2 weeks have gone by since Dad died.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
2 weeks have gone by since Dad died.
14
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:52am
It's been 2 weeks already, and I still wake up in the middle of the night and cry like I will never stop. This hurts so much, I feel like I won't be able to breathe again. I watched a Hallmark movie the other night, and they kept advertising Dad cards, and stuff like that, and it depressed the heck out of me. I always hear about it takes time to heal, but I don't feel my heart healing, it just hurts, because I miss my Dad so much. I wish I could get one of his big hugs, and hear him call me, MY Sweetheart, like he always did. I think the nights are the worst, because my husband works nights and my grandbaby is asleep, and I am all alone, and I can't sleep, and I have too much time during the night to miss him. My Sister said that she went up to my Brother's and it was so hard, and my Big Brother isn't doing too well either. Sometimes I think I should have stayed with him longer, because he needed me and my Sisters around him, but I couldn't. I have my Granddaughter to watch and take care of. He has his wife and her family with him, but I think he needs his siblings around him as well. We are planning for a family reunion this Summer. Dad was looking forward to it, but he won't be there now, but he will be in spirit. I feel that. I just wish that we could have had that one last family reunion, before he died. People should learn a lesson by all of this, don't take your loved ones for granted, because last year we were suppose to have a big blowout family reunion, but it got canceled. I did take him out for his birthday though. We stopped by his house unexpectedly, and took him out for a huge breakfast, and it was funny because he didn't remember it was his birthday. Maybe that is when he started getting sick, he started forgetting things more, and was getting confused and mixing up his daytime and nitetime hours. Sometimes he would call me up in the middle of the night and wonder why I didn't pick him up, and I would have to tell him it was nighttime, not daytime hours, but he would cover that slip up by saying that he fell asleep in front of the TV, and thought it was the next day. I guess I should have paid more attention to his behavioral patterns. I do feel guilty about that, that he wouldn't go to the Dr., that he waited too long, until it was too late, to do anything about the cancer. MY Dad was very stubborn, when he didn't want to do something, he would not do it. For awhile, he didn't want to be around his family, he just wanted to be with me and my family. I don't know what his reasons were. My husband and I and my family were always there for him, he wanted more and more of our time, and it did get hard. He was exhausting my husband, and myself, and when my Brother took him to live with him, I had alot of mixed emotions, and guilt because I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. So did my Husband, with mixed emotions as well. I feel guilty for even saying that. I am glad that my Brother got this time to be with our Dad though, because they were apart for so many years, and now he has got all those wonderful memories of working with Dad, and having fun with Dad, and even scolding Dad at times. Thinking back to Dad leaving to live with my Brother, I am mad at myself for feeling like that, because I love my Dad and I miss him so much, and what I wouldn't give to spend a day with him again....Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.. Goodnite...

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Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:39pm

AWWWWWWWW, I so feel your awful pain. Here are some hugs to you.~~~~~((((HUGS)))). What you are feeling is totally normal. I was the same way, only it was during the day I wanted to cry. Some nights I thought about my mom and cried, but mostly I did during the day. I work in a craft store and she was crafty at the end, so everything I looked at reminded me of her. It's only been 3 months for me and I still think I should call her.

You know what might comfort you? Are you close by the cemetery? Maybe you could let all your feelings out and talk to him. Yeah, it sounds a little goofy, but I thought that helped me--I told her I was mad at her for leaving me so soon, I told her I wished I had seen the signs and made myself make her help herself, I wished I listened to my stepdad when he begged me to come over and help stay with her. I told her I missed her, LOVED her terribly, and was so happy to see her back from another state she was in. Say everything you need to say--let it all out, cry all the tears you can possibly make. It did comfort me.

Just know that, and I know all too well, it's way easier to say than to think, but in time, your pain will lessen. Just be patient with yourself. It is easier now even, but I still have terrible pain of missing her, feeling guilty, all that comes with loss.

Try not to feel guilty b/c you couldn't stay with your brother long. You did the very best you could. My sister does feel guilty b/c I had told her that I thought mom might pass on that day, and she didn't listen to me--I knew she had lots on her mind though, so I don't hold her responsible.

