Losses come in so many packages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Losses come in so many packages
15
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:41am

I work as a Fraud Investigator for a large National Bank. I have been working in Banking all of my adult life and I took this job in 2001 right before I got sick. They have been phenomenal in so many ways since I have limited mobility and get tired real easily. I was informed on Monday that the department I work in (which I love) is moving to another floor. There is 300 plus people and we have ran out of room. I have worked with all these people for 6 years and now my little department is moving on up.....I am heartbroken. We are still part of the overall department on the 2nd floor BUT we will doing our work on the 6th floor. I am a single woman who thrives on the social aspect of working which is why I work hard to get to work everyday instead of living on disability and staying home.

The hardest part about leaving is a special friend that I have here on the 2nd floor. He is a tall gorgeous drink of water that on December 23, 2005 we started "chatting" after 4 1/2 years of really not knowing him and having a huge crush on him. We have gotten so close and yes I have fallen in love with this man. He has a ton of baggage from a divorce 8-9 years ago and he is so scared of getting hurt so we have moved very slowly. We finally had "the talk" 2 weeks ago and got things out in the open about how we feel and he still needs time even though he cares about me. Sometimes I think he would be fine to just let it all go so he doesn't have to be burdened with how it all makes him feel. We talk about it all and I know he is trying BUT it is so difficult for him. He sits in my line fire and I can see his every move. When he shows up in the morning I get excited and count down the seconds till I get to see him and NOW I am not going to be able to see him and I have no clue how this is going to affect "us". I have cried so many tears over this and I know that sometimes it's best to just let him go until he figures it out and if he comes to me he does and if he doesn't then I have already moved on of sorts. I am so scared...............

Please don't misunderstand me because everyone here knows that there is so much more important things than this in the scheme of life but I am really hurting and you all are so amazing here and I am hoping you can offer some ideas or support to really help me through this. I am hoping that when I show up tomorrow morning to my new floor that not having him there will be a burden lifted because I am somewhat consumed with him at times.

Again losses come in so many different packages and this loss is going to be quite painful. I know I will get over it but the feeling of loss right now is making my life miserable. I am so empty...........

Kiki

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:42pm

Kiki, I am glad you shared this with us.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:11pm

Kiki, how are things going for you?

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AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:18pm

Thanks for asking!! I am really struggling with it...I love my new workplace...I actually get to watch the sunrise every morning from my office window. (I get to work at 6:00 a.m. when it's still dark and my window faces the East....very spirtual). I am trying to keep things in perspective because I know...especially on this board....that my current loss is minimal in comparison to everyone else's so I don't want to insult anyone with my issue.

My friend called me Saturday night and we talked and played online Dominoes for about 3 hours. During the time we play he sings his favorite songs to me....sometimes it's a bit distracting and we are quite competitive so it messes me up a few times...(maybe his strategy) but I would much rather listen to him sing his heart out then win...(I guess I am not so competitive). I haven't been face to face with him since Thursday and I can't begin to tell you how much I miss him. He works the late shift and lives in the town we work in and I commute 40 minutes to work. My shift ends at 2:30 and his 6:15 so we aren't able to meet up very often. It didn't matter as much when we could see each other every day and with that gone...I am scared how this is all going to work. Part of me says because he hasn't stepped too far into it with me that it would be real easy for him to let it all go...outta sight outta mind.....but at the same time I think he's more invested in it all to really make that decision. I think it scares him either way. I have decided to lay low for a while and see how responds. My heart aches for him and I am quite miserable most of the time. But I show a good face every day and can only hope and pray that he comes around so I can spend some good quality time with him. Our biggest problem is he has a hard time spending time with me as "friends" because he doesn't view me that way...(the sex part gets in the way) NO WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX AT ALL....But he isn't able to be friends because he can't keep the friendship and his strong feelings separate.

Thanks again for asking. I am lost and I hope that it gets easier. AND I REALLY HOPE THAT HE MANS UP AND COMES TO ME WITH OPEN ARMS....

