How to comfort a friend who lost his son
Find a Conversation
How to comfort a friend who lost his son
| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:16pm |
An old friend who I worked with several years ago lost his son in an avalanche about six weeks ago. He and I were extremely close and although he was in an unappy marriage, we never dated, but had he not been married while we working together we probably would have been a couple. I left the company eight years ago and at the time we had had a disagreement. I hadn't spoken to him since until his son died and I contacted him and did a portrait of his son as a gift. He was very touched and emailed me how much he appreciated it. I got the feeling that all is forgiven as far as our disagreement but he still hasn't allowed me to see him in person. He is now divorced and does not have a very good support system and from what I've heard he's having a really tough time. I have expressed that I am there for him if he needs me. I have come to realize that I still have deep feelings for this man and I just want to help him. Can anyone help shed some light on whether this withdrawal is normal during grief and is there anything I should be doing besides letting him know I care?

Pages
Celeste,
You are so welcome. You have come to the right place as the women here are very helpful and supportive. It is our pleasure to be able to say or suggest a few things that may comfort you and others.
Give him is space and time to gireve, he knows that you are there for him, and right now that is all you can do.
(((((hugs)))))
Miriam
<
Just keep thinking of the little things to do for him, the littlest things are remembered more than you may think. I know I don't remember everyone that was there when I lost Kevin but I have every card and the best was when my friend would come for no reason and take me out for a small bite to eat, eating wasn't the important thing, it was the time she took out of her life to help me.
Easter is a wonderful time to send a spiritual gift, from what you said about Brian helping others, he was a very caring young man for seventeen. Maybe send a plant that could be planted in his son's honor. I don't know where you are, but here in the south( Louisinia) we plant like an orange tree or sometimes a rose bush. So as it grows and blooms, so does our memories of our child. Just a thought. A donation in honor of his son where he worked. I know where Kevin worked we bought and brought a picture that had a verse that described Kevin to a "T". We asked if we could hang it in the hall of the men's area where Kevin worked, they said that they felt blessed that we had remembered them( the wonderful people he worked with). The picture is still there even after five years. I hear in your heart the love for this man,be patient.
You can check my profile for more information about me, I will wait to hear from you. May God Bless you, ~Deborah~
Deborah,
I actually replied at 6:30 this morning as I can't use my computer at work for personal business. But I wanted to show how much I appreciate your advice. No one around me seems to understand how I've been feeling and you and everyone who has responded has been so kind and helpful. You've helped me to realize just how different the grief is when you lose your child. As I said before, although I realize that men grieve differently from women, you have given me some insight as to what he might be feeling.
These are wonderful suggestions. That is so special that Kevin's old co-workers still have that picture up. He must have been very special to them. Last week I sent Chip a link to Eva Cassidy's version of "Over the Rainbow" on You Tube because this is one of his favorite songs. You should check it out. It's a very soulful, emotional version with just her playing guitar. She had the voice of an angel. I am positive he loved this.
The whole time we worked together he was so kind and thoughtful. He's a lawyer and I was his legal assistant for six years. He used to remember the anniversary date that I started working at the firm and every year he would get me flowers. He always remembered my birthdays and always remembered what was important to me. He's one of a kind. That's how I know that the little things mean the most to him. I would love to know from you, as you have been in the place he is, how often should I check in on him. I don't want to intrude on his right the grieve privately if he want's to be left alone. And I don't want to wait too long if my messages are getting him through the week. It's hard to know because he's not ready to talk to anyone. Any suggestions would be helpful.
I know in my heart that I will see him again one day and in the meantime I just continue to pray for him. By the way, I live in Massachusetts and it's freezing up here so I'm jealous you are in the warm south.
Talk to you soon. Celeste
Deborah and Celeste, have either of you read the book by Elizabeth Edwards, Saving Graces?
Barb,
I just heard recently they they lost a son. I have been reading so many wonderful articles online that I feel have really helped me to understand. I definitely will check out this book. They are very special people.
Thanks!
Celeste
Hi Celeste
I didn't get a chance to welcome you before. There is nothing I can add that has not already been said. You are a good friend.
PROUD TO BE CO-CL ON THE FOLLOWING BOARDS
Alcohol Problems Board
I would send the card and then wait for about a week and if you don't here anything then send something else, until he responds. By that I mean, even thou you don't hear from Chip that doesn't mean that your gifts are not important to him, and helping him with the grief. Some of the men in our group would say that it is a man thing " we must be strong and not cry"atitude.The relationship you seemed to have had with this man, I believe that your heart will guide you. You sound like a very nice person with a kind heart. If Chip had a memory like you said he did, then I am sure that he knows that you will be there for him. "Time" is something grieving parent's don't handle well. We usually go to one extreme or the other. We either talk alot or we push people away. I think he will remember your special friendship, just give it some time... I really love talking to you, you seem to care so much even thou we have never met. Thank you for talking to me and I hope I have helped you... please stay in touch, you are helping me as well, just by letting me talk about Kevin, my heart and soul.... I really want to hear that song now, because I have always loved that song "Over the Rainbow"(I know that is where my Kevin is now). I usually check my mail every morning, evening and at night. I'm a stay at home mom, so write any time. God Bless You for caring, ~Deborah~
~Deborah~
Deborah,
You are as young as you feel! I am as technologically challenged as they come but I am learning. I couldn't get the link to post so just google You Tube, click on it and when you get into You Tube,in the upper right corner is a search box. Type in Eva Cassidy Over the Rainbow and click GO. When the list comes up with the little picture of her live performance just click on Eva Cassidy live. I hope it works for you, it's so special.
What a honor to be able to help you. God works in mysterious ways; in trying to help Chip, I'm learning so much about myself and also helping others. I am glad you suggested to send him something once a week because I had been leaving messages on his son's memorial website on Sundays, and from what a friend who still works with him told me, he seemed to be a bit better at work on Mondays. In fact this was his first week making it through the whole day. Maybe I am helping him. I was just reading an article that says that supporting a grieving friend is hard but supporting a grieving male friend is twice as hard. They won't open up until they feel safe in doing so. I hope with continued attention and caring he will consider me a safe place. I really don't think he has many other people to talk to.
I have to go now but I'll talk to you soon. Good luck with the song.
Celeste
Pages