don't want to let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
don't want to let go
7
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 9:33am

I haven't posted in a while, but find that i now need somewhere that i can talk and get some support. My mom passed away in Ocotber 2006 after a short battle with cancer and major surgery to remove a cancerous kidney and very large ovarian cyst.

since she has past i have been doing ok. Taking care of myself and my family. I have bad days and good ones. Lately though i feel anxious. We are goin to bury my mom on mother's day weekend. She was cremated and she wanted to be buried with her parents. We are going to carry out her wishes. I am dreading the finality of going to the burial. Her remains are here with me and have been since the fall, and now i'm not sure that i can take her that far away and leave her there. Is it wrong that i want to keep her here with me? I know it isn't her, but just the thought of not having her present i tearing me apart.

I keep thinking that there is something wrong me. I think i may be going through a bit of a depression though i am not sure if it is because of losing my mom or if it's maybe post partem, or the fact that i'm turning 30 the day before we are to bury my mom. I have an appointmetn to see my doctor next week to get some help with all this.

thank you all for listening, you have all been very helpful in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:52am

If its any bit helpful to you I also felt the same way you did.

Melissaphoto

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:11pm

I could have basically written your exact post.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:11pm

I just wanted to let you know that I have had similar feelings about my mother's ashes. My mum died April 2, 2005. She didn't leave me with specific wishes; only to bring her to a place where I would find peace. It has taken me two years to come to terms with that notion and I am still not completely comfortable. The only way I am going to find total peace is to have her back! And I know that is not going to happen. I've decided (after some wonderful responses on this board) that I want to keep some ashes with me. This summer I will travel to England with my DH and DD and we will have her ashes scattered in a rose garden at a cemetery on her birthday. I know I will have a very hard time with this but I hope I will feel more closure eventually...and more peace also knowing that I have kept a teeny 'bit' of her with me.

(By the way, I would be totally comfortable choosing to keep the ashes right here at home with me but other family members have other feelings. It's tough to debate. In my heart, I feel I must do what my mum would do...and she would find a special place...so hopefully I have found the right place, one that mum would abe happy about.)

Wishing you peace as you go through this most difficult time.
Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:38pm

After reading all of your responses, I realize how incredibly difficult it must be to make these decisions ...

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 7:58am

Karyn, I'm glad you posted. I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone. I think that knowing that that is where she wanted to be will make it easier. I've not told my brother how I'm feeling because, well he isn't dealing with her passing at all. He is keeping himself so busy that he doesn'T have to. I've tried to tell him that her interment will be much harder then we both realize,but he just tells me that he's fine with it and just wants it done so that her siblings will get closure.

I'm sure if you talk with your sister about it you will find that she may be feeling the same way. i am sure that on some level my brother feels the same but because he is guy he will not talk about it.

Take care, I will be thinking of you mother's day weekend.

carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:09am

Kate, Like you I am comfortable with keeping Mom here with me, but family members feel it is selfish on my part to keep them. I know that if i keep her here she will come back to haunt me for not following through with her wishes. As for keeping part of her with me, I am conflicted. If i keep part of her, I will feel better, but i know that that is something that my Mom would not agree with. She would want all of her to be burried, and to be put to rest. I think i will have to do a lot relflection and prayer before making a final decision on this.

I hope that you will get some closure after your trip this summer. I'm sure your mum would love the location you have chosen.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:15am

Barb, Thanks for the link. I did find some of the information usefull. I also found it a little unsettling as my perseption of what happens durring cremation is nothing like what was described. I will be seeing my hypnotherapist next week, and i will discuss with her everythign that i am feeling and will possibly look in to going to see a greif counselor.

Thanks again for the support. I always feel better after posting and getting support from people who understand exactly what i'm feeling.

Carole