Remembering my Dad's Birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Remembering my Dad's Birthday
3
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:44pm
On Saturday, it was my Dad's 82nd Birthday. I went out to visit his grave. I don't know if people thought I was crazy or not, but I sang "Happy Birthday", to him, and I told him how much I loved him and missed him, and I kissed his gravestone. I don't drive so my Son_in-law took me there, along with my Daughter and my Husband. I kind of wish that I could just sit there and stay with him, for awhile, but they didn't want to stay too long, a few minutes. It was so hard to leave. It was comforting to be there with him, but it hurt to leave him so darn bad. I held it all in, I cried alot during that day after I got home, mostly in my room, at night. I had to keep my emotions in check though, because it was my 2 Son's Birthday party. They wanted to have it on my Dad's Birthday, because they thought their Grandpa would like that. They made a special chair up for him, and everything. They toasted to their Grandpa. My middle Son, kept telling me that he cried at the funeral when Grandpa died, but he wouldn't let people see him cry. He wonders why he can't let people see him cry. I really didn't know what to say to him, other than he might be a more private person, and maybe also because of what happened to him in the past. He was sexually abused by what we thought was our best friend, but as it turned out, he was a pedofile, molesting all the kids around him. It was very horrifying to discover that about this man that we thought was a good person. My Sons bravely told what happened to them, and he was sent to prison. The man then confessed to abusing 62 children, probably so he could get a plea bargain, and not have to serve as much time. He did get 17 years. It makes me sick to my stomach still, that I trusted this man, and he was doing this. I lost my faith and trust in people. Anyway, it was a very, very difficult time. My Family has never been the same. We did go into counseling, but with budget cuts and all, they stopped the counseling for my family, so we never went back. I think he still needs to do some follow-up counseling...Anyway, I think that could be why he hides his feelings. My Dad's death has also upset my 5 year old Granddaughter's, she is acting up in school, hitting her teacher, and having temper tantrums. So I am trying to get her into a grief counseling, because she has lost 2 people in 5 months time, that she was very, very close too, and she misses them both so much...I take care of her all the time, but sometimes I feel like I don't want to get out of bed or even leave my room, but I can't because I have her, and I have to push myself to get up and get her off to school. Sometimes, I keep going through step by step in my head, as to what I should do next, pretty soon, the day is over. Anyway, I try my best to get through each day without my Dad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 6:04am

I think singing Happy Birthday to your dad was so appropriate, so was the chair at the party. Your local hospice, should there be one nearby, may have grief counseling for kids. You can also check with your local police about sexual abuse groups. (We also have a board on ivillage that might be of help in finding resources for your son.


http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhabuse/0,,8qgbtgj8,00.html


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:24pm
You know I think what you did by singing Happy Birthday to your Dad was very moving and I don't see anything wrong with it either. I know we did when my son died in June 2002. His birthday was the following Sept. and we made a cake and put candles on it and brought it to the cementery. We sang Happy Birthday to him and even ate the cake and sat and talk about our wonderful memories of Kevin. It was my way of dealing with losing my child. I have learned that every one deals with grief in a different way and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I hope you are able to find help for your son's. I hear you saying that you are having a hard time in getting up every day to care for your granddaughter, this to me is depression, you may need to see a doctor and get some medication. It may help you get thru the worst part of your grief and let you get some rest. I will keep you in my prayers, please don't give up. Also, please feel free to vent here any time. We will be here for you.
Deborah
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:38pm

((((((nitegirl99)))))

What a nice thing for you do to. I definitely don't think that you are crazy at all. I believe that you must do what you feel in your heart, and if going to visit your dad and singing to him on his birthday makes you feel good, then you go right ahead and do it. What a lovely gesture on your sons' part to suggest to celebrate their birthday with grandpa. He must be very proud of his daughter and grandsons, and I am sure that he is looking down and being so proud of his daughter and grandsons.

I am very sorry that your sons had to go through such a horrible and disqusting act. I don't know where you reside, but here in Canada we have medicare and if you go private for councelling it does cost money, but if you go through the hospital you don't pay anything at all.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and know that you are not alone, as the women here on this board are very supportive. So when you need a soft place to fall, just post here on the board and we will be here for you.

Love,
Miriam

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