Dealing with Suicide 3 years later

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Dealing with Suicide 3 years later
18
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:01pm

I am not sure if this board is okay for dealing with suicide deaths. I guess in my own opinion, death is death no matter how it happens but if there is a more suitable board please let me know about it. I can't find it right now.
Today is the third anniversary of my father's suicide. We had no idea of his own inner struggle and this was a complete shock to us all. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever been confronted with and unfortunately, I am realizing in the last 4 months that I have not truly confronted my feelings and grieved my father's death. Three years later...During these three years I have become a workaholic, irritable and moody, repressed, pushed my friends away, and suffered in silence. From the momment my dad passed I assumed the role of the 'strong one' for my mom and brother. Everyone was so worried that my brother would take my dad's death the wrong way and feel extreme guilt immediately (he was a bit of a trouble maker---I believe more for attention from my dad, but that is a completely different discussion). I took on this idea that I had to seem 'perfect' and 'fine' around them so that I could help them get better, going home and being miserable and unhappy. I stopped having sex with my boyfriend and stopped living altogether. I didn't laugh from deep within anymore and enjoy the things I did in the past. I started counseling about a year after his death but didn't stick with it. I am trying my hardest to get myself back after my father's very selfish act and me trying to help everyone else deal with it I am going to help myself.
Journaling seems to help with me dealing with my feelings toward my dad and counseling has helped immensely. I have written three or four letters to my dad since this has happened and I listen to music we played during the funeral and his favorite bands, etc. I am finally making my mom talk to me about her true feelings about what has happened. That is something our family never did...talk about our feelings. So this is all new to me. Does anyone have any other suggestions to help deal with the pain??

I was also hoping people could give me advice on how to deal and relate to my boyfriend and getting us back on track. We have tumbled out of control in our relationship after my dad's death. We lived together and he eventually turned to another woman during the last year and a half on and off. I love him dearly and he loves me dearly...we just seemed to lose each other during all of this. Neither of us had great role-models in our families to turn to when we started this downward-spiral...but I want him in my life and now that I am starting to get back on track with my dad's death...I want him more than ever. Does anyone have any advice on relationships and sustaining them after a death in the family?
I know my life probably seems crazy and you probably think this is all a joke...but it isn't. I wish it was....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:33pm

Welcome to our board, (((((Alh78))))).

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:16am

Hi there. First of all let me express how sorry I am for your loss. I'm going to approach this from two ways since I've lost 2 people to suicide and I've also lost my father, though not to suicide.

It's very true that every death is different and every person deals with it differently; however, I think that dealing with the death of a loved one by suicide is especially difficult. There are so many different feelings of anger, guilt, and questioning that you don't typically deal with as much with other deaths. I lost my best friend to suicide 4 years ago this year and my boyfriend 3 years ago this year so I completely understand your feelings.

I also think it's especially difficult as a woman losing a father because you miss all of those things that are going to happen in your life. Who's going to question and scare the crap out of my new boyfriend? Who's going to walk me down the aisle? Who's going to teach my son the passion of loving the Redskins? :) My dad has been gone almost 12 years and I still think about this stuff all the time. For you, you also had to become the grown-up in your family and there may be some underlying resentment (to both your father and your mother and brother) there about not being able to live your own life to the fullest over the past few years.

Each person grieves in their own time and way and you can't rush it but I can understand how frustrated you are by not moving on at least a little over the past 3 years. Journaling is good and if it helps a little bit keep it up. I also would recommend some books to read (No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine and An Unquiet Mind and Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison). Those books all helped me immensly when I was coping with both of the suicides I dealt with.

Lastly, have you considered trying anti-depressants? I strongly believe that mental health issues are hereditary and while you may not have issues to the extent that your father did it may be possible that his death brought up some depression that you didn't know you had. I don't think you need to be on them forever (though that's for your doctor to decide) but sometimes it helps get you over that hump and helps clear your mind so that you can realize what exactly the issues are and how to deal with them. I would suggest doing this in conjunction with seeing a counselor again.

I don't really have any advice about relationships as the one with my boyfriend suffered after my best friend died and then he ended up doing the same a year later but the best thing I can say is just talk to him. Maybe it would help for him to go with you to counseling a few times?

