My son passed away nearly 2 years ago...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
My son passed away nearly 2 years ago...
8
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:38am
On the morning of November 27 th, 2005, I awoke to my parents screaming, so I got up to see what all the commotion was about!!! To my shock, I found my 18 year old son face first not breathing on the living room floor, & my parents were trying everything they could do to awake him to no avail, so naturally I immediately called 911 & the operator wanted me to perform CPR on my precious, lifeless, son but he was way too heavy to turn over!!! Luckily we live on a street that does have an fire station on the corner so it only took the paramedics a few minute minutes to get here, so they tried everything they could do, but they pronouced him dead right there on our living room floor!!! Apparently my son had a seizure while he was sleeping, & he NEVER regained conciousness!!! He did have epilepsy, but he NEVER seemed to have seizures while he was awake!!! No wonder he was afraid to go to sleep @ night because he knew if he had another seizure while he was sleeping, that he might NEVER awake again!!! It is almost like he had a premonition that something like that was going to happen!!! I guess that he was a prisioner in his own body all of his life, but it didn't seem to get worse until he turned 18!!! He passed away on the Sunday that followed Thanksgiving so that made for a lousy Christmas!!! No matter how I tried, I could not get into the Christmas Spirit @ all, & I had to because I STILL had one more younger son to think of!!! My younger son was just 10 years old when his older brother passed away @ only 18 years of age!!! Now the very next day was very heartbreaking for me because I had to go to his high school, my son was a senior & he was due to graduate the following May of 06!!! I had to go & rehash that my son had passed away in his sleep the day before!!! I went to his high school on the following Monday to let everyone know!!! I couldn't hold back my tears, I must of made a major fool of myself, but they needed to know that my beloved Andrew would NOT be coming back!!! The high school receptionist was a very good & dear friend to my son, & she couldn't hold back the tears either!!! My sons high school went way beyond the call of duty!!! They held a fundraiser in his honor to help me with funds so that I could get him creamated, & there was enough left over for me to pick out a very special urn to have his ashes pit in!!! Not only did they do that for me, they also lent me there high school auditorium so that I could have his memorial services there on December 7th, 2005!!! I am sure that my beloved Andrew was smiling from Heaven & loving what his beloved high school had done for him!!! Then a few moths later, the following May 22 nd 0f 06, I was invited to attend the baccaluarate thingy that they have for the high school seniors, & this part is a real tearjerker!!! The Principle presented me with my sons high school diploma, his cap & tassles, a yearbook that the students signed, & this part just tears me apart, the principle presented me with the highly coveted principle's award!!! That was a plaque with my sons name engraved on it!!! He was the only student to have recieved it in his whole school!!! That just totally blew me away!!! I was crying like a baby!!! Naturally the principle wanted me to say a few words on my sons behalf, but I was soooo emotional that all I could say was thank you for everything that they did for Andrew & thank you everyone for attending this event!!! I must of made a fool of myself, but I was more then happy to do it for my son!!! It was heartbreaking because even though Andrew did not live to see his high school graduation, they still saw to it that I recieved his high school diploma!!! I STILL to this day remember how much he was looking foward to it & so was I because I NEVER got the chance to graduate myself & that would of meant the world to me!!! Now I only have one more son who will not graduate for another 6 years, so I guess that I will have to wait until I get to see him graduate hopefully!!! So that is my story!!! Let me know what you think!!! I have been doing research online about seizures, & it seems to me that my son might of had a seizure called nocturnal seizures, because he only had them when he was sleeping, never when he was awake!!! Let me know if I am right because to this very day, I STILL do not have any closer to his death!!! Thank you soooo much for taking the time to read my story!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 8:36am

Sending you lots of hugs!


I am so sorry that your dear son Andy passed away at the tender age of 18. It must be difficult to stay focused on your younger son, to be sure that he is supported through this too.


I do not have any personal experience with Epilepsy, but iVillage does have a board that you might find helpful. The folks there might be able to answer your questions, although I do hope that your son'r doctor(s) were able to explain some of it too.


Just click on this name, Epilepsy & Seizures, and you will open the link to this board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 3:20pm

Welcome to our board. My heart aches for your loss. Elise gave you a great board to check out.


