its just hitting me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
its just hitting me
9
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 8:34pm
My mother died Feb. 19,2007, I wrote here about it, and here I am again. I came home, to my husband and darling baby, she went to bed, and here I am on my secong big glass of wine, litening to the Fleetwood Mac(hers and my favorite) and I miss my mom so much I feel like my heart might as well be on the floor ready to be mopped up. I love to paint and I wish I had a blank canvas right now, I think that would help. But alas, I will write. I just miss her so much, she and I had an up and down relationship. She was only 54, I am 30, and she died of sepsis. I haven't gone to counceling, though maybe its a good idea cause I feel like I am losing it. I have always been on the zainey side, but lately I think I have been comeing off as just plain strange at work. Which isn't out of the norm, but under the circumstances, it may be a tad much. All I do is dream about her. My grandmother died on March 9, too. So, within 3 weeks I lost my mother and my matriarch of a grandmother. She was 89, we expected her, but my mom we were blindsided. Its so hard to cope, its all I think about and yet I have to be present for my 1 year old sweet loving dear daughter and my sweet loving husband. My father(step) and my two brothers seem to be doing okay, but I think they probably feel the same. Some days are good and somedays are like today, all was well and then I come home and all I want is my mother back, alive and I need and want to hold her and feel her. I want my mother back. I dont want to remember her in the hospital, yellow face and hands, on a breathing tube, unresponsive, us praying around her, then she is gone, she was only 54. I want my mother back, healthy and alive. --Robyn
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 1:00am

Honey, it's no wonder you are having such a rough time!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:59am

Robyn,

My heart breaks for you. Losing two people you love has to be overwhelming. As you said you have your husband and baby to hold in your arms, but that just doesn't lessen the pain. The only thing I can say is, take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless!
Celeste

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 12:37pm

good morning robyn...

I lost my mom in december, she was 56 and I am 33. I had my first birthday without my mom last month. It was painful as heck. There will be many more firsts without her as well. There are days when I am constantly sitting here thinking of her. If I listen to tim mcgraws live like you were dying I bawl through the entire song. I had no warning my mom was dieing. they simply found her and I wasnt with her.
It took a while for it to really sink in for me as well.. everything was sort of surreal for a while. It was just me and my brother making the arrangements and packing her house up. We were totally lost as neither of us knew what to do. He stayed with us for about 6 weeks after wards and then moved back to texas. I know that our relationhsip will go back to how it was before .. I hear from him about once a year if that...But even when mom was here I never heard from him and she didnt either. so I deal with it one day at a time and that is all that any of us can do... big hugzz to you and yours..susie

Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:34pm

I lost my mom in January about a month before you did. You are feeling totally normal feelings---okay one day and ready to cry the next. It's got to be really rough on you too, to have lost your grandmother too.

Like everyone else said, take it one day at a time. Maybe if it's not too painful, look at pictures of her when she was healthy---I HAD to b/c I had taken the brunt of my mother's death--I was in the apt. with her when she died and my family wasn't home at the time. She too was young-63, and not in the best of health, but nevertheless it was still unexpected and horrifying.

Right now, what makes me cry or upset is to see things related to Mother's Day--it's very hard for me to look at that stuff, when this will be the first Mom's day without her. (I've done the bday thing already and that was the worst-it was the first get together we would have had together.

Easter wasn't so bad, but I know Mother's day will be very difficult.

Ok, enough rambling--try and take it one day at a time, think about the good times.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:30pm

(((( Robyn))))

Sweetheart, It is difficult enough to loose one loved one, but to loose two can be very devasting and over whelming.

Painting sounds like a fabulous idea which can be very theraputic and calming. You have alot on your plate at this moment with your job, and a little one and ofcourse with your grief, painting or writting can be very helpful.Seeking a councellor can be benifical aswell. My mom passed away at the age of 97 years of age and this year on her 2nd anniversary I sat down and wrote to her a letter. It was very comforting to me, as I told her everything I would of said to her if she was still here with me. Friday the 20th of April, she would of been 100 years old, I intend to write her another letter. It may sound strange to some, but to me, it is so helpful. I get to release all my feelings as I am typing it out on the computer. I type it in my note pad and then save them in a file.

As for your father and your brother, men, grieve differently from women. I am sure that they are going through their grieving process in their own way.

I suggest that you treasure all of your wonderful memories. Talk about them, look at pictures, share all those wonderful moments with a good friend,family and your husband. Perhaps when your little one is a little bit older, you can tell her and show her pictures of her grand mother and great grandmother. Your wonderful memories will always keep them alive.

((((hugs))))
Miriam

Photobucket 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:30pm
I'm sitting here crying reading these posts. We are all right around the same age. I'm 32 my mom was 52. It was sudden when she died. Luckily I was with hr. but I just can't believe she is gone. I just feel numb inside I can laugh and make conversation with people but my god my mother is gone.
I have always loved being an only child until now. Now I just feel alone and sad.
We shared a house together, so I am just now making her stuff my stuff. I look around and I just can't believe she isn't here. Easter was my first holiday without her. The first year I didn't have an Easter basket. I never noticed how many Mother's day commercials there are. It breaks my heart everytime I hear it. I will have to come up with something for my grandmother. and I have no idea what it will be, mum was so easy to buy for, she loved everything. I am dreading my birthday in June and hers in August and oh my god we will be at Thanksgiving and Christmas before we know it. I hate the thoughts of the holidays. I don't want all of these firsts without her. I think about the day I get married and have a baby my mom won't be there. She couldn't wait to have grandchildren. She would be such a good grammie.
come here as often as you can or need to. It's nice to know there is a safe place that people completely understand what you are feeling.
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:38pm

The first holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are the most difficult ones. Know that you are not alone, as we are all here for you. Whenever you need a soft place to fall, or you need to vent, you will find the women here very comforting and supportive.

Love, Miriam

Photobucket 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:06am
hi robyn,,,i to lost my mom 2 years ago,,,she was my best friend,,i know how hard it is,,,i miss her everyday,,,she was 60 im,,41,,,the only thing i can tell you is that time does heal you,,but you will always miss,,when the comes you talk about all the great memories you and her shared,,,what i do every mothers day is the race for the cure my sisters and i have been doing its for years,mom died from breast cancer,,so some how we connection to her on that day,,in time maybe you will be able to do the same,it just so fresh for you,,,you may think your heart will hurt this much and that you just can do it,,but you will find the strength,,,god bless you ginny
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 4:24pm

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Welcome to our board, Ginny.

AcornLeaves