Very lost
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| Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:33am |
Lost Mom on March 24 after being in the hospital for 5 weeks and on a ventilator for 5 days.
I am also feeling so confused. Mom was 63 I expected her to go to rehab and then home.
I am trying to help Dad. I work at this time 2 hours from home and have an apartment there. On my days off I am planning on driving home.
I have a younger brother who lives at home but has issues that Mom's death are making so much worse.
they were married for 45+ years. They would watch each others TV showes when one was not at home. Dad loves Little House on the Prarie. Mom is indiffrent with it. When Dad is out of town (or when she was in the hospital) she would have that show on.
It broke my heart to have Dad shaking in my arms and holding me tight when she died.
I am crying at the drop of a hat now. Driving, lying in bed or like last night I was at work and the tears just rolled down my face.
Is this normal. or am I going nuts? My heart feels so sad.
I am in health care. I have taken care of many Comfort care patients. I was sorta a coward because I just burried my head in Dads back and listened to her breath.
Up until she went into the hospital Mom and I would talk on the phone at least once a day if not 3 or 4 times a day. I now don't have her tell that I am sad or that my job contract
was terminated 3 weeks early because I visited her in the hospital. With Multiple supervisors approval to go. I started a new job the same day she was intubated and placed on the ventilator. I had worked 20 hours in my first 2 weeks. This hospital was supportive at this new place at least.
I guess I should not be bitter I did have 2 of the last 3 weeks of her life to sit at her bedside and keep her company.
I am just feeling lost, sad, and lonely.
On her guest book web posting I wrote, "My soul is happpy that Mom has found her final sleep, but my heart is crying for my Momma".
And it is still.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
God bless you!
I know what you mean about being away. I lived at home until I left for college at 21. I stayed in Dayton, Ohio after graduation because I found a job there. and there were not many at home.
I was in Ohio for 13+ years. I eventually realised I hated where I worked, not what I did. My friends have developed thier own lives with spouses and children. It was time for a change. My solution is to become a Traveling Respiratory Therapist.
I work under a contract for usually 13 weeks with extentions. Longest I have been at the same hospital is 8 months.
Just think No politics. I can't change anything, I don't work for the hospital... I don't have to care if someone is not pulling thier fair share.
If they are really not fair in the work load, I leave. I do not extend my contract.
Up side was I got to work at hospitals around home for 3 months and was able to leave and go somewhere else for for a while.
Eventually being that close to my Parents bothered me less. They saw me for an 35+ year old adult, not just the barey 20 something that had lived at home.
I also saw that that there is alot more to relationships with parents than what had been. like respect for thier life and choices. (it has to go both ways)
The last year and a half I had not been working in NY. I had been in Mass., California, and New Hampshire. But New hampshire was the closest I could get at the time. 5 hours was still to far away for frequent visits.
Mom had changed. She stopped pushing for me to find work closer to home. Just wished I was closer.
Mom and Dad were able to visit me in New Hampshire in September of 2006. In someways Dad and I were a little impatient with her not wanting to do to much. Just sitting in the car while we went looking at the beaches and wandering the lighthouses in Maine.
that was really the last time she left the house for more than a doctors appointment.
You see Ma never told any one of us including Dad that she had heart failure.
We new she was diabetic. Had edema, We all thought she had staisis edema, (from not moving). Once and a while I would clue in to what was going on but she would a) lie to me about what the Doctor would say. b) get very angry with me for putting my nose in her business.
She was dying of Congested Heart Failure and we did not know. We guessed she would not have a long life, but if she would just take better care of herself and her diabeties, she would be much healther.
My older brother is a Physician Assistant in Florida. He was arranging and researching a rehab facility for her. (she lied to him too, and denied her Dr from talking to us.)
She spent the last 5 weeks of her life in the hospital. My contract ended early when I had made a weekend run home when she had gone comatose after a stroke after admission.
So I spent 2 weeks with her 6 to 8 hours a day. Making her eat, do her physical therapy and forcing her to do things that hurt, because I thought she was going to be coming home.
I bullied her to do stuff that she did not want to do like she was a patient.
