Can I not go to the funeral?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Can I not go to the funeral?
17
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:44pm

What I'm going to say is going to sound very selfish on the face of it, so please read the whole message before you respond.

I don't want to go to my Mom's funeral/visitation (she only has a few days left before she dies). If I did the whole traditional thing that our family does, I'd be at the visitation, standing in the reception line for 2 - 3 hours talking to some family and a lot of people I don't even know, but who knew Mom and knew of me. Then there are the funeral services at the church (I'm not Christian). Then the drive to the burial site and another ceremony. Then back to the church where everyone stays for a dinner put on by the "church ladies".

My mom has 2 types of cancer and chemo didn't work. She's currently in hospice care at home. I went out earlier in the year (all Mom and Dad's family and extended family live within 50 miles of each other in a midwest state, I live in CA)to visit her and ended up accompanying her and Dad to 2 emergency rooms, through an emergency procedure and another 4 days in the hospital without a clear diagnosis in a strange city. Dad and I were either at the hospital or at the hotel sleeping the whole time. After that I came back home to CA.

On Easter day we (me, husband and youg daughter) went to visit Mom. She was very tired but otherwise ok. While I was there she took a turn for the worse and off we went to the emergency room again. The chemo wasn't working and the dr. gave her a few days to 2 weeks to live. Dad, my husband and I all worked very hard to make sure everything got properly set up for with hospice at home. My brother and his wife were also there and very helpful and worked hard while they were there for that 1 day. My brother works and his wife is a stay at home mom, same situation my husband and I have, except that they live just a 1 hour drive away. It was clear to me that mom needed more care physically than what Dad would be able to provide so, when the weeks vacation was up I stayed there for another week and a half and made sure we hired a responsible 24 hour caregiver. After a week my husband came back out to help us with Mom while our daughter stayed with friends. He and I got back to our home in ca just last night. I had to come back to my daughter. she hadn't seen me for a week and a half and the week previous to that I was totally engaged with caring for Mom and didn't really have time for her.

Mom is near the end. She can't speak, swallow, eat or drink. I was hoping that since Mom is so near the end and that the travel isn't exactly easy (4 - 6 hr flight and 2 hr drive)and I hadn't been with my daughter so long, that Dad wouldn't expect me to come back for the funeral. The day I left he asked if I'd read a psalm at the funeral - knowing I'm not Christian. So it's obvious he expects me back.

I feel like my own family's life has been on hold long enough. Also, in those 2 and a half weeks I cared for my Mom more tenderly than she ever did for me. I was hoping that even if she didn't apologise for her poor parenting, she might say a sincere I love you or i'm proud of you or that sort of thing. Or at the very, very least a thank you for staying and helping take care of her. Earlier she was talking and coherent enough to help me choose her funeral clothes. She knew she only had 2 weeks left. She chose not to have any of those conversations.

Also, I resent my brother and his wife not being more helpful especially since they live so close.

I really can't go thru the funeral and visitation and listen and agree with everyone what a wonderful mother she was. She wasn't a bad mother, just uninterested and dissapproving of me.

I want my own little calm quiet life back and feel I have honored my Mom by staying and caring for her - helping her go to the bathroom, feeding her, making sure she was comfortable, giving her meds, checking her daily for bedsores and turning her, working with the hospice nurses who came in...

So, can I not go to the funeral? Would I have to tell my dad why? I really don't want to hurt him when he's in this situation. And he was very kind and thoughtful and thankful for the time I was there. What excuse could I come up with not to go? Is it horribly selfish of me to not want to go? I feel I've done my part. My Dad can be supported at the funeral by his brother's and sister's, my brother, his close friends, his pastor and other church members. So, I don't feel like I'm neglecting him just that it's someone else's turn to step up.

Thanks in advance for your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:28am

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry to hear about your mother and her inevitable passing. What a wonderful daughter you are to her to take that much time to care and nurture her during her final days.