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:44pm

I used to have a "friend" with whom I played double solitaire online when I got off work at 11 p.m., so I understand.


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AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:30pm

Thanks for the support. I am taking one day at a time.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:13pm

((((((Kiki)))))

As for this gentlemen, sweetheart, I can relate to what he is going through and how he is feeling, as I have been there done that. I was in a terrible marriage for over 20 years. I was mentally abuseed, as he was a pathalogical lier, and a cheat and more. After I finally threw him out, I swore that I would never get involved with any one again. After a while I met this wonderful , honest, caring, loving, supportive man who was sent to me from heaven, who is now my loving husband of 16 years. But.......Kiki, he had alot of patience with me as it took me a very long time to trust him,& to believe in him. Even , when it came to making love, he was sooooooooooooooooo patient, as I would back away constantly as I was afraid to get really close to him as I didn't want to get hurt again. I promised myself that I wasn't and I had a wall up infront of me. So I could understand exactly what he is feeling,and his fears.

Remember, Kiki this is not about you, this is all about him, and what he went through and what he is going through now. If you love him as you say you do, give him time, don't push, have some patience, as this may all pay off at the end.

I have such a healthy and loving marriage and mentally and physcically could not be happier and why???? because I have a man who truly loved me and had the patience to wait for me to be more secure and until I felt save in our relationship.

So, I am going to wish you good luck with this, think postive, be strong, and sweetie give him some time, he will come around, and if it is meant to be it will be.

My thoughts are with you.
((((hugs)))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:46pm

Thank you for your response. I have a few questions though.

1. How many times did you want to give up and just let him go???
2. What made you go back to him after you pulled away?
3. I know you are glad you stuck with it but what exactly kept you with him through all your fears?

The reason for these questions is I think I am doing the right things. I see such marvelous changes in him....and I know he wants to step into it. BUT..my insecurity tells me that it would be just as easy to let me go and forget me, especially since we now aren't seeing each other daily, and just move along to the old life he had.

I never push him...EVER. He has no idea that I am struggling and it is all about him. Most of my family and friends said a long time ago that if he didn't come around the first few months to just give up on him but I know what he and I discussed the first night we talked and again a few weeks ago. I see how he looks at me and I see the difference in him. I am also afraid that I will bring him out and then he will fall in love with someone else. He knows none of these insecurities that I have.

With the change of workplaces I have been normal with him. I send him whacky text messages and he just smiles at me.....and I IM him (we have an internal IM system) and he makes me laugh back. I don't IM him constantly and I know that with the funk right now I could every easily smother the man and he will slip away. I pace myself and have been so lonely without him. But he won't know this.....

I had a dream last night that we were somewhere with a group of people and he asked me to meet him somewhere to do something together and he leaned down (he is quite tall) and kissed me. This has only made things more emotional for me. Can't even escape him in my sleep.

I would appreciate telling me more what he did that made you keep in touch with him through your fears. I think I have done all those things and I know that each situation is different but I think it will help with my insecurities and fears.

I love him like crazy and would do anything for him even let him go if that's what he need from me.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:39pm

((((((Kiki))))))

To answer your questions, no.1 I never wanted to give him up and let him go as I felt from the start that he was different from my x husband.He was honest about himslef and his life, he was caring, and understanding and supportive, and patient. But....even though I felt all of those things in him, I knew that it was going to take time for me to get rid of the wall that was infront of me.

No.2, we were always together, it was I that pulled back when it came to our physcial reltionship and it was him that stood by me.From the beginning we were both very opened with each other about our lives and how we felt. So he knew the reasons I felt insecure, the reasons I pulled away when he wanted to get close to me,he knew all about my fears, and my anxieties. What he said to me was that I was worth waiting for, and that he would give me all the time in the world that I needed. He also said, that even though the physical part in a relationship is important, it wasn't all that important. He wanted to be with me the women, who he found to be the women for him.

So it was all about patience, loving me from his heart, etc. And....if he couldn't wait for me to let my guard down, then I would of understood and let him go, and so be it. I would of gone on with my life and as I would of realized that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be.