It also sounds like your brother took the brunt of the death--like I did. Because of that, it looks like he's having a difficult time. It is the most stressful, frightening part of death, and that part is hard to get over.

I'll be thinking about you. Try and talk to your dad, talk about memories, try and think about him when he was well. I promise, it will get better. When, I can't answer, but things will be easier. You might feel good for a bit and then something will cause your grief to resurface. That's normal, too. It still happens--music I hear, a picture, just living, this board even does it (which is why I can't always lurk or post--makes me cry!)

Again: ((((HUGS))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 6:01am
Thank you for your post. I will try to remember all the good times that we shared, and not remember how bad it got in the end, but that is hard too. I don't think I will ever forget that. I am so sorry for your Mom's loss as well. I understand how seeing things will trigger you to grieve for her all over again, it hasn't been that long since your MOm passed. Was she sick for a long time? My older Sister wasn't there when Dad died either. She was there with him 2 days or so before that, and it was hard for her to watch Dad slipping away. She said her goodbyes, so maybe that was enough for her, and she was there when the priest blessed him, and that was good. She also gave him permission to die, as we all had to do, over and over again. It was the hardest for my Brother to have to do that. I don't think he wanted to face it that Dad wasn't going to get better, so he had to stop coming into his room, and talking like Dad needed to get better so they could finish the work they were doing before Dad got bad. It was heartbreaking when he instead came into his room, and told him that it was okay, he would finish up his work. He thanked him for helping him in the shop, and that he would carry on by himself now, that he gave him permission to pass and join MOm in heaven, and his wife and friends, and loved ones. We had to tell him that all us kids would be ok when he leaves us. We will all be there for each other...I guess we will have to work on that. Was it that way for your family as well. I suppose like you said it is hard to talk about, but it does help. So anyway thanks for posting.
{{{{{{Hugs to you as well.}}}}}}}
Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:54am

Yes, my mom was sick for quite a while--she had hypothyroidism that never really got properly treated, and she had other health problems. She was so stubborn regarding health care! She basically died from lack of oxygen and a heart attack. It's hard to say how my family was; I mean my sister, and stepdad and I were all there, and continue to be there for each other. It was also very peaceful-no arguing about the funeral, no arguing about her stuff; none of that. I think we've been very generous with her stuff.

I guess I can agree with you that my sis said her goodbyes prior to that day, although the last time she saw her, as I, was Christmas Eve.

It is really hard to think about the bad times, although that day keeps coming back and so does the day of the funeral. I do try and think about the good memories.

Thanks for the hugs--I kinda needed them. :) I heard a song today that reminded me of my mom and it hurt like heck to hear it but I did only because I like the song so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:38pm
Hi
It's been 1 week tomorrow since my Mom passed on. She had been sick for years with Myatonic Dystrophy, a form of Muscular Dystrophy. She gradually became so that she could walk well, and her motor functions were slowed. After that, it started weakening her lungs and other major organs, including her heart. She'd been in hospital for 2 months or so prior to her death, but was doing pretty good. Moving around, talking, normal as usual. Then, the phone call from my brother late at night, saying she took a sudden, drastic turn for the worst, her lung had collapsed and she was on oxygen full time. We live a province away, so we drove the 6.5 hrs fast, not sure if she would make it the night.
She did. We arrived at 5 am on Thursday morning. Spoke with her, she was very much aware. She had a standing DNR order. She no longer wanted to live with the disease that was killing her. She passed on Saturday morning. We weren't at the hospital. We got the call, and rushed over. I think it was what she wanted. Her quality of life just wasn't what she would have hoped for. She was only 57.
It's hard. It will be hard for a long time. I cry over the silliest things. A picture, a word, a thought. As time goes on, the pain does fade. But it never goes away. We are left with memories.
I never knew how to console someone who's parent had passed. Now that I am going through it, I am finding that I prefer people not to say anything at all. Just treat me like normal, and let things flow as they usually did. I don't want to hear, 'i'm sorry for your loss' one more time. I think I will scream if I do. If the thought is there, I'll be able to tell. I don't need another reason to break down into tears.
All the best to those who are suffering losses of their own. And God bless.

Farmer's wife and mother of four, blessed and grateful.

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