are hard to break.

Please take care and let me know how you are doing. Lots of hugs to you.
Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:49am

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT HAS OFFERED ME SOME ADVICE AND SUPPORT. I find it comforting to know that others care and can relate. I did purchace a journal and a couple of books (motherless daughters and Grieving the death of a Mother) The journal sent me in an emotional breakdown everytime I sat down to write in it. My Mother used to right in journals all the time and it made me think of her everytime I put pen to paper. I do however think it will be helpful in hindsight. My Mom's cell phone is still in service and I have called it a few time today just to hear her voice. Right now I feel its the only thing I got. I don't know about anyone else but I always thought I would get a sign from my Mom letting me know she is okay. The only thing I thought of that was close to a sign was hearing the song "oh holy night" over and over after she died on the radio. It was the last song she sang (during her surge of energy). 2 days before she died she told my sister that she didn't know God. I pray that God knew her and took her home. Now that Christmas is over I don't hear that song.

Thanks again eveyone for the advice. I hope that I am able to help someone someday as well.

Melissa

Melissaphoto

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 7:45pm

Hello, I can not offer any advice but I know how you are feeling. My Dad passed away Dec 21,2006. He was home with hospice for a week before he passed and I was there everyday helping my mother take care of him. He fought cancer for almost four years. I miss him so much and today was really bad for me. I couldn't stop crying. I was strong when everything was going on but now I am lost and having a hard time. I keep thinking he is going to call me at work and say where is the Berger girl. I miss that. Maybe we can try to support one another. I was thinking about going to a counsling I don't know. Everyone thinks be strong it will be alright. Well it's not alright. I was so close to my Dad. It's hard.

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:29pm

Hi Melissa,
I think anything that makes us think of our loved ones can be signs. Your mom may not have known God, but you can take comfort in the fact that He knew and loved her. I still wait for signs from my dad. Right after he passed I saw tons & tons of Monarch butterflies. I like to think those are my signs. Another great book is Final Gifts. Hospice recommended that one to us. Books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are really good too. (((hugs)))

Jen

 

Jen

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