My friends - losing them all

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
My friends - losing them all
3
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 11:45am

I have always prided myself on being a strong independent woman and that commitment to maintain that seems to be eating up all my friendships even my very best friend whom I always trusted to be on my side and he has done the worst kind of violation of that trust.

My friend from work and I are slowly parting ways and he called me on Saturday night and he was real grouchy which is fine because we all can't be in a perfect mood right? He sent an apology text yesterday morning saying there was no excuse for his behavior BUT I will be perfectly honest while we chatted on the phone I knew that we would never be what I wanted us to be. He just hasn't taken a step outside of that safety zone in the time that we have chatted and if it isn't going to happen in 18 months it isn't going to happen. Sorry Miriam but I tried but for my own sanity I need to digress and move on. I tried though and proud of what he did accomplish during our friendship. Of course, we have to remain in touch due to work BUT it will be minimal enough for me to heal over this.

NOW the real loss is my very best friend. I wrote of him before and lately we have been misfiring and I didn't worry too much about it because at times people are going to have some distance even the closest of friends like him and I. He called yesterday afternoon and discussed the fact that he doesn't answer my emails anymore and I sent a final one to him saying that I would NOT send anymore emails. He said the one right before that was a difficult for him (I wrote some very personal stuff in regards to my disability and how frustrated I was about how people perceive me...and how I want to be more than a cripple). He said he forwarded it to his friend H who works for him. They both read it together and didn't know what to say so he said he didn't bother to respond. I WAS LIVID that he would share my personal email with her. I started to cry and asked him how many emails he shares with her and he sarcastically said 0. I then told him that I needed to hang up because I was so upset over it. I called him back a few minutes later to let him know that he violated my trust in the worst way and he didn't answer the phone. I left a calm voice mail message indicating that I didn't know how to process this information and how being a strong woman and wanting to maintain my dignity how I could possibly allow him back in my life as my friend without the trust. We have been friends for 13 years and I have lately had the feeling that he was embarrassed by me due to the disability and I told him so on the voice mail and how I thought he probably sat there with H and laughed at me about the whole email. I still believe that he did that. I don't know how to get all of what we had back after this. I think I have to lose him to be the woman that I am. To practice what I preach. To let him know that what he did was very wrong. and part of me thinks I am overreacting to this situation. I know that it's been a long time coming because he is very selfish and uses people...he just never used me. I can't imagine my life without him.

I am curiously calm about it today. I cried for a very short period of time and have not since. I slept well and know that I need some time to decide what I want from him going forward. But if he goes it will be a huge loss.....even if I make the decision to let him go.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 1:56pm

((((Kiki))))), your words powerfully convey the pain of these two experiences.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:17pm

Oh Kiki


I am so sorry that you have been through this! How are you doing today?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:55am
Dear Kiki,
It is always sad to lose a good friend but who needs friends that laugh at you. You can do better, just don't let it get you down, I know that is easier said than done. But you have to take care of yourself, your health is important. You are in my prayers, let me now how you are doing,o.k.?
Deborah
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