I hope things get better for you and I hope this helps at least a little bit. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat at all.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:26am

Don't worry we all know how loss can disrupt our lives. As far as your boyfriend can I make a suggestion? I do not want to be negative on this board but if he loved you enough he wouldn't have turned to another woman. Do not let him get away with this by blaming yourself.

Now enough of the negative and let's think positively. When we suffer a loss we revel at times in our misery. Stopping counseling was your way to extending the pain and the best decision would be to go back to your therapist. It's the only way to begin the healing process.

I won't pretend to know what it's like to have suicide in my life like yours. It obviously would be the ultimate betrayal but at the same time it's your Dad and your love and respect would counter all of it and be a massive amount of confused. Counseling sweetie......start the process and the rest will fall in place.

Good Luck.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:15am

(((((JULIE)))))!!!


How wonderful to see you back here!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:37am
(((Barb))) great to be back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 1:48pm

Kiki. it is rare that we have a poster here who has experienced so many aspects of the journey of healing!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 4:22pm
I am in counseling. I have been in counseling since October. Things are going well with all of that. I was just hoping to hear from others that have dealt with these things.
I do not blame myself for my boyfriends extremely selfish deicisions...but I do blame myself for not living and getting control of my life and what I wanted out of if until now. I was EXTREMELY miserable with myself, my home, my relatinships, etc. I was a stress ball and very irritable. He tried numberous times to get me to try counseling, anti-depressants, etc...and I just agreed but did not flow through. I do not blame myself and I do not excuse his choices. Neither of us have dealt with my dad's death correctly, but why not try to correct the wrong path we took and get back on track? Is that terrible? Am I crazy?
I feel so much better through taking my feelings and dealing with my dad's choices head on. He is in counseling too, dealing with all that he has done and his past. Counseling is such a great thing, I am learning so much about recognizing my feelings and how to deal with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:54pm

Thank you for your response. I am far too aware of the pain loss causes and when it first happened for me in my early 30's (my niece's cancer diagnosis) I had to find a place to put it as I suffer from situational depression and I know that I can get so lost in my grief that I could lose all of what I have worked for. We all know that isn't what our loved ones would want for us. So I have had counseling and one of the most amazing sayings that I found in a children's book about a boy and the loss of his beloved pet helped me tremendously. Just a few short words says it all.."When you love lots you hurt lots". Think about it...we have choices. We can never love anyone and never experience the pain of loss but what kind of life is that??? So we love with all of our hearts and souls and yes they leave us whether it's my 94 year old Grandmother or my beloved father who was too young to go. I cry frequently about all of them and wish daily that I could share my life with them again but I can't. And that's the other part of this whole thing....we don't have a choice. This is what life is all about. I heard someone say once that death happens so we will appreciate life. And it's true. We grow so much with every loss and illness we ourselves experience. We want to ask ourselves why me? Well why not me because as this supportive board shows everyone experiences this. No one is immuned and we have to be here for each other.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:01pm

Don't let his death be wasted by your not learning and growing from this momentus experience. Counseling is fabulous and I hope that you and your boyfriend will be stronger in the long run. It sounds like you are doing good knowing that you have to move forward. You will never forget him and never stop loving him regardless of his decision to leave the way he did.

Remember that you are a person that needs nurturing and be selfish a bit to get through this. It's okay and you will be a better person for that.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:00pm

Hey there,

I want to thank you for you post, first of all. My mother commited suicide on Jan 5th of this year. By reading your post I realized a couple things that made me very sad and many that made me feel better. I am sorry that your boyfriend didn't stick it out with you, that was very selfish of him.

There are many similarities from your story to mine. I think that my younger brother (18) is blaming himself for this because he also acted out throughout his school years. I've felt like I've had to suck it up and be the strong one as well. I live in a different state than the rest of my family so it is hard for me to really know what is going on in that house.

I've started counseling and I've learned from your post to stick with it. I know that I will always grieve for my mother, but I hope that counseling will lessen that pain.

I think the one blessing in all of this, the one thing that has helped me more than anything else could, is finding out that my husband and I are pregnant with our first baby. I found out 10 days after she suicided, while I was still in Maine with my family. I think it is given a lot of people something else to focus on.

Well I will stop blabbing, I just wanted to say thank you for your post and I am so very sorry for your loss.

Sarah

 

 

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