You Don't Know Until You Know, My Dad
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| Thu, 03-01-2007 - 10:24pm |
Before I decided to post here, I read many of your stories of pain and loss. Prior to 11/26, I could never have imagined what it would feel like to lose someone you love. My loss was my Dad, who passed away within 6 months of being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Your stories are showing me that I am not alone, and people are so much stronger than they know, and get through the pain.
I still feel like it is surreal, a bad dream, telling people what happened. The day I turned 40, I called my Dad who was actually at work (he worked through all this) so he could with me happy birthday. He could no longer dial the phone. His assistant answered, and said oh honey, call your mom, it is about your Dad. He fell running to the bathroom, all the cancer meds made him sick, and he fell outside the bathroom, and broke his hip. He never came home.
We never got the chance to have any hospice or counseling, it all happened too fast. Watching this brilliant, independent man just disappear was horrific. I could not even have fathomed how awful the aftermath would be when he died. I remember one day I called him and he sounded so incoherent. I called his head doctor and pleaded with him that there was something they had to be able to do, to save him. I knew deep in my heart this was near the end.
I had a dream on a Sunday night, that my Dad argued with me about the time of his funeral. He didn't want the time of the funeral to be an inconvienence. This is so my Dad, so anal retentive, a total perfectionist, but never wanting to put anyone else out. He was just the man everyone went to, for everything. I also called him everyday since my DS was born to share with him the days events. He showed a side with my son I never saw, and it brought me tremedous joy to see them bond. They revolved around each other.
So, the next day I got up, packed a suitcase, and went to work. Just a gut feeling. At 6:00 that night, my mom called and said come out. It was a two hour drive.
I got there, and nothing in the world could have prepared me for what I walked into. He was gasping for air, suffocating. He crashed. He passed away holding my hand. My mom said he hadn't slept in 48 hours, and I said he is finally sleeping. I didn't get that he just took his last breathe.
We sat shiva, and I went back to work immediately. I thought I was fine. I thought work and a normal routine was what I needed. I had no clue. Little by little, I started to crumble. I became weepier, forgetful, short with people, and completely disengaged in my work. Withdrawn from all my friends. I couldn't fall asleep at night because all I saw was this mangled looking man gasping for air. I eventually took a leave of absence for a month. I am in week 3 of the leave. This has been utter hell.
My mom is an amazing lady. She found a support group and is putting one foot in front of the other. They were two people that were just meant to be together, all my stability came from them, my parents, together. My mom and I are super close and her pain is a lot to deal with for me too. My brother is a mess.
So I guess my point is, I have learned the past few weeks, it is ok to simply not be ok. To stop trying to be ok, because that is exhausting and causes more pain and stress. Losing a loved one is simply not ok. And I am learning to make space for the pain, because it is an experience that will always be a part of me. One day, I imagine, it won't be this hard.
Has anyone gone to bereavement support groups? I have been in individual counseling, but I would like to attend a group and be with others who understand this whole experience.
My heartfelt sympathy to all of you on this board going through a tough time.
Karen

(((((Karen)))))
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have to say what a wonderful family you all are. You are so very lucky to have all that is around you. In return it has made you a well rounded lady. A lady who is as normal as the day is right.
I have not been in group counseling, but from what others have said it is very beneficial and helpful. I would try contacting your hospice and they may be able to help you.
My dad has been told he has lung cancer, we don't know the stage or anything yet. We have another appointment for x-rays to see how much it has grown. According to the dr's when he had a chest x-ray done in Nov. and was treated for pnenomia and then another done 1 1/2 months later it had grown alot. So we shall see.
Sweetie you will be ok, I still cry about my mom who passed 2 years ago, but not as much and now there are more smile. I always say tears make room for smiles and happy memories. Try journaling, that helps along with maybe a letter to your dad. Say all the things you want, take as long as you want and make it as long as you want.
Dad's are special.
You take care sweetie and please post anytime.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo
BRILLIANT POST!!! Welcome to the special club that we refer as the "Dead Dads Club". I know sounds harsh but that's the truth. My father passed in 1994 and much like yours he was a strong man who fell fast. I cried reading your post. All so familiar and the pain parallel to mine even now. Life will never be the same and as part of this club you will find over the rest of your life that you will hold another's hand when they experience the same pain as you are now. You will tell them that the pain doesn't subside but you do get use to it. Not good enough but we don't have a choice. It is what it is.......
Kudos to your attitude!!! You understand that it's okay to feel this way and we have to make this a priority especially when it consumes our normal daily functions. We have a responsibility to ourselves and our families to walk through the pain BUT we have to nurture ourselves through the rough patches.
I promise you will always remember how he looked when you last saw him but it will be only a small part of the memories. I PROMISE YOU!! Your son will know him in pictures and all of the great things you will tell him. My nieces and nephew were 10, 12 & 15 when my father passed and they all have pictures of him up in their bedrooms now that they are 22, 25 & 28. They have never forgotten him and hold him dear in their hearts. (I added that because I know you fear that about your son and his Grandpa).
I hope this helps. I went into counseling after an illness in 2001 and it helped me learn about the loss process. I have not been in a support group but I would highly recommend it. My Mother never did any of those things and I know she would still benefit from it now as she lives a shell of life without her beautiful husband.
Kiki