New "Widow"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
New "Widow"
33
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 3:32pm

Hello, I am new to this message board.  A friend at the fibro board recommended I check you out.  My husband just passed away 2 weeks ago and I am going crazy without him.  We have been married for 20 years and have a total of 7 kids between us. He is just 57 and I am only 44.  He had been fighting throat cancer and we thought he was starting to do good.  The cancer ate at the wall of the artery running through his throat and it ruptured.  He basically died from blood loss here in our dining room.  Our youngest child(son) was home at the time and we are both having a very difficult time with this.  He graduates from high school in just 3 weeks. I want to be in the casket with my husband but because of the kids I am not.  I can't imagine life without him.  We did everything together.  My family has not ben any type of support.  They didn't even bother to come to his funeral.  But they say they loved him.  We had moved to another state just a yar and a half ago and so we don;t really know anyone yet.  My family being the way they are is making things sooo much worse. I have never felt so alone before.  I always had my husband so I wasn't alone but now he is gone.  Will I ever learn to live again? I need all the help I can get!!


Thank you,

Linda

Linda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 6:19pm

Linda,
I want to offer my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I am new to the board too and probably don't have the 'right' words but you may be having the same experience I am in that there are no right words at these times. I hope you find some solace here on this board. I'm also going to explore a group of 'newly bereaved' at the local Hospice so if you feel up to checking in with your local Hospice, there might be something for you (and likely your children) there.

Hugs to you in these difficult days.

Peg




Edited 6/5/2007 7:09 pm ET by p7eggyc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:58pm

My deepest sympathies to you and your children Linda. There is never a good time for death to take a loved one and you have the added stresses of being far away from family and having all the kids to help through this too.


Here is some information that you might find helpful...


http://emotional.health.ivillage.com/copingwith/deathdying.cfm


Of course you are welcome to visit here as often as needed. The support from other members is awesome!


You mentioned the Fibro board, something I am familiar with; do you also have it? If so, you know that stress can greatly increase your pain levels, so please see your doctor and let him/her know that you need some extra help as you work through this trying time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:41am

Hi Linda,


I am so sorry about your husband!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 2:34pm

Dear Linda,

My heart goes out to you in this emotional time, there are no words that I can say that will help, but I am so sorry for your loss. My son died almost five years ago and I still can't believe that he is gone. It is always hard to go through some thing without your family's support and I am sorry you are not getting the support you need.
My husband and I have been married for almost eighteen years and I can imagine life without him, we have been best friends since we met. His father died two years ago, his Mother has been through what you are going through. His father had colon cancer, but died of a heart attack in their bed. She left the house and didn't stay there for almost a year. Within a month we were hit with a major Hurricane "Rita" and had to evacuate for almost a month. Luckly she didn't have to much damage. She is now learning to be by her self, and that life still goes on. And yes she cried all the time, but that is very normal. God gives us tears to heal the soul. But at first she didn't know what to do, she was devasted, her life partner of fifty years was gone.
It will take time, don't try to figure every thing out at once. Grief is not some thing you get over!!! It is somet thing that you will learn to live with, and except that life does go on, as painful as that is. You will be in my prayers, and please feel free to vent here any time. We are here to help each other in our time of grief.

May God Bless You
~Deborah~

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Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:01pm

Linda, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is almost unbearable to even THINK of the word "widow", let alone call yourself that, isn't it? I know it still is for me.

We go through the terrible experience of seeing our beloved husbands suffer with such an awful disease and then we have to deal with the aftermath -- being without them. It is just so much. And like you wrote, you wonder if you will ever be able to live again?

Like someone said, the first 6 months are the worst. It was just 6 months ago the 3rd that I lost my husband. I know things will never be the same, and I still go through some really rough times, but I am doing better.

Like you, I have no family living near me. I have my son & a niece living in the same state but in different cities. My sisters, brothers, etc all live in other states. And just moved to this area a little over a yr ago. I live with our 4 dogs now. If it weren't for them I probably would have stayed in bed --might still be there -- but I had to get up to take care of them. I also see a Hospice therapist which helps me a great deal...you might want to look into this since you need support right now & are not near family or any long-time friends. It's free. You can go once see what you think, if it's for you or not.

Life does go on...but right now, you just need to focus on one day at a time. Take care of yourself.

I am happy you came to this board. The times I felt I was losing my mind, the women here helped me pull through. There is so much true understanding & support here so please come back & allow yourself to be helped through this most difficult time in your life.

You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:33pm

Thank you so much Karen, It is extremely difficult as you well know.

Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:00am
Oh Linda , I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband and know how hard it is to go on. My precious Rich was 48 when he passed away on 9/25/03. I like you wanted to crawl in the casket. We met when we were 12 and were always together. The only reason I go on is for my kids and grandkids. It'sad that you don't have much family support, it does help keep you going.If you would

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Avatar for klmuc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:04am

Oh Linda, it's hard to find a reason to live...it's hard to find a reason to get up in the morning...everything is just so hard. My heart is aching for you.

I had a couple incidents with Hospice -- but when I was at the point I just felt I was totally losing it I figured I'd give their counselor a try, figured he worked for Hospice but he's a therapist not part of the medical team I'd had difficulty with. And if it didn't feel right for me I'd go find another resource. Thankfully, in my case, it's worked out well.

I clicked on your profile so I could send you an email -- I sent you my address so please email me if you would like to.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:07am

Thank you Mary.

Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:27pm

Hi Linda


I am Beth, one of the cls here. I am glad that you found us, and I bet you have already figured out that we are a "soft place to land"


I am so sorry for your loss. I urge you to contact a bereavement group. A hospice, clergy person or even the funeral director might know of some.


Please know that you are welcome here


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