Have you gone to Compassionate Friends or grief counselling?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 8:11pm
Sadly, there are no Compassionate Friends Support Groups where I live in Fort Mohave, Arizona!!! Yes, I have gone to grief counseling, but I only went once sooo far, & I haven't had the chance to go back because my life has been very unpredictable when my other son who is 12 now had ADHD, & is very hard to control, but I have him seeing a psychiatrist once a month to get him medicated!!! Currently he is taking ritalin, clonidine, & depakote!!! Thank you for responding to my rather long message!!! Have a great day!!! Take care!!! Melissa Ann Smith
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:13pm

Hi again Melissa


I understand about other obligations. My sister lived with us, and 4 days after my Magpie was born, Geri had a stroke. From then until she died, I was running between her and the baby. My other girl was a little lost, I am afraid. Then, after Geri died, I still had an infant. It was a while before I could do anything to help myself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 9:01pm
So sorry to read your sad story. Maybe your son's doctor can give you the closure and info you are looking for, just know it was not your fault and it is NOT making a fool out of yourself showing emotion. Maybe your other son's issues are more about losing his brother???????????? Just a thought. Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 4:31pm

Dear Melissa,
You have come to the right place, exspecially to vent your frustions about grief.We here have all lost some one and have the need to talk to some one who is willing to listen and maybe be able to help. The ladies here are so nice and caring. This I know because I too came looking for help, help to understand the pain I was and still trying to work through over losing my son Kevin. Kevin drown on June 16,2002(fathers day), a day that will live with me forever. I am so sorry about your son dying too soon, We are never ready to let them go at any age, right?I think the way your son's school honored your son with all the graduation celebration, giving you the diploma, I know you felt special, but I know you would give it all back if only your son could be here,right? This is what every parent wishes for, a way to bring them back or keep them here with us. But remember you will always have a part of your son in your heart, thats where he lives now, not in some horrible place of being forgotten. Please take care of yourself, I know you have a younger son to care for but you must make time for you, so you can heal.It sounds like you had alot of people who care alot about your son and was there to honor him, take comfort in knowing just how much he was loved.

Smile, he is only away for awhile......

Don't think of him as gone away--
His journey's just begun;
life holds so many facets--
this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years
Think how he must be wishing
that we could know, today,
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of him living
in the hearts of those he touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost--
and he was loved so much.

Author: Ellen Brenneman

I hope you I liked the poem, it was from one of my recent Compassionate Friends newsletter, I am sorry that you are not able to attend one of our meetings but you can see them on the computer, just look for, tcfswla@hotmail.com of course this is a site for Loisiana, just put in your state instead of "la", I wish you a great healing, Deborah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:15pm
I lost my 16 year old son, Alvin in a vehicle accident on August 8, 2002. He was working a summer job in a small town next to ours and got off work and was headed to the lake where we had our camper. I had gone to the school that morning and picked up his schedule for school - he was about to start his Junior year. My daughter Autumn and I were coming back from the local college where we had got her registered for her fall classes. Everything was as perfect as could be until the phone call and our world turned upside down. It was 2 days after his sister turned 21. I have been told it will get easier and I know it must, but many days are as fresh as the first day. Our family has gone through counciling. I believe it has helped my daughter. Autumn was an honor student until her brother died and then she did change. We were all going through such a horrible, unexplainable time. Autumn told me which made a lot of sense to me when I thought about it - Mom, I don't know what it feels like to loose a child - because I have never had a child, but you don't know what it feels like to loose a little brother an only - little brother. Autumn was right. I knew she was facing a big fear. My husband and I are older parents. My daughter not only lost her sibling - she lost the only one that she had to be with when the time came to face her parents death. My husband and I were not the only ones cheated out of nature's time line - where parents are suppose to die before their children. The children are suppose to be together when the parents die, so they may face that time together - now my daughter will be alone.
Each day is a struggle for me and my husband. My daughter is out of college and persuing her career. I know she worries about us and I wish I could take that away from her but I can't. I feel we are still lucky in the fact we loved and love our son and he knew this every day. He was happy and loved by many. The baseball coach at his school was at the hospital by the time we got there and looked up. Coach Stafford and the baseball team was Alvin's Honorary Pall Bearers. Coach Stafford retired my son's baseball number. Coach gave me Alvin's white jersey and his black and red jersey hangs in the gym. My son was killed instantly, so the State Troopers said. My husband explains it as: I know God did not do this, but I know God was there to lift Alvin up. The night before Alvin died he told me that he told a young girl that he worked with that God was his Savior and he loved God. This girl was trying to tell my son about Wica and Alvin told her he wanted nothing to do with that. I feel God; family; friends; community and even strangers can help parents and siblings in the death of a loved one. My sons' friends are in college or married and they check on me and come by and give me a hug. For Mothers Day one of his best friends brought me roses, just to let me know she was thinking of me and had not and would not ever forget him. Things like this makes you realize how your child has touched someones life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 11:11am

First and foremost NEVER NEVER think you looked the fool. You were a mother who lost her son and for that you can NEVER NEVER look the fool. I am so sorry for your loss. Your son's high school was remarkable and it sounds like it gave you much peace in how they reacted to his death. We find the wonder of people in situations like this and I am a firm believer that is why death is an important part of our lives. Without it we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good that life has to offer.

I am glad you found us here. They are phenomenal here in the support and the love so stick around.

As far as closure...I think we don't ever have closure and maybe you shouldn't try so hard to find it. The research is good and who knows it may steer you in a direction that could be life changing for you. Death is the closure and how we react to it is how we show our true character.

Good Luck and many hugs!!

Kiki