trying to heal/understand
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| Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:00am |
So, I'm pretty new to the boards and I don't really know how this works; so I guess I will just tell you about my story...
About a month ago my very close friend (Ryan) committed suicide. He was 22.
He lived a couple houses down the road from me and we have been friends since kindergarten. We almost had a brother/sister relationship you would say.
I knew that he was troubled, but he would never fully tell me what his problems were. I think that they had just built up over the years and I'm sure it had gotten to the point when he wasn't even sure what his problem was.
We had lost contact when I decided to transfer colleges (from a community college back to my old university) but I had never stopped thinking of him.
Then, for about a month or so, I was having these horrible nightmares about him. These continued until I came home for spring break, thought about calling him, but forgot. On Wednesday of my spring break I got a phone call from our mutual best friend, but I didn't return it until I got back up to school that Friday (yeah, i'm TERRIBLE at returning calls). My best friend informed me that Ryan had committed suicide. I honestly fell to the floor (like they do in the movies),hung up the phone and started weeping. I didn't leave that floor for four hours.
I went to the visitation and saw someone in that casket that somewhat resembled my close friend. To me, it all looked so fake. I was almost expecting him to jump out of a closet and yell, "got ya!" because that was his personality.
He was the kind of guy that just loved life. He was the most peaceful man I ever knew.
I just don't understand how someone like that could get to the point where they couldn't live anymore. I wish that I knew what he was going through so that I could just tell him that I loved him and was there for him no matter what.
It just makes me wonder if he knew that so many people loved him. If he knew that he had a circle of family and friends who would do anything for him. I almost wish that he knew that there were over 200 people at his funeral and probably many more that couldn't attend.
I miss him terribly.
Has anyone ever experienced this type of loss before? I've been close to many people who were sick with cancer and passed, but it was expected and we all prepared for it. Ryan's death was completely out-of-the-blue. I feel like he is more on a long trip than anything else... It's been about a month and it still hasn't set in that I will never see him ever again. Is this normal? How do you get over something like this? Do you think that therapy would be a beneficial option? How many of you went through therapy after a death of someone close to you?
I still feel like I see him every once and a while. It's weird. I see him in complete strangers occasionally. When it first happened, I burst into tears in the middle of a movie theater and my friend had to escort me out! I really do feel his presence. I walked by his house today and was half-expecting him to run out and greet me like he always did.

((((((Sweetie))))))
I am so so sorry for your loss. What your feeling is normal, you are normal. I think it is safe to say that he knew how many people were there at the funeral. My dh's grandfather committed suicide and he was in his 80's, two years before he lost his wife and just couldn't do it without her. My fil found him (mil and fil lived with them) in the garage with the car running. A few months before he came up here and stayed with us for about a week to see all his grandkids and greatgrand kids, we even had the chance to have a suprize birthday party for him. He was full of life and loved every minute of his time with all of us. In hindsight, my dh said that when he left, he was crying which was not like him at all. He would talk to me about things he should have been talking with his son about, but I think he trusted me and felt comfortable talking with me and I was honored. My dh still thinks about it once in a while and in the beginning he was angry with him for what he called taking the easy way out. But it can't be easy. Even tho he had a loving caring family around him, he wanted to be with his sweet wife
Yes, grief therapy is something you might want to look into. Contact your local Hospice and they will be able to put you in touch with a grief counselor. Another thing is journaling your feelings, just write down everyday how you feel, what you did, anything that helps.
losing someone to Suicide is hard because like you said, you don't expect it. Is there a family member of his you can talk to or another of his friends? Sometimes just sitting and talking and yes, crying helps. It gives everyone a chance to remember, to laugh and to cry.
Please know that we all care and the ladies here are wonderful and caring. Also know that a thousand and one cyber hugs are being sent your way.
Please let us know how your doing and know you can post here and vent, cry yell and scream all you want. However, we don't allow the aforementioned done naked. lol
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo
(((((Chelbel72006))))), I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss.
Thank you both so much!
I actually made an appointment today with a grief counselor...
We'll see how that goes. I'm not one to typically want to share my feelings with others face-to-face. But, I really do believe that it's what I need right now. I have started a Journal, buuut sometimes i just get lazy and forget to write in it :)
Thanks for the support, I will probably post my progress up here from time to time.
-chelsea
Hi there,
First off let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my best friend since freshman year of high school to suicide in 2002. I completely understand pretty much everything you're going through.
