2 weeks have gone by since Dad died.
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2 weeks have gone by since Dad died.
| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:52am |
It's been 2 weeks already, and I still wake up in the middle of the night and cry like I will never stop. This hurts so much, I feel like I won't be able to breathe again. I watched a Hallmark movie the other night, and they kept advertising Dad cards, and stuff like that, and it depressed the heck out of me. I always hear about it takes time to heal, but I don't feel my heart healing, it just hurts, because I miss my Dad so much. I wish I could get one of his big hugs, and hear him call me, MY Sweetheart, like he always did. I think the nights are the worst, because my husband works nights and my grandbaby is asleep, and I am all alone, and I can't sleep, and I have too much time during the night to miss him. My Sister said that she went up to my Brother's and it was so hard, and my Big Brother isn't doing too well either. Sometimes I think I should have stayed with him longer, because he needed me and my Sisters around him, but I couldn't. I have my Granddaughter to watch and take care of. He has his wife and her family with him, but I think he needs his siblings around him as well. We are planning for a family reunion this Summer. Dad was looking forward to it, but he won't be there now, but he will be in spirit. I feel that. I just wish that we could have had that one last family reunion, before he died. People should learn a lesson by all of this, don't take your loved ones for granted, because last year we were suppose to have a big blowout family reunion, but it got canceled. I did take him out for his birthday though. We stopped by his house unexpectedly, and took him out for a huge breakfast, and it was funny because he didn't remember it was his birthday. Maybe that is when he started getting sick, he started forgetting things more, and was getting confused and mixing up his daytime and nitetime hours. Sometimes he would call me up in the middle of the night and wonder why I didn't pick him up, and I would have to tell him it was nighttime, not daytime hours, but he would cover that slip up by saying that he fell asleep in front of the TV, and thought it was the next day. I guess I should have paid more attention to his behavioral patterns. I do feel guilty about that, that he wouldn't go to the Dr., that he waited too long, until it was too late, to do anything about the cancer. MY Dad was very stubborn, when he didn't want to do something, he would not do it. For awhile, he didn't want to be around his family, he just wanted to be with me and my family. I don't know what his reasons were. My husband and I and my family were always there for him, he wanted more and more of our time, and it did get hard. He was exhausting my husband, and myself, and when my Brother took him to live with him, I had alot of mixed emotions, and guilt because I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. So did my Husband, with mixed emotions as well. I feel guilty for even saying that. I am glad that my Brother got this time to be with our Dad though, because they were apart for so many years, and now he has got all those wonderful memories of working with Dad, and having fun with Dad, and even scolding Dad at times. Thinking back to Dad leaving to live with my Brother, I am mad at myself for feeling like that, because I love my Dad and I miss him so much, and what I wouldn't give to spend a day with him again....Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.. Goodnite...

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((((((sweetie))))
First of all sweetie, there is never a need to say your sorry here. Venting is a good thing no matter how long it is.
It has only been 2 weeks and your emotions are still raw and exposed. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Grieving has its own timetable and it is different for each and everyone of us. Don't feel like you have to fight back the tears, it is healthy to cry. I have always said tears make room for smiles and happy memories. Maybe if you play some soft soothing music and pamper yourself with a warm bubble bath with candles and a good book before you go to bed. Make it your special time. You have to take care of yourself physically,and emotionally.
Stay in touch with your brother call him, email him. I don't know how far apart mile wise you two are but maybe a meeting of you and your sister and brother would help all of you. Yes you will all cry, but you will also remember good stuff, happy stuff, and yes some not so happy stuff. Have you tried a grief counselor? Contact your local hospice and they maybe able to help you find one.
The reunion sounds great and yes your sweet dad will be there in spirit laughing and smiling right along with all of you.
Please let us know how your doing. You are being sent a million and one cyber hugs from all of us.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo
(((((Nitegirl))))), here come some more cyberhugs for you.
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time AND I wish I could say something that would make it better but I can't. This is painful and it will be for a very long time. Crying is good and know that you aren't alone in this even though it may seem like it. Guilt is normal and wanting to spend a day with him is amazingly similar to how I feel all the time even after 13 years. At this point I would be happy just to see his smile and touch him if even for a moment. But I can't.....and we have to remember all the things that they were and hold that dear in our hearts.
My immediate Manager informed me yesterday that her father had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 2 at this point but surgery is not an option so they are opting for chemo which they are not very optimistic about. He had to relocate about 4 hours from here and she is able to go for long weekends and I advised her that she needed to make sure that she does everything she can to NOT have regrets if something happened to him. That might mean that she takes time off from work (new FMLA covers her) and spend time with him because at this point there is nothing more important than that. I told her that it's going to rough and the pain never goes away. (I am so honest about it because it hurts like heck!!!) She agreed and has begun the FMLA process today in order to protect her job and go through this horrible experience at the same time.
I am not always the right person to discuss this with because I am brutally honest but why tell someone they will feel better after they've lost their Daddy...it hurts like heck and there will be a hole in your world forever...for goodness sakes it was Daddy.
I hope this helps. Know that you aren't acting abnormal and just go with the emotions. Holding it in will only serve to create more serious problems.
