How to comfort a friend who lost his son
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How to comfort a friend who lost his son
| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:16pm |
An old friend who I worked with several years ago lost his son in an avalanche about six weeks ago. He and I were extremely close and although he was in an unappy marriage, we never dated, but had he not been married while we working together we probably would have been a couple. I left the company eight years ago and at the time we had had a disagreement. I hadn't spoken to him since until his son died and I contacted him and did a portrait of his son as a gift. He was very touched and emailed me how much he appreciated it. I got the feeling that all is forgiven as far as our disagreement but he still hasn't allowed me to see him in person. He is now divorced and does not have a very good support system and from what I've heard he's having a really tough time. I have expressed that I am there for him if he needs me. I have come to realize that I still have deep feelings for this man and I just want to help him. Can anyone help shed some light on whether this withdrawal is normal during grief and is there anything I should be doing besides letting him know I care?

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Beth,
Thanks for the welcome. I have found so many helpful people already on this site and I'm so glad that others have been helped by me as well. I am trying to be a good friend but it's so difficult not knowing whether or not I'm reaching someone's heart, but many of you have helped me to realize that perhaps I am.
Thank you!
Celeste
Celeste, I have come to a point for myself where I write what I am "nudged" to write.
Barb,
What a wonderful message to come home to! I just had a wonderful day with family for Easter and I have kept everyone here in my thoughts and prayers. I can't believe you told me about my words reaching the ones who need them because the other night as I was watching the movie "Pay It Forward" (one of my favorites),it occurred to me that in my search to get advice to help my friend in his sorrow, I find I've been able to help others. Isn't this what paying it forward is all about? I can't tell you how glad I am to have found this message board.
God bless you all!
Celeste
(((((Celeste)))))
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Barb,
You know from my recent posts that I wasn't sure if my messages of care and concern were reaching my friend. Well, I emailed him a message on the weekend about "paying it forward" and how in my search to find answers to help him, I have been able to help others. Although he didn't respond directly, last night he posted on his son's memorial website the lyrics to a song that spoke of teaching our children about the beauty of the world and giving them the tools to help others and make a difference. I'm absolutely positive that my messages are reaching him and he's finally able to start to share what he's feeling. Small though it is, it's a beginning. I can't thank you all enough for not only helping me, but by extension Chip as well. I also let him know about the newsletter that Deborah told me about. I really think this will help him tremendously.
Thank you.
Celeste
Deborah is right. Every day is hard for him to cope with. He no longer has his son with him and life is different. Little things are important to him, little things that you might remember about his son. Dates that were important or holidays. Something as simple as a hug to tell him you are thinking of him and you know he is in pain even if you don't know the acute pain he is in. And as Deborah says a simple card and let God take care of the rest.
Another Mother living through the pain
Gail
I feel so sorry for you. I lost my sister at 41 yrs old only 4 yrs ago and she had one son. He asked if I would be hismom after that and I said ofcourse that I would be proud to be his mom!
Well I lost my sisters son less than a week ago. I am numb. I am depressed and so so sad ofcourse. I can not even express my feelings.
I know how you feel and I know your hurt.
take care
brianna
You have had two very deep emotional loses in such a short time. The one thing you are lucky in is that your relationships must be so special that he loved you enough to ask you to be his mom. You should be very proud.
All I can tell you is every day is hard. Lean on God; family; and friends. Some days you will be so positive you are going crazy and then something special will happen. Maybe one of his friends will come by or you will see something that he loved. My daughter on one especially tough day told me she seen a butterfly fly straight into the brick wall of our patio. She said the butterfly got up shook and flew off. It made Autumn laugh. She came immediately and told me about the incident. Autumn said it was as if Alvin was saying I will always be around Sis. Alvin was always doing silly things to make his sister laugh. At bad moments for Autumn her brothers favorite song has come on her radio.
Every little thing will help. You must open yourself up and let it happen. This has been my problem. The pain has been so deep at times that is all I can think about, but I know better. Everyone says time is the answer. I don't feel it is, but it helps.
You are in my prayers.
alvinsmom2002
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