Can I not go to the funeral?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Can I not go to the funeral?
17
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:44pm

What I'm going to say is going to sound very selfish on the face of it, so please read the whole message before you respond.

I don't want to go to my Mom's funeral/visitation (she only has a few days left before she dies). If I did the whole traditional thing that our family does, I'd be at the visitation, standing in the reception line for 2 - 3 hours talking to some family and a lot of people I don't even know, but who knew Mom and knew of me. Then there are the funeral services at the church (I'm not Christian). Then the drive to the burial site and another ceremony. Then back to the church where everyone stays for a dinner put on by the "church ladies".

My mom has 2 types of cancer and chemo didn't work. She's currently in hospice care at home. I went out earlier in the year (all Mom and Dad's family and extended family live within 50 miles of each other in a midwest state, I live in CA)to visit her and ended up accompanying her and Dad to 2 emergency rooms, through an emergency procedure and another 4 days in the hospital without a clear diagnosis in a strange city. Dad and I were either at the hospital or at the hotel sleeping the whole time. After that I came back home to CA.

On Easter day we (me, husband and youg daughter) went to visit Mom. She was very tired but otherwise ok. While I was there she took a turn for the worse and off we went to the emergency room again. The chemo wasn't working and the dr. gave her a few days to 2 weeks to live. Dad, my husband and I all worked very hard to make sure everything got properly set up for with hospice at home. My brother and his wife were also there and very helpful and worked hard while they were there for that 1 day. My brother works and his wife is a stay at home mom, same situation my husband and I have, except that they live just a 1 hour drive away. It was clear to me that mom needed more care physically than what Dad would be able to provide so, when the weeks vacation was up I stayed there for another week and a half and made sure we hired a responsible 24 hour caregiver. After a week my husband came back out to help us with Mom while our daughter stayed with friends. He and I got back to our home in ca just last night. I had to come back to my daughter. she hadn't seen me for a week and a half and the week previous to that I was totally engaged with caring for Mom and didn't really have time for her.

Mom is near the end. She can't speak, swallow, eat or drink. I was hoping that since Mom is so near the end and that the travel isn't exactly easy (4 - 6 hr flight and 2 hr drive)and I hadn't been with my daughter so long, that Dad wouldn't expect me to come back for the funeral. The day I left he asked if I'd read a psalm at the funeral - knowing I'm not Christian. So it's obvious he expects me back.

I feel like my own family's life has been on hold long enough. Also, in those 2 and a half weeks I cared for my Mom more tenderly than she ever did for me. I was hoping that even if she didn't apologise for her poor parenting, she might say a sincere I love you or i'm proud of you or that sort of thing. Or at the very, very least a thank you for staying and helping take care of her. Earlier she was talking and coherent enough to help me choose her funeral clothes. She knew she only had 2 weeks left. She chose not to have any of those conversations.

Also, I resent my brother and his wife not being more helpful especially since they live so close.

I really can't go thru the funeral and visitation and listen and agree with everyone what a wonderful mother she was. She wasn't a bad mother, just uninterested and dissapproving of me.

I want my own little calm quiet life back and feel I have honored my Mom by staying and caring for her - helping her go to the bathroom, feeding her, making sure she was comfortable, giving her meds, checking her daily for bedsores and turning her, working with the hospice nurses who came in...

So, can I not go to the funeral? Would I have to tell my dad why? I really don't want to hurt him when he's in this situation. And he was very kind and thoughtful and thankful for the time I was there. What excuse could I come up with not to go? Is it horribly selfish of me to not want to go? I feel I've done my part. My Dad can be supported at the funeral by his brother's and sister's, my brother, his close friends, his pastor and other church members. So, I don't feel like I'm neglecting him just that it's someone else's turn to step up.

Thanks in advance for your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:51am

Hey,


Like everyone else said, you have to make the decision that you will not regret in the years later.


funerals are for the living.

000552k3 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:09am

Kiki,


I liked how and what you said. It is what I was trying to say, You just said it better.


000552k3 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:01pm

Dear Everyone,

You've all been very helpful and always polite in your comments. Thank you so much for being available and listening and comforting.

I just talked to my Dad. I brought up that visitation and funerals have a different meaning for me than for most people. He said that he had been telling people that I might not come back for the funeral and that no one had said anything negative. He said that I should take care of myself and that it would be ok if I didn't come back. I told him that what I really wanted was to sit alone on the beach (here in CA) while they were having the funeral in IL.

My Dad really surprised me by being so understanding and accepting. I now feel much less worried and more able to be sad and I can see my Dad in a new light.

Thank you all again for your help and support. It really does mean a lot.

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:08pm

I'm so glad that worked out well for you.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-1998
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 5:57pm
I'm so glad you're at peace with your situation, now. I never went to my MIL's funeral, for health reasons, and everyone was very understanding.
Cthulu Crochet

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 6:49pm

This is my first visit to this board, and I was looking for somewhere to point my cousin who just lost her only child, a 20 year old son, in a car accident 8 days ago.


My thought for you is in a year, will you regret having spent the time and emotion going to the services, or in 5 years?



joy3.gif

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:38am

Welcome, (((((Kessa)))))!

AcornLeaves

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