New here

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
New here
11
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 4:41pm
Hi all. I'm new here. My mom passed away on Dec. 24 from lung cancer. She fought for 3 years. It was terrible watching her go through chemo and radiation. She was so miserable that I am glad she is no longer suffering. But I still miss her. It's been a tough few weeks. I am almost 28 and the oldest of three children, so that means I'm the one everyone comes to for strength and support. I have two boys, 2 1/2 and 6 months. I'm now on Zoloft for depression. Luckily I was able to get help before mom actually passed, so the medication has definitely helped. However, today I feel like I'm losing it again. I'm not in the best of moods and am really irritable. I was sitting here thinking about why I'm feeling like this when it hit me that Wednesday will be one month since mom's death. Maybe that is why I feel like I'm slipping back into my pre-Zoloft ways. I guess I'm still having a hard time dealing with this. I thought I was doing better. Today is my dad's birthday. Yesterday I had everyone over for his birthday. Next Monday is my birthday. I'm sure the family will be over again. It's so hard when we all get together and mom is not here. Maybe that is also what has me down today. I know people say things will get easier, but is that really true? I just don't know what to do when I have these bad days. I feel like I have no control over my emotions at this point. I try to put on a brave face for everyone else, but it's hard when I'm by myself. I guess these milestones are tough to get through. How have you all dealt with your grief? How did you get past the one month anniversary?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:12pm

((((((flowers))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not be so hard on yourself as it is only a month since you have lost your mom. You need to give yourself permission to grief, and give yourself time to heal. I can relate to how you feel, as today, Monday Jan.22nd is 2 years since my mom has passed away.

I thought it would be a bad day for me, as she was my best friend, my confidant and my mother, but......my day was not bad at all, and I believe it was because I sat down the other day and wrote my mother a letter. I have posted it on the board if you want to go and read it. It is under "A Letter To My Mother" It is a little longer than I expected to write, but then again I didn't realize that I had so much to tell her until I sat down and began to write. It is very comforting and very theraputic. My daughter came over and we read the letter together and then looked at each other with a smile and began to reminise about the wonderful women she was.

As for your birthday, and other gatherings, your mom may not be there in person, but she will be there in spirit. She will always be with you, in your thoughts and in your heart.

You asked whether it is true that it will get easier, well.... in time it will. Right now , it is still very fresh and you need the time to grieve. When you are having your bad days, perhaps that is the time to sit down quietly with a cup of tea and write in a journal or do as I did, write your mom a letter. Think of the memories which will help you get through your difficult time. Look at pictures and try to remember the fun times and the funny times you had with her, and it is even ok to laugh as that in itself is a great outlet.

I know that the clouds are dark right now, but sweetie, you know they will not remain black forever, as the sun will come out again.

So, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and remember if you ever need a soft place to fall you can call on me, and the others here on this board. Pleae keep intouch with me as I really would like to know how you are doing.

((((((hugs)))))) Miriam

Photobucket 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:27am

((((hugs))))


During family get togethers I try to think the reason we are all HERE is because of my mom. She will forever be a part of all of us

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:01am
Thank you both for your advice and support. Things got better for me last night. I had to work, so I was able to keep busy and not dwell on things. I work a couple nights a week to get out of the house and get a break from the kids. I know that I need to let myself grieve. It is just hard because I feel like I have to put on happy face for everyone else, especially my kids. I have to keep their normal routine going for them. That makes it tough. I also have a hard time talking to my friends or husband about this. Usually I'm very open with my feelings, but for some reason I can't seem to open up about this with anyone. That is why I came to this board. It seems easier to express myself in writing. Maybe a journal is a good idea. Thank you again for everything. Also, I hope everyone is having a good day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:44am

Hi, my name is Deborah,I lost my mom to lung cancer fifteen tears ago and it was very hard for me. I was three months pregnant and had no idea what i was going to do. My Mom had always been strong and could make anything happen.There was only my brother and I left. My Dad died when I was 9 years old. I have no grandparents on either side. My Mom and I had not always seen eye to eye, but that was my Mom. There are still times even after 15 years, I will start something and think I need to call "Mom" to tell her the latest. You will always miss your Mom, but she would want you to be strong and keep living...she is always with you. And on that one month anniversary do something that you know your Mom would like to do. Maybe if she liked flowers, plant a special plant or tree and as you go thru your grief, watch this plant grow and know she is with you. God is always with us thru the hard times and he won't give you more than you can handle even thou we think it is too much for us to handle.It is to help us grow stronger and to help others in their grief. Know that you are in my prayers, remember one second at a time, then one minute at a time, then one day at a time, until before you know it you will have put time behind you. Lots of HUGS for you in your time of need, Deborah

((((((((((((HUGS.....HUGS....HUGS)))))))))))))

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 11:28pm
Angela, I think we have all found it terribly difficult to have family gatherings with one missing.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:00pm
Today is the one month anniversary of mom's death. I'm feeling a little down, but trying to stay positive. I know that I should let myself cry, but it is hard to let go around people. I've always been the "strong one" in the family and the one everyone looks to for strength and comfort. That makes it harder for me to allow myself to grieve. I feel like I'm not supposed to fall apart because I've always been able to hold it together. Last night I left after dh got home from work because I needed to be myself a little. I went to the store to pick up a few things. On the way home I heard a sad song and let myself cry. It felt good. But then when I got home, I immediately bottled everything up again. I don't know why. I just can't seem to let people see me upset. I put on this act, making everyone think I'm fine. Although everyone, myself included, knows I'm not. It's so frustrating. With my dad, brother and sister, I have to be there for them. Help them get through this. With my husband and kids, I have to provide a stable environment in order not to disrupt their normal routines. I know this isn't right, but I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. This is what is expected of me, and I just can't let go of that. I didn't mean for this to be so long, but it feels good to let it out. Thank you for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:18pm
(((((Angela))))), we do understand.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:23pm

I know no one can tell me what I need to do. I'm sorry if I left that impression. I'm just trying to work through things. I want to thank all of you for your support and suggestions. They have helped me get through a tough couple of days. I actually feel like I'm learning how to deal with mom's death. I understand it is different for everyone, but I think I'm figuring it out for myself, thanks to you. I realized that I was avoiding the whole situation, and now I'm trying to accept what happened and trying to learn how to deal with it. I've started a journal and bought a book called Motherless Daughters, which is about females losing their mothers. Both of these have helped me understand that I need to deal with mom's death and stop avoiding it. Again, thank you for listening and for all of your support.

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 6:28am

Oh, dear.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
In reply to: flowers_mom_1
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:19pm
Angela,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. My mom died three weeks ago today. It is so very hard. I do understand. I am 28 and mother of one and the only girl and youngest. My mom was my best friend. She also died of lung cancer. But we only found out the second week of December. I have found this site to be very encouraging and a great place to vent. Although, our spouses try to be understanding, they will never know how it feels to lose a mom from a daughter's viewpoint. I started a journal before she passed but I can seem to start writing again. But I did start reading a book called "90 minutes in Heaven." This book has given me such peace and really makes me look forward to the day I can see her again. I want to try the book you spoke of, it sounds really good. Please remember that you can always come here to talk and people will always listen and understand your feelings. Take care.
Allyson

Pages