It is in my opinion that you do not have to attend any funeral ritual if you do not feel it necesary to do so. The passing of someone close to you is a very personal thing. No one will ever be able to understand the relationship between you both and no one will be able to understand your feelings toward the relationship.

Many people find attending funerals to be a "saying goodbye" to the one who has passed... however, for me, a funeral has never been that time. My goodbyes to those I love have come on my own terms and has never been at a funeral.

Funerals are also supports for the family. A lot of people find comfort in having friends and family with them as they mourn their close loss. I think that if you do not feel that you need to be apart of the service... it might be nice for you to make the trip to spend some time with your dad and family... perhaps outside of a formal service? In that way you can support your dad, but not compromise your beliefs about going to the formal service.

It is completely up to you in any decision that you make...

A personal story:

My boyfriend suddenly passed away in November... and I came to the difficult conclusion to NOT attend his funeral. There are many factors as to why I choose not to which I won't bore you with now... but most of my friends and familys advice was to make the decision I wanted in my heart but they didn't want me to regret it. I offer that advice to you as well... follow your heart, but make sure you think about it closely so you will not regret your decision later.

5 months later I do not regret my decision having not gone. I have since visited the cemetary on my own terms. I was in fact judged outloud by others for the decision I made... but I have moved past it because I know it was the best decision I could make for myself at the time.

I hope I could offer you some sound advice during this difficult time. And I hope you find peace with whichever decision you make.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:38am

Wow, what a terrible situation. I am sorry your mom is so sick and the end is near. I am not quite sure how to advise you on this situation. I can see why it would be heartbreaking to go through the funeral service. I can also see how it would be hard to endure comments on what a great person your mother was.

I obviously wasn't there for your upbringing and don't know what you went through. If your mom was not appreciative of your care, could it be because that was the furthest from her mind at that time? Maybe she felt comforted b/c you were there to help her.

I can't really answer this question for you, but think about it very carefully before you decide. I mean, I think you might regret it later.

I can tell you a little bit about my experience. My mom passed away 3 months ago. She is of a different faith than I am, so some of the traditions are different from what I am used to. I was there in her home the day she passed. I found her body. Needless to say it was very traumatic and heartbreaking. One of her faith's traditions (like many from what I understand) is to wash the body. I hemmed and hawed many, many hours over whether I should go to it. People who did not know my mother well were going to do the washing and I felt a little weird not going because of that. I chose not to go to that part only because I did not, and could not see my mother the way she was. After she was gone, my sister came to the house and asked me to sit with her and mom while she said goodbye. I could not do it, knowing full well what I had just gone through.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am relating my experience to yours and it sounds like it was traumatic to care for your mother when she and everyone else knew the end is near. If I were you, I would go. Even now I feel like mom is all alone and I can't bear her feeling that way, so I have an intense need to make sure she is loved and remembered!

I hope that helps a little, though it doesn't feel like a good answer. Sorry, if I rambled!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:47am

Hi, (((((Debandstormy))))).

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 6:21am

I am Beth, the other cl here.


My experiences were different with my Mama, so I don't have personal experience to give to you. For that I apologize.


I did read the other posts, and think that everyone gave you some great advice.


Peace to you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:29am
I'm so sorry about your mom. That is a pain like no other no matter what the relationship is.
I wish I could say clearly yes or no you should or shouldn't go. Only you can make that decision.
I agree with the previous poster that maybe you could go and only participate in some of hte funeral.
My mom didn't want any funeral at all. Which was hard to tell people but I went with what she wanted. We did have a moment of silence for her at her job she worked at a grocery store for 20 years. Everyone loved her, It was nice the Human resources person wrote a nice little thing about mum and we had the moment and then played her favorite Beatles song in my life. It was quiet and small and perfect. I felt really good after that. I guess what I'm saying is what would your mom want you to do?
Again I'm so sorry
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:42am

What would my Mom want me to do is part of the problem. We spoke briefly about the fact that I didn't want to go to the visitation (I didn't say anything about the rest of the ceremonies). she said "If I didn't go, people would think I didn't care". She was really more concerned about what other people would think than what an emotional toll it might take on me.