Kiki
I thank you for your honesty. I like that. I don't believe that in time things will get better, because no matter how much time goes by, I will have that huge hole in my heart with the loss of my Daddy. I felt it with Mom as well, but never as much as I do with my Dad's passing. I have been closer to Dad all my life. I am 52 years old, and there never was a time that I was away from my Dad, except for the past few months he went to live with my Brother. I don't regret the time that he was with my Brother, because that would be selfish of me to do that. I had to share him with my Brother and my Sisters. It was just hard being away from him. When I was able to visit with him, I did, and I was with him in the end of his life, which was very hard to watch. So, I hope your friend is prepared to watch that, because it is difficult to say the least, to see your Daddy wither away to nothing but in reality, there is no way to prepare yourself. You just do what needs to be done for your Dad, no matter how hard it can be on yourself. Cancer takes everything away from a person, even your dignity. My Dad who has always been a modest man was wearing diapers at the end of his life. We had to change him because he couldn't control his bodily functions anymore, he would try to make sure that his private parts were covered, because he didn't want them to be seen by anyone, especially his daughters. We had to dress him, and bathe him, thankfully the hospice aide came in every day to bathe him, and change his bedding, but if he wet the bed, or wet himself, when she wasn't there, we had to change him ourselves, and redress him and feed him. I was thankful when they catharized him, which made it easier on us, and him during his final days, except he was afraid to let himself pee. We had to keep telling him it was ok to pee. He kept trying to get out of bed to go potty, and we had to keep telling him that he couldn't do that, and he didn't like that. When he stopped eating and wasn't able to swallow and when he couldn't take his medicine orally, they wanted us to give it rectally, we couldn't handle that, and we explained to them that our Dad wouldn't want that medicine like that, and he had enough of his dignity taken away from him and that wasn't acceptable to us and him, and his hospice aide and his hospice Nurse understood that, because they got to know Dad, and we were so thankful when they brought this butterfly thingy that attached to his arm and his leg and we just had to give him his morphine, etc, that way. But then there came a time, when he didn't react to us anymore. He just laid there with his eyes open, and only the whites of his eyes showing, and we weren't sure but we think he might have had a stroke, but the Dr. didn't know for sure, because his vitals were good then. We all learned what a strong man my Dad was, because he just was. He was amazing, there will never be anyone like that man. I hope that your friend contacts the Hospice people, because they were a godsend for us, and I am sure they will be for your friend as well....
I so agree on the total honesty. Loosing someone never feels better. I just never knew how bad until I lost Mom. Yeah I am glad that SHE is at peace, with out pain, but I am still here, I miss her, I see something she would have liked an I know she is not there to give it to.
We are still trying to pick up pices of life and remold it to one with out her.
And this is the new life. Not the one I would choose, but the one I have been given to go on with.
My sincere sympathies.
The pain eases....I guess the best way to put it is that the scab forms over the pain.
Please know we are here for you.
What a powerful post.....your Father must have been miserable having to allow you to care for him and wanting to protect you and him at the same time by trying hard to hide his private parts. God Bless him.....I can say that your post reminded me how fortunate my family and I are in the fact that my father had been diagnosed with emphysema and was in the early stages. We knew eventually that he would have to stop working and driving and ALL the things that he loved and suffer much like your father did until he died. The fortunate part is he didn't have to do that.....he developed pneumonia from a simple surgical procedure due to the weakness of his lungs and the pneumonia was too aggressive and we lost him. Never did I have to see my Father in the condition that you described and I want you to know that I respect anyone that can do what you did and you did it with the love and respect that your Father deserved. (As well as you could under the extreme circumstances).
It also reminded me of a story of my Father and his dignity. I was in my early 20's which would have made my father around 50 lets say. We were having a BBQ with family and friends and it was exceptionally hot. For some reason as he stood BBQing (his favorite thing in the world...typical man!!) he passed out backward and hit his head on the fence. We were so frightened...called 911....etc. He came to with quite a noggin on his head and complaining because he didn't have his pants...he was in a swimsuit/short thing. Since he hit his head so hard the paramedics placed him on a gurney my Father wailing for his pants. My mother upset as you can imagine trying to "control" the situation like she always needs to do wasn't too concerned about Dad's pants. But he continued...seriously...as they wheeled him to the ambulance you could hear him from inside the house...."I want my pants!!!!". The poor man would not leave the yard without his pants.....I laugh now. I miss him and his stupid stupid pants.
Thanks for your words...I look up to your strength and love that you exhibited to your Dad. He will always be grateful for you.
Kiki
I know it's an honest approach BUT most people don't want to know that this hurts forever. Maybe not the way it does in the beginning because like any change in our lives we get use to it BUT a pain and emptiness because they're our parents and it's all we've known our whole life and now they are gone...which I respect and understand is what life is about BUT that doesn't make it easier.
I remember when my father was ill one of our family members by marriage was the lady that collected blood and she was there with us for the entire ordeal. A few months after he passed away we met up with her at a family party and she told us that my father's death caused her into a deep depression because it reminded her of when her father passed 18 years prior. She said she cried for weeks like she did when she initially lost him. I knew then that this wasn't going to be good at any time and it hasn't. I think some of it is the way my Mother has been since he died. She suddenly became old and ill and just seems to be dying a little more each day from missing him so much. I hate that...I hate that she is separated from him. They belong together either in life or death. At times in the beginning I really felt like she would commit suicide and I asked her about that and she said she couldn't because she would be afraid (Catholic woman) that she wouldn't end up in the same place as him so she remains...in a 1/2 life and it kills me. She loved him so much.............my Grandmother was the same way and was a widow for over 60 years before she passed 1999 and was reunited in heaven with her man. Makes me smile everytime.
Kiki
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