If you bring him out as you say, and he falls in love with some one else, I know it is going to hurt, but on the same token, you will know that it was not meant for you to be with him and better to know now then later on in a relationship.

What kept me having that relationship with him was "HIM", his honesty,his openess, his love for me from his heart that I felt, and it was him that wouldn't give up on me, and I was so happy that he didn't as I , as much as I was afraid to get into another relationship, I didn;t want to loose him. I wanted to give my all and I knew it would just take time, and I prayed that he would wait for me and give me the time I needed to heal from such a bad relationship.

You know, Kiki, one of the most important things in a relationship is "communication." Perhaps you should talk with him again and let him know how you feel and maybe he will be honest enough with you to let you know how he feels and see where this may or may not take you.

((((((Hugs)))))) I know that this is not easy for you, and I surely do understand, though I was on the other end of the table. I could just tell you that when you have a very unhappy and difficult relationship, it is very hard for some people to get back into another one. It takes time,patience, and understanding.

Good luck!!!!
Love, Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 9:25am

Thank you Miriam. It sounds like you were together and that is a bit different than my situation, although, it always feels like we are "together" that I am his go-to person but technically we aren't. I know it sounds odd....each time I panic he does something to remind me that he "needs" me as much as he can at this point. As far as talking to him again we talked a few short weeks ago and we hashed it all out. He knows I care for him and he admitted he cared about me but he isn't ready at this time. He has admitted that spending time together as "friends" has become difficult because he can't keep sex/friendship separate and he doesn't want to lead me on. So basically he is afraid of spending any time with me because he knows that he would NOT be able to protect himself from what might happen.

I was always content and patient knowing I got to see him everyday at work. He put more effort out at work (because it's safe) and did cute little things during the day. He visited my area often and always found the opportunity to connect with me. He mentioned to me when we hashed it all out that he wants me to come to his home (which I have never done) and he would work on that. Of course, I would never ask him or pressure him to do so. I do believe that if we spent some time alone at his house that he would be comfortable to be open and honest about how he feels. He admits it comes down to trust and he knows me enough by now to know that I am not someone who would do anything to hurt him. He is VERY concerned that I will get hurt in all of this...and at the same time he talks about how his emotions are dead....how dead can they be if he cares soooo much about my getting hurt. We have had disagreements over the course of the past 16 months and he is always real good about smoothing things over so we don't have those issues between us.

Thanks again.....I know in my heart that my workplace change is a blessing in disguise that I need to focus on more important things than him each day and this is the perfect opportunity for him to man up or move on. He has to figure out if he wants me to drift away or if he is ready to fight for "us". I know I will get use to all of this eventually and I woke up this morning so distraught that I have decided that I can't let him be the focus of my life anymore....I have weight to lose and my health suffers from a spinal fusion in 2001 and I have to take the best care of me I can and I can't worry about him anymore. It really is a shame because he's an amazing person...handsome...funny as heck...and sexy as hell.

Thanks!!

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 10:22am

Kiki, hon,

At least he is being honest with you about how he feels, that is very important. I personally feel that before you can become a couple, you must become good friends first. That is how I see it. My husband and I became best friends before we became husband and wife.

He sounds like me in a way, where I had a proctective wall in front of me aswell. Being in public, whether it is at work or at a resturant is a safe place for him. Would you feel comfortable enough to go to his home if he asked you to? I know that you love this man, your description of him sounds like he is very nice, but....we all have choices to make in our lives, we don't have to except what life throws at us, as we have the power to change our lives for the better, therefore my suggestion to you is that you must make a choice which will be benifical to you without you getting hurt. I have a saying which is, sometimes you have to think with your "HEAD and not with your "HEART."

I am very pleased to hear that you are on the right path when you say that you come first. 100%, you must take care of yourself physcially and mentally. Things will work out for you, just give yourself time and patience, be strong and know what you must or must not do.

(((((hugs))))) Miriam

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