Leah has lots of emotional and mental issues and had tried to commit suicide once when we were in high school. We all always kind of thought of her as a drama queen but into our 20's and after her mother died things got worse. She was in a relationship and ended up getting pregnant and having a gorgeous baby girl. They ended their relationship but she seemed obsessed with him. It was one of those very tumultuous relationships and they were better off apart, however, it just sent her into a tailspin. She tried to commit suicide again in January of 2002 and her ex found her and she survived. It was really the only time I've ever been really mad at her. She came for a visit a few months after that and I had almost convinced her to move back home but she was worried about the situation with her daughter. When she went home things got so bad with her drinking that she called me every night at like 2 am to talk. I finally started turning off my ringers and turning down the answering machine because I couldn't function on having no sleep. The night she died her sister-in-law called me and I didn't answer the phone. It rang and rang and rang and all the time I thought it was Leah. When I finally picked up the phone after about the 50th time I found out that Leah had in fact committed suicide this time.
It was such a shock. I don't harbor any guilt from her death (my boyfriend committed suicide a year later and I had so much guilt) so I guess I'm lucky that way but the emotions were so much different from when my father died. I struggled for years, and still do, with how to react and how to deal with it. On the one hand it's incredibly selfish for someone to committ suicide. Don't they realize all the people they're leaving behind to deal with their death and all the questions they'll have?
My answer is that they may or may not realize that they're incredibly loved but the mental anguish they're going through at that time overrides any thoughts of happiness or the people in their life. I believe that most people who committ suicide are just trying to get the pain behind them. I think that most people have an inner strength to them (and if you haven't already realized it, you will through this healing process) but there are just some that don't or can't believe in themselves enough to find it. It's hard for those who don't deal with mental issues to understand but they truly believe in their minds that everyone would be better off without them. I know that Leah told me several times that she thought her daughter would have a better life without her.
Going through this is going to be tough for you but it will get better eventually. Individual therapy helps but I would highly suggest finding a survivors of suicide support group in your area. I know it may seems strange at first because most people who go have lost a blood relative or a husband/wife and it almost seems silly that you're there about a friend but to me friends are family whether they're blood or not and you have just as much right to grieve him as you would if he were your real brother. And everyone at the group will be going through the same thing. It's nice to know you're not alone.
Also, I'd highly recommend reading No Time To Say Goodbye by Carla Fine and Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. Kay Jamison suffers from manic depression so while she's a psychiatrist and speaks partly from the medical sense she also knows what it's like to deal with thoughts and attempts of suicide and her books are incredibly helpful.
If you need to talk anytime, feel free to e-mail me through my profile. again, I'm sorry you have to go through this but you will get through it.
Julie
p.s. Barb, thanks for your e-mail. Good luck with your move!
((Hugs))
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your close friend.
Suicide, although I have not dealt with it directly, has to be one of the hardest things to understand and to accept. It's hard to admit a healthy, young man is gone by his own actions. Regardless of how close you had been recently he left a mark on your heart and therefore it will be difficult for you to grieve for this. I wish I could offer you more advice on dealing with a suicide... I can only tell you that I understand unexpected loss and how hard it is.
I lost my 20 year old boyfriend in November (partly by his own hand). The unexpectedness of it has been the most troubling thing for me to accept. The words I never got to say, the life that could of been... it's all very difficult. I struggle every day to be positive and move forward with my life... and I miss him horribly. But I am doing it... I have found a place were I am content in grieving and how this process will guide itself in time.
Even now, almost 6 months later, I still light up inside if I see his make/model of car driving down the street. Part of me doesn't believe he's really gone. With time, this feeling is fading. I think it's perfectly normal to not really believe he is gone... part of the grieving process is denial.. because your loss is so new, it makes sense that it hasn't "sunk" in yet. The numbness you are experiencing is normal. With time it will wear off... you will be left with accepting that he is gone but memories and love to remember him by.
I have found talking to a grief counsilor to be VERY beneficial, especially in explaining the grieving process, and for advice on how to deal with certain emotions I have over the loss. I see that you have made an appointment and I hope that you find comfort in talking with someone. It takes a couple session to really feel comfortable and open up, but once you find the right counsilor and the right comfort level, it could be really helpful.
I know it is hard to grieve for someone so young, but know that a lot of women here understand and care. If all you wish to do is talk about your friend, know that we are all ready to listen.
((hugs))
Chelbel72006, I am so terribly sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your friend. What a terrible heartbreak, and so very young. My deepest condolences go out to you, and to all who knew and loved Ryan.
