How to comfort a friend who lost his son

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
How to comfort a friend who lost his son
29
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:16pm
An old friend who I worked with several years ago lost his son in an avalanche about six weeks ago. He and I were extremely close and although he was in an unappy marriage, we never dated, but had he not been married while we working together we probably would have been a couple. I left the company eight years ago and at the time we had had a disagreement. I hadn't spoken to him since until his son died and I contacted him and did a portrait of his son as a gift. He was very touched and emailed me how much he appreciated it. I got the feeling that all is forgiven as far as our disagreement but he still hasn't allowed me to see him in person. He is now divorced and does not have a very good support system and from what I've heard he's having a really tough time. I have expressed that I am there for him if he needs me. I have come to realize that I still have deep feelings for this man and I just want to help him. Can anyone help shed some light on whether this withdrawal is normal during grief and is there anything I should be doing besides letting him know I care?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 12:07am
I don't know if you have ever lost a child or not, but that is the worst pain ever. Even worst than losing your parent's. Because you are to some day out live your parent's, but not your child. I can relate to this man's pain. Because I too have lost a son. My son was twenty-two years old, when he drowned in June 2002. I don't have my parent's or grandparent's on either side. Kevin was my only son, and my first born. When you lose a child you lose a part of not only your heart but your soul and who you are. Give this man time, he has lost the most important thing in his life. Right now it is hard to do the every day things, let alone renew an old friendship, like the one you may have had before. You can just be very thoughtful without being pushy. Sending caring cards is nice, I know I really enjoyed recieveing thoughtful cards. You may even want to send some reading matieral on grief. It sounds like you have already given him a special gift to cherish. I think "TIME" is what he needs right now. Even that is not the word I wanted to hear, because I said there was no about of time that would heal my broken heart.
You know also remembering special dates is very important for the future. Like the day his son past away. There are some really nice cards out there for just those kind of things. I know because I send them out to other mothers and fathers all the time. Give him the time he needs to heal and let God do the rest, if you are meant to be together then it will happen. Good luck and I will keep your friend in my prayer's. There is a special group(nation-wide) that is for parent's who have lost a child, you could send in his name and address so that he could recieve the monthly newsletter. It has really good information in it that could help him. I attend the meetings every month which he would also be able if he wish's too. But you do not have to go to the meeting's to recieve the newsletter. I am sending you this information and you can find the nearest chapter to him. Just call and ask for the newsletter to be sent to this address and they will for as long as he wishes. It doesn't cost anything to recieve it either, the phone number is toll free, 877-969-0010, I'm not sure what state you are in but that is free and they can help you from there, it really does help.
Just keep caring, don't give up... ~Deborah~
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:52am

Deborah,

Thank you so very much for your response. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your dear son. I will keep you in my prayers as well. Brian's death affected me in a place so deep that I didn't even know existed. It hit me so hard and no one around me, including myself, could understand why I was as devastated as I was. I realized that for six years I loved this man and considered him to be one of my dearest friends and I knew Brian as a small child. After the argument and my leaving the company, eight years passed and although I pushed my feelings down deep inside, knowing how much pain he's in just made all the past upset dissapear and all I want to do is help him. He had taken his two boys skiing to Utah for winter break and in a heartbeat his son gets buried in an avalanche. For almost three hours they searched for him and when they found him he had died of massive head injuries. I can't even imagine what this man went through on that mountain and what he coninues to go through. I am sure he is reliving that day over and over and the guilt must be terrible. The reason I gave him the portrait is because I had done a portrait of both his boys when they were little and he told me that was the greatest gift he had ever received. I wanted to give him a piece of my heart which my art really is. I wrote him a letter telling him how Brian's death has affected me so deeply and that I am there for him, and although he responded briefly thanking me for my kind words and Brian's portrait I can't seem to reach him. I have done a lot of reading on losing a child to try to understand what he's going through and I continue to leave him small messages of hope on his son's memorial website. I don't even know that he's reading them because he doesn't respond, but I feel suspect he has gotten them, and in some small way it's comforting him. My family and friends tell me it's been over a month now and to just let it go and forget about trying to reach him, but I truly feel in my heart that he needs me even though he doesn't tell me in words.

I definitely will get that newsletter for him. I can't thank you enough for listening and responding. I've been feeling so helpless and conflicted as to what path to follow but I told him I'm committed to being there for him today, tomorrow, next month or next year. I know he'll never get over losing Brian but I hope I can be one bright spot in this darkness. Thank you for the prayers.