I had no idea she was dying. I would have spent the night in the hospital. she hated to be alone. and Night time made her feel more vulnerable.
Dad would come at 4pm after work and I would go home ( I live with them when I am not on assignment) and fix dinner for him.
I found a job, actually I interviewed for it the Friday before she was admitted, In NY. 2 hours away. I just had not planned to start it until the end of March. When my contract was discontinued the Agency I work for not only paid out my contract, because the New Hampshire hospital was wrong in the way they ended the contract, but pushed up my start date. Unfortunatly Mom was moved to ICU and Intubated the same day I started my new job.
That week I had 19 hours of orientation and then we decided to remove life support.
I will be forever grateful for this hospital. They are truly wonderful people, who believe that if you give to your patients and staff you will get it back. What most people not in the medical field think happens. Give to patients yes. Staff. no they get used and pushed and most corporations are more compationate than hospitals.
I really did not try hard to find a job in NY most of the time. I would regret the time I was home sometimes. I would have prefered to be on a real vacation on my own time. Not helping out at home with the yard work or home repairs that Dad could not do on his Own, Painting, gardening, fixing the siding. You know the stuffthat is too much for one to do on thier own.
I was a B@#%h some times.
I don't know if I am "bouncing back" I am just taking it one day at a time. Crying, laughing and sometimes/most of the time somewhere in between.
As for your brother, I hope he has bounced back. I bet it is like my brother in Florida. He can ignore and decieve himself easier than I can. to him I think he has not dealt with it. He just picked up his old life and ignored that she is gone. I hope he will be able to see the other side when reality hits. I bet he will have it much harder than you.
The one thing I do know is grief is never the same for everyone. I have seen people cry, scream, faint, wail, laugh, sit quietly and punch the wall.
the people who ignore well they are the ones having major issues years later.
The Only thing I can do for Big Brother is call, and bug him, or get his wife to bug him.
Let him know he is not alone.
I am finding this site and the people like you so helpful. Thank you.
my mom was also diabetic. she was also bi-polar. On her death certificate it says heart failure, congestive heart disease for 2 years. She actually worked at a mental health facility and they are who found her. They had a memorial for her and after leaving my DD asked what they did there. I explained that people that had been sick are getting help going back to work, my dd says you mean like cancer, and my brother says, grammy had cancer. Im like WTF! I have not asked him about this. Thanksgiving day he called here to talk to my mom and she took the phone into her room and talked for a really long time. I had not thought anything of it at the time but now.... He lived with us for about a month and a half after mom died. He moved from texas to New Mesico. Ithink he wanted to make sure I was ok. He always had his life and I was the one who had 5 kids and was taking care of mom after surgeries, doc appointments, she volunteered at a homeless shelter, I helped cook for for her to take there etc.. But she always talked about him. After she passed I read her journal and found out how much she loved me. She was indeed my best friend after she was diagnosed. Before hand she was very abusive and judgmental. SO I think in a way that was their last farewells so to speak. Maybe she thought he could handle it and I couldnt. Her journal said I dont understand why I am still here, I think she held on till she knew that both of her kids were going to be ok.
I am a home child care provider and the parents, were wonderful. Except for one. They showed up and said, wow dude sorry about your mom but heres our kid. I shut the door in their face. But the other parents offered money and everythign else so I could go take care of stuff. I didnt need it at the time, but the thought was overwelming. You really know who values you during this time.
I think my brother, like I said wanted to make sure I would be ok, and he is grieving in his own way. He got my moms car and a week after he moved back to texas he went out to go to work, the car had been stolen. They found it stripped. It hit him hard because it was moms jeep. I have to say,, even though we used ot fight all the time, we did not argue about a single thing of moms, nor when he was living here with me. The only time we disagreed was when I kept stuff of moms to send to her sisters. He didnt understand as they had never kept in touch. But most families fight and all, we pooled our strangth and got through it together. The worst week in my life was packing up moms house and know that I will never smell her (perfume and cigarette smoke) again. I have her jacket in storage that I will not wash. One day when Im ready I plan to have it cleaned and wear it. But, for now, I can go and basically feel her there with me.
Why do people hide things like thier health?
