My Friend's question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
My Friend's question?
5
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 6:59pm
A friend of mine lost his wife about 5 months or so ago because of lung cancer. Now he is telling me that his other friends are telling him that he is going looney or something because he hasn't moved on yet, and hasn't got rid of all her pictures and put them away. They also thinks he needs help because he likes to go and visit his wife's grave, now and then. He finds it comforting to do that. He asked me if I think he is acting crazy by doing that, and I told him my opinion. I told him that he doesn't have to go by anyone else's standards or rules of grieving, because I doubt there is one. Everyone grieves in their own way. I know I just lost my Dad, and I am not about to get rid of all his pictures in my house because he is no longer with me, I might even go and visit his grave from time to time. I just don't know yet if I am up to that. I really didn't know what else to tell him, but I think it is wrong to tell someone to get a life and stop grieving, when they are not ready to do so, just because you think they should...Do you think I gave him good advice or was I wrong as well. Should he get counseling or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 8:15pm

He is right where he needs to be and you have great advice. His other friends obviously haven't been there/done that. My Dad still goes to the cemetary. I do too. My Grandma had dinner with her husband every wedding anniversary...and he died when they were 35.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 8:19pm

((((Sweetie))))

You gave your friend very good advice. Why should someone get rid of what makes them feel better. Why should someone stop doing something that makes them feel better. It has only been 5 months and it is still raw to him. Counseling wouldn't hurt, just to be able to talk to someone about his feelings, his loss. Even keeping a journal would be a good idea, that is if he is up to it. You did a very wonderful thing for your friend. How are you doing? Please let us know.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-1998
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 8:24pm
Grief counceling is not a bad idea, but not because there is anything wrong with your friend. You had everything right; there is no set timetable, and there's nothing wrong with visiting the grave. It's just that sometimes it can be nice to have a little help from people who truly understand. (That's why we're all here, isn't it?)
Cthulu Crochet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 9:32pm

I totally agree with you and the others!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 12:45pm

Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is not time table of how long it takes to heal. 5 months is not very long to have lost a loved one. My father has been dead now for 27 years and I have pictures of him and my mom is gone 2 years and I have pictures of her aswell, and they will always be on my wall and on my desk, and I don't beleive that I am going crazy because I don't put their picturs away and try to forget them. You never forget your loved ones.

I personally think that looking at pictures and having good memories of them, is very healthy. I don't go to their grave side very often as I live an hour and 15 minutes away, but when I am near by, and I want to go then I do, and if I don't want to go I don't, but.... that is my choice and it doesn't take away my memories or my love for them.

Your friend will move on when he feels that he can.Right now he is still mourning for his wife. If visiting her grave helps him in any way, well I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with that. If you go to the cemetry, there are always people visiting, whether their loved ones have passed 5 months ago or 5 years ago. Everyone does what they feel is comforting to them.

I know thathis friends want him to be healed and to begin living his life again, but that is a discission that only he can make. When the time is right for him to move on he will feel it in his heart.

Love Miriam

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