Celeste

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 1:18pm
Celeste, for some odd reason I feel I have made a connection with you thru Brian's loss. I can feel the caring in your heart for him. I feel that even thou you have not heard from him, he is still getting the messages, they do make a diffrence. It's when all the cards and letter's stop that you will feel all alone, as thou no one cares any more about the loss you have lost.Remember that he still has another son he must care for, piossibly a job. All these things drain on your strenght. Just getting up every day is such a chore. I can hear the love that you feel for this man and I feel you will be able to help him.But if it has only been a month, then he is still in shock of what has happened, he can't even process it as being real.Brian I am sure feels if only he had not taken the boys or if he had been closer to his son he could have done something to save his son. He will always play this game in his head, the" what if's" for along time to come. I know it has been almost five years for me and I still wonder why my son instead of the other guy in the river. The other guy has done nothing good with his life, where Kevin was working to help the elderly. We always ask "WHY", and that it isn't fair. You sound like a very caring person don't give up, Brian will respond in time. He may not know what to say pass the normal "hello and Thank you's". When he has had some time to process the pain and he starts back to work, I feel he will call you, especially to say thank you for being so kind, that will be the door to open to the rest of your life. Please stay in touch I would really like to know how things go for you and Brian, but mainly how Brian is doing with his grief.May God bless you for your kindness.......~Deborah~
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 5:27pm

(((((Celeste))))), what a wonderful gift you have given this man!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:52pm

(((((celestial))))

I think that the portrait you made of his son was very nice and extrememly thoughtful of you. Men often grieve very differently than women do.He is definitly going through his greiving process which is very normal. Perhaps he can seek some councelling that will help him through this difficult time.

I feel that you have already mentioned to him that you are there for him, so he knows if he needs you , where to find you.
Know that you will find many supportive and caring women here on this board. So when you need to vent or just a soft place to fall, we are all here for you.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:28pm

I agree with everything Deborah said. I wanted to add that in my situation I feel better when people talk about my son. I find that the people who never mention him are the ones I don't want to be around.


HUGS to your friend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:07am

Deborah,

I feel the connection with you as well. Kevin sounds like he was an amazing young man. I admire the way you continue to help others from what you have experienced through your journey. I can't thank you enough for the help you have given me already. I feel as if I now have a window into his heart. Brian was the name of his 17 year old son. Brian was a sweet, caring very loving boy. He too worked with children in a homeless shelter two days a week. He was loved by so many. In fact there were over 1,000 people at his funeral. Just an amazing boy. Richard (Chip) is my friend's name and he and Brian were absolutely best friends. Chip has always been a real gentle, kind and sensitive man and I worry that this might destroy him. His children were his whole world. In fact when we first began working together the thing I admired about him the most was what a wonderful father he is. His eyes would light up when he spoke of them and he was so proud when the boys would come to the office to visit. That's why when I sent him a letter with my gift I told him I wanted to honor not only Brian's memory but to honor him as a father as well. I hope this wasn't the wrong thing to say. But I do have tremendous respect and admiration for him. I have come to realize that the support I give to Chip isn't necessarily about the actions or how they are received, but more importantly the feeling I convey to him and I now feel confident that he is getting my messages and I am helping in some small way. I not going to let him walk alone, but I'll give him all the time and space he needs and leave the rest to God.

Thank you again and I will keep in touch and let you know how he's doing.

God bless!
Celeste

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:16am

Thank you for your response. Deborah's, and everyone's advice, has been invaluable. The portrait I gave to him was a piece of my heart and I know he will cherish it. The links to the articles you gave me are so great. I'm learning more and more that men grieve very differently and given the fact that he's always been shy he would tend to withdraw and grieve privately. You didn't offend me in any way. I appreciate that you cautioned me. Actually in eight years I hadn't spoken with him because we had not left each other on good terms. However, I never stopped caring about him and I know in my heart that our friendship is still there. My main focus in acknowledging my deep feelings for him, is my commitment to helping him through this sorrow. This man does not have a good support system and everyone needs a friend. I hope I am helping him even at a distance. Thank you again and God bless!

Celeste

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:20am

Miriam,

Thank you for your response. Everyone has helped me so much already. I have been struggling lately and no one has seemed to understand what I've been feeling. My portrait is a piece of my heart and I'm sure he'll cherish it. I never knew that men grieved so differently from women so I'm going to give him all the time and space he needs as he goes through this journey. I'm confident that I am helping him and he is comforted by my support. The rest I'll leave to God!

Thank you again!
Celeste

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:25am

Tina,

Thank you for your response. Cassidy is soooo adorable. I can't thank you enough for saying that it's good to mention Brian's name. In my letter to my friend I mentioned memories I had of Brian and I had hoped this hadn't upset my friend further. I agree that even though Brian is gone, Chip (my friend) will forever be his father and as I read recently this quote "His name may bring a tear to my eye, but it's music to my heart" I feel I helped by talking about his beloved son.

Thank you again and I'll keep you in my prayers!
God Bless!
Celeste

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