I Don't Know What to Do

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
I Don't Know What to Do
20
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:19pm
I just found this board today, I guess because I feel so alone and I don't want to be alone. My husband of ten years died 6 months ago after a sudden and very brief struggle with cancer. We have a son who just turned four. I feel as though I have been coping very well because I had to for Noah, and no one seems to question whether I am doing ok...nobody even talks about my husband any more, except for Noah and me...suddenly for the last few days I can't stop crying, I miss him so much. I look at pictures of him and I can almost feel what it would be like to see him again. I feel so alone. I don't think anyone wants to know how much I hurt. If he was still here, he would care and understand how I feel and he would comfort me. I don't know how to reach out to anyone even if I knew who to reach out to...my family wants me to move from my home in Tennessee to Indiana, and I feel as though short of that they don't want to know how bad it is because they are too far away to help. I don't want people to think I just want to be depressing and sit around talking about Bryan all the time, because nobody wants to be around that--they don't know what to say or how to deal with that, but I want to talk about him. Sometimes I say his name five or ten times a day just to hear his name, because no one talks about him. I'm just so sad. I want to know what I should do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:34pm

((((((Sweetheart)))))

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am very glad you found this board. The women here are loveing caring and so helpful and as it has been said, this is a soft place to land. You can vent, yell, scream and cry. Six months is a short period of time for loss, your feelings and emotions are raw and crying is ok, saying his name several time a day is ok. Your ok. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. If it helps why not try keeping a journal of your feelings and emotions and day to day happenings. Your local hospis could help you find a grief counselor. THe CLs here are very wonderful and helpful.

You go ahead and cry, I always say shedding tears make room for smiles and happy memories. You have to remember to take care of yourself first. Try to eat right, rest, drink lots of liquids. Making a big decision at this point, I don't know, you might want to talk to a grief counselor about that. How is your son doing? Lots of hugs and kisses go a long way.

I lost my sweet mom 2years ago and am doing alot better and alot of thanks go to this board and the ladies who have helped me.

You take care sweetie, and please keep posting so we know how you and your son are doing.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:29am

I am so sorry about your husband!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:56am

I guess I know I'm an emotional mess when even reading the kindness in your reply makes me cry like a baby...I must be going through some kind of stage, what I don't know, because this has hit me so hard in the last few days, and I thought I was doing so well...I have an appointment tomorrow with a grief counselor and I did start writing down even the painfully embarassing self-pitying thoughts I have been having, because I thought maybe I might be able to make sense of them...I guess this soft place is what I need because I felt so disconnected from everyone in my life, except for my son, and even sometimes I think I am failing him...

I am not moving, I just feel like that is the fix my family has to offer...short of bridging the literal distance between us, I don't think they can handle hearing about any pain I have...that is what hurts me, this feeling that because they can't fix it, they don't even want to hear about it.

Thank you for writing back to me..your note felt so loving and comforting in a way I have not experienced in a while...Thank you too for asknig about Noah...he does very well most of the time..he has begun to talk about Bryan more, which may be why I am feeling such intense emotions as of late...like it is always out there now, whereas for the first few months he (Noah) was fairly quiet about things...

I appreciate you so much...thank you for reaching out to me.
Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 10:46am

((((((Amy)))))

Your welcome sweetheart. Your little boy, Noah, sounds like a sweetie. Now that he has started to talk some about his dad, you could sit and go through pictures and tell him stories about him. Ask your counselor about that. It is wonderful that your seeing a counselor, I hope they can help you and Noah. Keep on writing in your journal and down the road some go back and read and see the difference. You are going to have bad days and that is ok. As far as the family goes, maybe they just don't know what to say and it is easier for them to ask about Noah instead. Do you have any contact with your dh's family?

I am so glad you found this board and I am so glad I could help, even if just a little. Please keep posting, we care about you and Noah.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:50am

My condolences for your loss. In regards to your mourning do what you need to do to get through it. No one really grieves the same and know that how you feel is completely normal. Have you thought of finding a grief support group that you can go to? Counseling might be helpful as well.

First and foremost please do not beat yourself up over how you are feeling. All of how you are feeling is normal and crying cleanses the soul. We are here to help you through the bad days.

Welcome to the board.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 12:51pm
Thank you so much for sharing with me...one of the hardest things for me is getting used to not being together...I can't imagine the feeling of loss after 24 years because 10 years seems like an eternity to me...I'm sorry that you are going through this too...I don't think anyone can understand this pain unless they have gone through it and maybe thats why hearing from you all has been good for me...I know you speak with experience, I know you KNOW what it feels like...I was starting to feel like no one did.
Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:34pm

I have to tell you it is a little bit easier after a year but not much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:29pm

Amy, dear, I am so sorry to learn about the death of your husband.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 5:50am

Amy I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband. I'm glad to hear that your going to Grief counselling. It is worth going. I went and occasionally still go and help me when I get upset.

Rochelle

Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:22am

Oh Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand about saying his name many times during the day ... I do the same thing. I lost my husband in December. I also talk to him quite a bit.

We had been together 10 yrs & divorced, had gotten back together in July 2005 and then remarried October 13th 2006. He was my love. He had been diagnosed with cancer but was doing well -- he died after a fall while shopping, he'd hit his head & died of a brain bleed. See, here I am talking about him, us, what happened. We all need to do this, it helps. Going to the counselor and coming here should give you the opportunity to do this since you don't have others you are able to do it with.

It gets worse before it gets better, as you're finding out. Most of us go through kind of a "numb" or I can believe it's true period there at first -- then when it slowly starts becoming so real we really feel the loss. Missing them & crying even more. And feeling very alone. It's like the pain of their loss causes us to need them even more...for they would be the very ones to understand & be able to comfort us.

I look at pictures a lot, at his things. While it usually ends up with me crying even more at first, in the end I find it gives me comfort. He has died but the love is still so strong. I Just need to be around & touch things that are his. To look at the pictures & see his face, remember what we were doing when the picture was taken.

After his death my family immediately started talking to me about moving; friends also. I know they mean well. Like you said, I think they just don't know what else to do but feel if you're near them everything will be better. But I have just told them that for right now I am home, my home, where I want to be. I know they feel if I am near them things will be better, but no matter where I am I am still going to be grieving his loss. And I feel comfort here in this house he fixed up for me before we remarried & where he put in all his gardens, where we spent happy times together.

As someone else said, and I don't think family realizes, moving is traumatic in itself. I'm sure Noah is comfortable being in his home after losing his daddy.

You take care of yourelf. It's hard but I have found going to therapy & to this board when I have felt so very low has helped me greatly. I'm still having the very difficult time but at least I have people who understand & let me know I'm ok.

Karen

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