I mean I know Mom was in denial. When she had her first stroke it was at home and we could not talk her into going to the hospital.
If the stroke is a clot, treated in 3 hours of occurance you may have compleate recovery. But you only have 3 hours at the most, from onset of injury. not from arrival to the hospital, The first sign of a stroke.
She would not go arguing that she did not have a problem. By Tuesday Dad my little brother and sister could not move her to clean her up. Dad broke down and cried she told me later, and said you had a stroke and I can't take care of you any more.
Dad told me she said "Don't say it. If you say it, It's true."
Denial.
12 years of Denial. The strokes (3 in 6 weeks) were the symptoms not the problem.
I miss her. She had bought my birthday present a month early and kept telling me that she could not afford much but wanted to give me something to show me how much she and dad appreciated how much I have done for them. ( "living with them" was a way to help them out when mom could not work any more by contributing to the house hold expeses. and the other stuff that I would do in between assignments.)
I opened mybirthday present that first week of her hospital stay. (only 3 days early)
I don't think knowing of her illness would have changed much.but at the end Yes it would have changed what was done. I also would have stayed the night at the hospital.
I regret that the most. Her being alone at night.
my dh took my mom home, usually I would but I was sick and sitting in a car for 7 hours was not something Icould do. I had finally got mom to agree to letting me move her closer so I could help her more. But the more that I look back, now that my mind has cleared a little, I think she knew.
How is your father holding up? Have you gone back to work? My ex BIL is a respitory therapist in Ft. Worth Texas.
I went back to work lets see, Mom died on the 3/24, I went back April 2.
I am so grateful to this hospital. Not only to the director for being understanding but the whole staff, when I talk to them I sorta have to explain the gap in starting then being gone for over a week. For the most part I don't say Mom died, but depending on the conversation it may be brought up.
Everyone has responded with caring and warmth. They don't make me feel like I am obsessing about it, like I am too overly focused on her passing.
I really can't take my friends that when I talk to them they end up crying for me. I know it is for me. but just don't. A friend that lost her mom 2 years ago understands that I can't cry all the time, I can't listen to someone else crying
I am trying to keep the rest of us (nephew, sister 2 brothers and father) going, I just need to vent with out the sympathy sometimes.
My dad wrote this on her guest book to her web obituary yesterday:
To my love, my best friend and my wife. My heart is breaking and empty without you. I will miss you forever and no one can replace you. You have been in pain and suffering most of our married lives and the only thing that comforts me is knowing that you are finally out of pain. I look forward to meeting you in heaven where nothing can seperate us. I'll always love you. Rest in peace my love. Your husband.
to see them you knew they had the relationship everyone wants. To read what Dad feels breaks my heart as it comforts.
So many times when I worked ICU, you would see so many types of relationships the guilt showed by someone who was not there in normal life, The coldness of someone critical ill that had been abusive to every and all in their life. To the love filled relationships, parents, spouse, sibling, friends.
I still was so unprepared for death in my life. Like you said Your Mom knew. So did mine.
I just wish I had. I know I could not have changed much. but I would have told her more how much she meant to me.
My clinical side knows I could have not changed much if anything. My heart still wished it could have.
I have done nothing but cry this afternoon. first with Dad on the phone telling him the same thing, We would have changed very little, she knew that we loved her. but I still need convincing of it too. Now I am having tears stroll down my face as I write.
I will be in good shape to go to work tonight.
but getting out my thoughts and feelings like this is helping.
I have a journal, but have not touched it. I guess I need the feedback as well as the venting of emotions.
Ok I am going to smile. take a shower eat, Meet the day (well night) with a lighter heart...... I will convince my self of that by 6:45, I am sure of that
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.
God bless!
Celeste
How true!
good morning..hugzzz
I hope you got through the night at work ok.
It was very somber around here when I went back to work, I do home day care and my kdis were here when I got the call about my mom. that was on a wednesday, I was back to caring for kids on monday. so I really didnt have time to grieve. My parents, most of them were wonderful and my kids were very good. they had met my mom and knew about death so it was hard on them as well. It was strange to see them sad about it.
We can only take it day by day.... with a lot of tissues between now and then
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