No one seems to understand,...
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No one seems to understand,...
| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:58pm |
My Dad was diagnosed with Lymphoma, and died nine months later. Wednesday will be six months since he died. Prior to becoming sick, he was healthy, and a large part of my life. His diagnosis took us all by surprise, but these things usually do. I thought I was prepared for him to die, to let him go, to not see him suffer. I thought I said my goodbye, told him how much I loved him. I find myself wishing for one more day, selfishly wanting him alive, even though his pain was so horrible. My birthday is in a week, and how do I celebrate without him, how does life go on? My Mom seems to push me away, and I feel helpless with her. I have friends, and a husband whom all try to listen, but truly no one understands. Dad was 64, he had so many good years robbed away. I am 33, and feel like I am too young to not have a dad. Please anyone who can help me, I would appreciate any words.... Caryn

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Caryn
You will survive your birthday. I survive mine...and I was born on my parent's wedding anniversary. It is hard with Mama gone, but I have made it through.
Your dad sounds wonderful. I am sorry that your Mom seems to be withdrawing in her grief.
It is okay to not feel joyous on your day, but do try and act "as if" when your husband does or says something for your birthday. Come here...and let us know your sorrow. We understand.
Beth
Proud to be co-cl for
I sure understand exactly how you feel. But first let me say I am sorry you lost your dad at such a young age! :( I lost my mom two weeks ago to a viral infection that wouldn't go away/ and lack of oxygen. (Hard to explain really) But anyway, I thought the same thing--not only was my mom only 63, and me only 35, but I thought for sure we'd get at least 20 more years together. I too, wish I had another day to talk with her. sometimes I feel so bad b/c I was there when she passed.
Can you try and think that he is there--watching over you? That seems to help me so far. It also helps that I think about all the good times we've had, and I scrapbook, so to some extent scrapping her life has helped a lot too. But I still feel pain at night and want to call her. I know those feelings are normal and so are yours. I think it just will take a long time before we will feel better.
Hope this helps and just know that your dad is safe now, and he's not suffering anymore either.
Caryn,
I want to send my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your dear dad.No one is ever prepared to loose a loved one. I definitely understand what you are going through and what you are feeling.
My father who has passed away 27 years this month was told he had only 6 months to live as he had liver cancer and he passed away 5 1/2 months later. Two years ago I lost my mom aswell. I too, wish that I can have my parents back with me, as I had two wonderful parents that I love and adore with all of my heart and I miss them terribly. Right now, you are going through your grieving process and so are wondering how you are going to go on with your life. You will go on with your life, first give yourself permission to grieve. It has only been 6 months.
Please do not think of yourself being selfish for wanting one more day with the man who was in your life for 33 years. You are a loving daughter who adored your father and ofcourse you didn't want him to pass on and of course you want him to be with you.That is not being selfish at all.
As for your mom, well sweetie, don't take it personally if you feel that she is pushing you away, as she is going thorugh her own grieving process. What you can do is write in a journal about how you are feeling, your emotions etc. as that is one way of releasing some of your inner thoughts. Jan 22nd was my mom's 2nd anniversary that she had passed away, and I sat down with a cup of tea, I put on some quiet music and wrote my mom a letter, which I posted on the board. I have to tell you, that it was very theraputic, and calming. After writing this letter I felt like tons of weight was lifted off my shoulders. I look at pictures and I reminise about all the wonderful times, while growing up.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom, and know that the cloudsin the sky may be black right now, but they will not remain black forever, as the sun will shine again.
Caryn, sweetheart, please let me know how you are doing. Know that whenever you need a soft place to fall, I am here for you. Also remember that even though you will be celebrating your birthday without your dad's presence, he will be there in spirit. He will always be with you, in your thoughts and in your heart. I am sure that your dad was very proud of his girl. No matter how old we are or how old our parents are, we never want to loose them.
So you take care and hope to hear from you soon.
((((((HUGS)))))) Miriam
It will be tough but you will get through the day.
Annette  
(((((Caryn))))), I want to extend my sympathy on the death of your father.
Sounds far too familiar to me. My father died after a short illness when I was in the my 30's and I often wish he was here. I don't find that selfish. I desire to just touch him one last time. I was lucky to find a special friend a few months after my father passed away who had also lost his father a few months before. We call ourselves the "Dead Dad Club" and up until an episode of Grey's Anatomy did we think were the only 2 members of it. We aren't and now you are an honorary member of our club. (As is everyone on this board as well...welcome!) The club members spend hours talking about our Dads. My father was 63 and much too young to go as well. My friend Gary's Dad was 53 which also is way too young to die. We have bonded beyond belief.
The deep despair will lessen this I promise. The pain and confusion will soften. Will you ever not miss Daddy? Not a chance...what you have to do is find peace with it. You know he was in pain and no one that loves him as you do would have wanted him in pain (you said that yourself). I think the key is to allow yourself to hurt. To experience it and not fight it. Cry when you need to.
We understand you here. We understand the extreme pain of loss. We will support you in whatever you need.
Kiki
Honey, life does go on. I know it may not feel like it now, but it does.
A few years ago when I lost my grandfather, I couldn't get over the pain of seeing how sickened and grief-stricken his children and wife were. Sometimes, to be honest, I wanted to leave my family behind in their grief because I knew it would never be the same again without Grandpa. The family events and everything wouldn't be the same or feel the same. I felt like nothing was going to be okay again.
I asked God for help and He led me to believe how much my mother needed her immediate family to help her, particularly my dad and me, because I'm the oldest and seem to understand her better; and my aunts and uncles. I supported them, prayed for and with them, and we somehow got through it. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things WILL get better. You WILL see. :)
Your father is in a better place now and he continues to watch over you every day and night. He is one of your angels now and God has given him a different job to do: to watch over you and the rest of his family. I reminded my mother and a few other family members of that. Our first Christmas without him was tough at the Christmas services, crying and everything, but when we got home and opened presents, seeing the joy and happiness in the childrens' faces, plus everybody else's joys in the presents they got, there were more smiles that Christmas than frowns.
Believe in miracles. They happen everyday.
Smiley
Caryn, I was a therapist before I had to quit working because of MS. I think we tend to be harder on ourselves because we've spent so much time helping our clients -- and as we go through these difficult times we somtimes feel we should a better handle on the coping skills. But as we know, you can't "therapize" yourself!
And like you were saying, you can't really appreciate what someone else is experiencing when they lose someone so dear although we've been taught to help them along with their grief...after you suffer such a great loss you do begin to wonder did you really help those who came for help when you had not truly understood the depth of their sorrow?
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just so overwhelming at times...it helps to come here, everyone is so supportive & of course understands what we're going through.
Take good care, Karen
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