I miss mum so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
I miss mum so much
20
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:24pm
I've been sitting here crying for about half an hour.
I miss mum so very much. I miss her laugh, I miss her calling from work to complain about it. I just miss knowing she was always there.
I know there really wasn't anything I could do to change what happened. But what if I had pushed her to go to the doctor? Would they have been able to save her, or would she have died in the hospital? Would she ended up having her leg amputated?
I realize I knew deep down how sick she was, She got bronchitis about 6 weeks before she died and she just felt lousy. I guess i was afraid to admit it to her and to myself that she needed to go to the doctor, if I said that out loud that would mean there was something seriously wrong. My mother just didn't get sick, she went to work everyday, she took care of her leg. I don't know how she stood all those hours everyday with her leg the way it was, she was always in such a good mood, people just loved her. and she was in constant pain.
Oh mum I'm so sorry, I couldn't do more for you. I'm just so lonely without her.
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 11:31pm

(((((Angie))))

Awww sweetie, please don't beat yourself up about not doing enough. We do all we can. We could drive ourselves crazy with shoulda woulda coulda. You are her precious daughter that she loved deeply. Thats what she needed, thats what she wanted, and that sweetheart is what you gave and keep giving her. It is normal to think what if I would of done this that or the other, try not to focus on that. Try to focus on what you did do for your mum and how much it meant to her and how much you meant to her. Sweetheart, you are ok. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I still miss her so much. This is normal and it is ok, really it is ok. For you to be crying for the last 1/2 hr. is ok too. Sometimes I feel like it too. Cry all you want sweetie. The tears make room for smiles and happy memories.

I do hope you feel better. Know that you are being sent 1000 and 1 cyber hugs.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxo

Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 12:05am

I feel the same way--I so wish I had done the same--would she be alive had I forced myself to take her to the hospital? Should I have taken the signs from my stepdad that she was way sicker than she was? I think about that all the time and how I didn't sit with her while she was sleeping--more than likely dying right under my nose and I didn't even see it.

But what does make my pain better is to remember that she didn't want help--the hospital would have only prolonged her life and she'd be more miserable. I also knew that I was the one who always was able to comfort her and I knew it was okay to let her go. She wanted to die with me there. OF course, I get mad b/c why did she have to traumatize me like that, but I totally see why things happened the way they did.

I agree--try not to beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. You loved your mother, and that's what counts. I know it's way, way easier said than done and I do still feel that pain now and it's almost 3 months now. Try and think of it as she was with loved ones and that's what's important! I hope that helps!

Hugs to you (and I am sharing tears with you too).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:51am
My mama had the greatest laugh also. It was joyful and loud. No demure giggles for her!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:20am
OhI know Beth, you knew when mum laughed.
Sometimes when I laugh or when I say something I hear her voice, we sound a lot alike. It kind of stops me when I hear her voice coming from my mouth.
Thank you for all of your kind words and support.
Now that I'm feeling a little more rational I do know there is nothing more I could have done. I'm so glad I was with her, and she didn't die alone. I'm glad she was out of her head from the blood loss so she didn't really know she was dying.
The crying does help. I often wonder what people think when they see me out in town doing errands and I'm laughing and talking to people, and they ask how I am and I say I'm ok. I really am when I'm out for the most part, except for the empty feeling inside. It's when I'm home I let my feelings out and I cry when I need to. People know how close we were and I wonder if they think "how can she be ok" I think people thought I wouldn't be able to survive this, and they wouldn't make it on my own, that I would in fact cry all the time.
I never say to people any more oh I don't know how you do it, whatever their situation is. Because honestly I didn't think I would ever be able to handle this. However what choice do I have?
Well that was mighty rambly, but where else can I ramble and have people understand.
Thanks again for the kind positive thoughts
and hugs back to all of you, we will all get through this together.
Angie



Edited 4/16/2007 7:29 am ET by princessofquitealot1
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:29am

Didn't seem rambly at all! I understood every word.


Glad you know you can come here!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:38am
Thanks Beth! :)
You ladies really have gotten me through some dark days.
It really is nice to know we will get through this. and that everything we are thinking and feeling is completely normal and other's feel the same way. Although sometimes in the middle of a horrible day, I sometimes think there is no way anyone else can feel this bad.
I'm so glad I found you this place.
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:28am

Oy....the what ifs. My father NEVER went to the doctors and when he was exceptionally ill at one point a few weeks before he unexpectedly passed we begged him to go back to the doctor because he was literally gray...but NO....he was fine and it would pass. We finally convinced him but the pneumonia had gotten so bad he was on a respirator within a few days of being admitted from the doctors office. ALSO...my grandfather died in a hospital so he equated hospitals with death...ironically he did die as he feared BUT I think if he didn't fear hospitals so badly that he wouldn't have died. Self fulfilling prophecy I'm afraid. My what if has something to do with Twinkies. Before he went into the hospital for the last time I was taking care of him while my mother worked (I took vacation days...I value that time I had with him) and I stopped at 7-11 and bought him some Twinkies and Hohos thinking that they would make him feel better...they always do me. He ate the HoHos but never ate the Twinkies. They are now housed in my freezer after 13 years and my what if is could those Twinkies have made the difference??? Who knows?? They magically make me feel better when I am down or feeling sick....

We have little control over what someone does. My "friend" is overweight and has type 2 diabetes. He is 54 years old and I can't get him to eat properly at all and I know one day he will not show up for work (we work together) because he's lying dead in his apartment BUT what am I suppose to do??? I can only love him as much as I can and hope that for him and his grown children that he does something about it. We cannot change what other people want to do.....or don't want to do.

I hope this helps. I know where you are at with this. AND the most important part is your thoughts are very normal and quite healthy in your situation so please don't allow yourself to think differently about this. Go with the emotion and crying is good.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:46am
Thanks Kiki love your name btw aren't we all cinderall wannabe's? ;)
I am feeling a little more rational thanks.
My aunts and grandmother and co workers tried to get mum to go to the doctors for the bronchitis she kept saying no she felt better, she wouldn't go because fo the ulcer on her leg, none of them knew that she had that. I did, and I didn't push her, I wanted her to do what was right for her. I think in the last few weeks maybe even month before she died she knew, she was dying. If she did know I'm kind of glad she didn't go to the hospital, if they could have saved her and made her well again, then of course I would have wanted her to go, but I would not have wanted her to go, have them do all these tests and surgeries hook her up to machines, then have them say ok nothing more we can do let us know when you want us to shut the machines off. If she was in the hospital maybe she would have died alone, maybe she would have been more aware of it and been scared.
I'm glad I was with her, I'm glad she was in her room on her bed that she loved. I'm glad it was during the day and I didn't get up to find her.
So as you can tell I'm feeling a little more rational this morning. I know we can't control other people's actions, but when I get down and start dwelling and I wonder was I selfish in not suggesting she go to the doctor before Thursday morning. I was so afraid they would end up amputating her leg, and I didn't want her to go through that.
She just never got very sick so I guess I was just hoping all this would pass, she would get some sleep and feel better. We were both in such denial. I'm glad she passed quickly and didn't suffer anymore than she did.
Thank you all for reminding me we can't change anyone else and hindsight doesn't help.
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:35pm

When we are grieving and think of what lies ahead -- weddings and babies and holidays and trips and so forth -- we feel totally overwhelmed.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:52pm
Oh Barb thank you for that. That is so true, I have such a hard time thinking about the little whiles and not way into the future. I have always been like that. worried about what is going to happen, even though when I am having my rational moments I know I can't predict or change the future. I will keep that in close in my mind "life is made up of little whiles. :)
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.

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