The advice and suggestions offered by the kind and caring ladies here is all excellent, and I really cant add much, except to say that I know first hand the particular difficulties in dealing with a death by suicide.
Any sudden death is traumatic, but death that is "chosen" is particularly hard to deal with. The act of suicide over-rides the most powerful of human instincts - the will to survive. This defies our understanding, and brings many troubling and painful questions, most of which unfortunately there is no clear answer for.
Jewel summed it up very well, the feelings of hopelessness and desperation that leads to this tragic end of a life. The books she's mentioned are excellent and there are others referenced here on the site as well that many have found of great comfort and guidance.
Because of the troubling complexities and intense fallout, all of the typical stages of grieving will often take longer when dealing with death by suicide. This is known as "complicated grief."
To share with you my own story of this complicated grief --
My youngest adult son ended his life in July/05,..he was 34. Though he'd been deeply troubled for a very long time, nothing "seemed" out of the ordinary, there were no warnings that would cause alarm. On what was otherwise a very typical day..his urges to escape his inner pain somehow reached a flashpoint within, and were tragically acted upon. Without even a last glance, he walked past me, and hanged himself in our back yard. I discovered him within minutes, and he was eventually revived, but sadly his injuries were too great, and he was removed from life support four days later.
I'd lost other loved ones in my life.. but nothing prepared me for the type of grief and sorrow that followed.
I was shattered to my core, wracked with guilt and tormented with all the gut- wrenching "whys" and "if-onlys" that follow death by suicide. The early days were a time of unbearable pain. I even resented people's laughter. There would be no more laughter in my world, I believed. My heart felt like stone.
One can never "get over" the profound loss of a loved one.
Some things are just changed forever. For me, everything is, and will be more "subdued" in life, I realize this.
But healing, future happiness, peace and acceptance are all obtainable, with time, and supportive caring and sharing from any available avenues that are found to help. This varies of course with each individual, as does the time frame needed to work through the vast ranges of emotions
For myself...it's been 21 months since our dear Kevin left us, and I believe I'm now in the last stage of grieving - which is acceptance. I once thought I couldnt ever get there - I feel now I "am" there.
There will always be setbacks and emotional triggers that sweep a person back to grief and pain, intense longing for their lost loved one... no matter how long it's been.
These aside.. I feel happiness, I feel peaceful,(mostly) I feel optimisnm, and see the beauty in the world. I laugh. My heart feels love, and as much as its possible.. feels healed. --
For you, its so very early yet. You will need much more time and assistance to help you along the way to your own healing, and to understanding. It will eventually come.. In the meantime..let others help you, reach out to them. Get those thoughts and feeings out, and take all the time you need to grieve Ryan's death. The idea suggested of doing something special to honour his memory is a wonderful one, something to perhaps consider at a later date.
I'm so glad to hear that you have made a counselling appt. As for your journal.. there is no need to feel you must write in it on any kind of schedule. Use this method only when you feel the desire to enter your thoughts.
I send you caring thoughts and tender wishes as you work through this difficult time in your life. Please let us know how you are doing, and feel free to email me through my profile at any time, if you would care to talk further.
With gentle (((( hugs))))going out to you
Patricia
I am so sorry about Ryan. What a loss for you!
Suicide is so difficult to understand. I am glad that the people responded so lovingly to you.
Chelbel says:
Has anyone ever experienced this type of loss before? I've been close to many people who were sick with cancer and passed, but it was expected and we all prepared for it. Ryan's death was completely out-of-the-blue. I feel like he is more on a long trip than anything else... It's been about a month and it still hasn't set in that I will never see him ever again. Is this normal? How do you get over something like this? Do you think that therapy would be a beneficial option? How many of you went through therapy after a death of someone close to you?
Hi Chelbel,
My heart goes out to you. I am here because I just lost one of my best friends, but seven years ago, I lost another best friend to suicide.
It's a difficult loss to bear as we are left with so many questions. I didn't know it was coming and was shocked when it happened. My way of getting over it was grieving (I wish I knew about this board back then) and talking to friends and getting on with my life with fond memories of my dear friend Karen. I thought of her and how full of life she was and I knew that she would have wanted me to be the same. All situations are different and what you are feeling isn't abnormal. Everyone grieves in their own way.
I've been to therapy before, but not grief therapy. I find therapy beneficial as an objective opinion was invaluable to me and helped me to make my life better. But that's a personal choice.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You came to the right place, this board is full of really nice people. The important thing is to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Luv