From my point of view, anyone who knew I stayed to help care for her, rather than just go back home to my own family would know that I did care for her regardless of whether I was at the funeral.

I feel like I'm being guilted into going (by family, not by this board). If I do go it will just be a "grit your teeth and bear it" for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:53am
UGHHH I'm sorry you are in such a terrible spot of feeling guilted into going.
I hate that visitation thing. I remember when my grandmother died she was adament about not wanting that, she planned her own funeral compltely. After she died my grandfather waffled back and forth about having the visitation and in the end he decided to have it. I went because I felt bad and felt like I HAD to go. I just hate those things.
I worried people would think I didn't care when I didn't have a funeral for mum even though I knew she didn't want one, and that's what I put in her obituary "at her request there will be no funeral" but I still thought oh god people will think I didn't want to bther.
I'm sorry I really don't have any advice. I guess I am thinking you need to do what's right for you. If not going to the funeral will be ok for you then don't go. You need to say good bye in your own way. A funeral can be closure for some but others it's just painful. You know and the people around you know you stopped your life to help your mom.
You are in my thoughts
Angie
Tact is for people who aren't smart enough to be sarcastic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:35am
Hon, I can well imagine how stressful this time has been for you, now culminating in the decision you are exploring.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 6:39pm

I am so sorry for your mom's illness and having to wait for her to pass on, is not an easy thing.

I don't want to judge you, for not wanting to attend your mom's funeral. I read your post very carefully and I feel very badly for you. I don't believe that anyone can make this discission for you. We all have choices in our lives and you have to make the one that you think is the right one for you. My only thought is , that if you do not go to her funeral, will you have any regrets later on? Think this through very carefully.

I know that I had a wonderful mom, who passed away 2 years ago, she was my best friend, and was my inspiration as she was to many. But....she was not perfect. My mother never virbally told me that she loved me till she was dying. The only thing that I can say, is that actions means more to me, than words can ever say. She was always there for me, she supported me in what I wanted in my life, she was honest with me, etc.

Not every one says what they feel or know how or what to say. You mentioned that she was "NOT A BAD MOTHER" that has to count for something. No parent is perfect. You are a very loving and dedicated daughter, and I am sure that your mom thought of all what you would of liked her to say, but maybe she just didn't know how to say it. Perhpas you should give her the benifit of the doubt. Again, I am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel, it is only you that will know. Just think it over carefully before you make your final discission.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and know that we are all here for you, when you ever you feel you need a soft place to fall.

((((((hugs))))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 7:04pm

I didn't read any of the other response so I could make sure that I am making a personal response. I wouldn't consider it selfish if you didn't go BUT she's your Mom AND the time spent doing the viewing, church funeral and cemetary is more for the living than the dead. That living involves your Dad. Do you want your Dad to do this without you?

All of the reasons why you don't want to do this are excuses designed to protect you from having to deal directly with her death and believe me it's the most normal response. BUT you can't put your head in the sand and hide from this. Well you can....BUT this is what life is about. Life and death...your family will have all the time in the world to be together when your Mother passes and I know you know that to be the truth. IF you do not do what you know to be right your daughter will not learn the same lesson. Don't teach her to hide from loss....teach her to hold her head high through the pain and do what is right. Greet those caring people that come to the viewing and allow them to console you and your family. Hold your Father tight while he experiences the loss of his beautiful wife. Whether or not your brother does what you believe he should is irrelevant. What YOU do is.

Please do not make the mistake of forgoing what can be a beautiful experience...saying goodbye to your beloved Mother. Regardless of the history of your relationship she is still your Mom. AND don't regret this in the future.

Death in our life is designed to appreciate life that much more. If you keep yourself void of the pain you will never appreciate the good.

I hope I wasn't too harsh but I strongly believe that if you miss this you will regret it painfully the rest of your life.

AND how exactly will you explain this to your daughter and your Dad?

Kiki

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