Does anyone else feel like this?
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Does anyone else feel like this?
| Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:55pm |
Eight weeks ago tomorrow I miscarried my 20 week old son Henry. I feel like my life has stopped and like there is nothing left inside me. I know I will never be the same again, almost as if my heart has died, but I keep breathing none the less.
I've never posted here, but I just find myself wondering something. Does anyone here feel like they are obliged to put on a happy face and keep going because everyone else expects them too? Do you ever feel like the someone you loved and lost doesn't matter as much as not making those around you feel uncomfortable? I feel like I am not allowed to grieve at all...I don't mean wailing and crying all the time either, I mean just needing quiet time and not being all smiles and acting as though nothing happened.It almost seems as though he never existed because I am not allowed to be unhappy. I miss him so much. Why can't anyone understand that?
Everyone, my fiancee, mother, boss, friends, everyone just seem to think I should see a psychiatrist and get on meds so I can get back to "normal". What is normal anymore? It's so funny 'cause evryone wants me to be "normal", but they none can seem to tell me what that is anymore. I get up, I go to work, do my job(911 op), come home, do laundry, cook, etc...all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Isn't that enough?
It's like everyone wants me to forget and get over him? But, how do you? He was real, he was beautiful, and he was mine and now he is gone. It takes everything I have just to breathe, but everyday I get and perform for them, and feel nothing. Why can't that be enough?
Does anyone else feel like this?
I've never posted here, but I just find myself wondering something. Does anyone here feel like they are obliged to put on a happy face and keep going because everyone else expects them too? Do you ever feel like the someone you loved and lost doesn't matter as much as not making those around you feel uncomfortable? I feel like I am not allowed to grieve at all...I don't mean wailing and crying all the time either, I mean just needing quiet time and not being all smiles and acting as though nothing happened.It almost seems as though he never existed because I am not allowed to be unhappy. I miss him so much. Why can't anyone understand that?
Everyone, my fiancee, mother, boss, friends, everyone just seem to think I should see a psychiatrist and get on meds so I can get back to "normal". What is normal anymore? It's so funny 'cause evryone wants me to be "normal", but they none can seem to tell me what that is anymore. I get up, I go to work, do my job(911 op), come home, do laundry, cook, etc...all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Isn't that enough?
It's like everyone wants me to forget and get over him? But, how do you? He was real, he was beautiful, and he was mine and now he is gone. It takes everything I have just to breathe, but everyday I get and perform for them, and feel nothing. Why can't that be enough?
Does anyone else feel like this?


(((hugs)))
I won't pretend to know the pain you feel at losing your unborn son. How tragic. My heart goes out to you. I do believe that there is a message board for those who have miscarried... but I'm not sure (Beth or Barb would you know?). Perhaps you could find comfort there as well.
Loss is hard no matter when or how it effects your life. Everyone handles it differently and in their own way. But thats just it, no one can understand how you feel inside... and no matter how you try to explain it... no one will ever "get it". But your son was real, he was yours and it's heartbreaking that no one else got to know him the way you did.
As for myself, I lost my boyfriend just about 3 months ago... and I can whole heartidly say that yes I do put on a happy face because I feel expected to. That may or may not be the best thing to do, but it's what I'm currently doing. You are not alone in feeling that I need to keep up that appearance in the midst of my pain. I decided that I needed help dealing with my loss so I decided to see a counsilor. It was the best decision I made for myself... it's been very helpful in finding someone to just listen. People advice for you to see a doctor may not be that far fetched. Because you feel like no one understands having a grief counsilor whose job it is to deal with these things might be more understanding than your family or friends. It's hard for them to understand when they arn't going through it themselves.
Please be easy on yourself... just one day at a time is the best you can do. The pain will lessen with time, but you will never forget.
(((Hugs))) and support.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
((((((Sweetie)))))
I am so sorry for your loss, I also miscarried, but it was over 30 years ago. The feeling of loss comes back once in a while, but I have 3 grown sons. I had a hard time to. I think people are uncomfortable because they don't know how to make you feel better, so the next best thing to them is for you to return to "normal". You grieve the way you feel you need to. Everyone grieves in a different way and that is ok. Your grief is new and raw, I agree quiet time is great and very helpful and healing. Crying is too, tears make room for smiles and happy memories.
Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Please post so we know how your doing. This is a very special place and these are very special ladies.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Yep, I feel the same way, but it's gotten better. The first day I went back to work after my mom died I felt like everyone was looking at me, wondering what to say. That day I didn't worry about putting on a happy face. I just simply let them know not to be afraid to ask me questions, not feel afraid to talk to me, b/c it just feels right to talk about her.
Like some of the others, just be kind to yourself--pamper yourself. How you are grieving is normal. It's fresh, raw, very painful. You're right--that baby was a part of you, something real. I cannot imagine having to go through that. My heart goes out to you. ;(
Maybe it would help if you expressed your needs--that you need quiet time to think about Henry. You don't sound depressed to me--you sound heartbroken and terrbly sad, which is totally understandable. Maybe you could talk to someone--to get your needs met and just talk about the ordeal. Dh just automatically gives me time to be by myself, but at the same time he says he will always be there if I want to talk or be hugged.
Hi Mom to Henry,
You are most welcome here, we understand loss. My DIL lost our first grandchild at 6 & 1/2 months in utero. His name was Eli. We still remember him, and place flowers on his grave. My little girls know that they have an angel nephew.
I think I speak for most of us when I say that we try desparately to "get better soon." Then we realize that we don't have control over our healing. Time takes time. We must take time to grieve. There is a message board specifically for miscarriage support, should you want to post there also. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag?ice=ivl,searchmb
I am so sorry for your loss. You do not need to be happy for anyone. I think what your friends and family are trying to do is help you deal while you do need to do all the things that you do...work, laundry...etc. Others desire so strongly to help you make your pain go away and they automatically think that pills and counseling is the solution. Whether we like it or not we have to go back to work and we have to do the laundry and we have to face the sun every single day. How we accomplish this shows our resilience but we aren't alway going to be resilient. Be sad....have your quiet times and don't let anyone tell you differently. You have lost such a precious person and the recovery for this is monumental. I have friends who lost a daughter at 4 years old and they have never recovered and we just accept that these people are going to drink to get through life. Is that right? Who am I to say no. I have never lost a child came close to losing a niece but she recovered and lives a healthy life so I won't begin to give you or anyone advice about how to grieve your beloved son. What I can do is suggest the counseling. I think it's a good idea. Will it help? I don't know but it's something you can do for yourself and you can consider part of a quiet time that you desperately need.
Again I am sorry for your loss. Please be good to yourself and let what others suggest or say just slide off your back. Do what you need to do to get through the day.
Kiki
Yes I feel exactly like that every day. When you loose a loved one your life changes. Unfortunatly the rest of life doesn't stop and you're forced to go on. I always feel like I'm imposing when I talk about my greif or the person I lost.
Anyone who wants you to be "normal" needs to know that what you are feeling is normal. Counseling can help because it gives you someone to talk to who won't judge, but that is your decision. My best advice is take the time you need to grieve. If you can't get quiet time at home go someware else. I got massages it was quiet & I could think and it helped relieve some tension. I also went for long car rides.
You are not alone
Welcome, (((((Vladibunny))))).
I'm so very sorry for you loss, my heart goes out to you.