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| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 3:32pm |
Hello, I am new to this message board. A friend at the fibro board recommended I check you out. My husband just passed away 2 weeks ago and I am going crazy without him. We have been married for 20 years and have a total of 7 kids between us. He is just 57 and I am only 44. He had been fighting throat cancer and we thought he was starting to do good. The cancer ate at the wall of the artery running through his throat and it ruptured. He basically died from blood loss here in our dining room. Our youngest child(son) was home at the time and we are both having a very difficult time with this. He graduates from high school in just 3 weeks. I want to be in the casket with my husband but because of the kids I am not. I can't imagine life without him. We did everything together. My family has not ben any type of support. They didn't even bother to come to his funeral. But they say they loved him. We had moved to another state just a yar and a half ago and so we don;t really know anyone yet. My family being the way they are is making things sooo much worse. I have never felt so alone before. I always had my husband so I wasn't alone but now he is gone. Will I ever learn to live again? I need all the help I can get!!
Thank you,
Linda

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Steph, I am so terribly sorry to read of your husband's health issues.
Hi Linda,
Misery loves company so they say.
Boy, I can relate to your frustration more than I'd like to admit. My husband died the week before Thanksgiving of a brain aneurysm. I have a 16-year-old son. No family to speack of.
My husband of 25 years was 56. I turned 51 in March. We receive survivor's benefits until my son turns 18, that will be October 2008. After that I'm on my own.
When the "shock" set in I was told by Railroad Retirement (their version of Social Security) to quit feeling sorry for myself, I have almost two years go get back on my feet. Okay, so then what. There is no way I will find a job with benefits that will enable me to support myself and keep my home. I can relate to just about everything in your post. The world doesn't want to deal with our problems. They want us to figure it out ourselves. I suppose I should be grateful my son wasn't 17 years and 11 months old when this happened.
I was told by a well meaning relative who deposited $10,000 into my savings account for emergency use to save any money left over at the end of the month. That worked well for the first four months while I still had health insurance. Now I have to pay $934 a month for the COBRA we "get" (how come you pay for something you "get" - that is half of my benefit. For the past 4 months I have been dipping into that cushion to make all my bills - and that is with a clean slate, no interest. I'll never be able to keep up. I am self-employed and get paid production. Right now I'm not able to make enough to even keep my vehicle in gas.
I also have a lot of questionable years ahead of me. I will be 52 when the benefits stop. They won't pick up again until I am 67. Unless I more gone than I thought that is 15 years. All that with 33 years on the job. The real kicker is if I were lucky enough to find love again and remarry I would lose the benefits he was entitled to.
Life really does suck sometimes.
Too bad I'm in Michigan, we could keep each other company in the soup kitchen lines.
Hi eadill,
I believe this post was suppose to be sent to Linda, as you emailed it to me.
Have a good day,
(((((hugs))))
Miriam
Hello again Linda,
I was just reading your reply to Barb's reply .... (sounds like a circle)
From what I remember when my husband, a Vietnam vet also, in November, the benefit the VA pays is not very much. We did get the flag - whoppie. I passed up the marker because I hope to be buried with him and they wouldn't put me on the same marker so so much for that. He did not have VA insurance though. What upset me about it was if I remember correctly there was a net worth or income requirement attached to it. What does that have to do with anything. He still served his country. I too will be destitute soon and could use anything and everything I am entitled to. I feel for the young widows of today's wars who are barely adults themselves.
If you don't mind, a few ideas for stretching what you do have. Since you are connected and obviously resourceful, check out the frugal living sites. They have many ideas including coupons, freebies, sales, etc. I like this one http://www.freelancebyu.com. The woman who started this site started it out of necessity.
Also might want to try local job searches on line where they include on-line surveys for cash and also jobs as secret shoppers. While you won't make a living so to speak, any addition to what we have coming in is better than nothing and it doesn't require much of a committment. You can do it when the kids are napping or you can't sleep.
I also have started listing anything and everything I don't need/use that is still useable, etc., on eBay.
When I shop on line, which isn't much lately, I try to remember to go through www.fatwallet.com. You get rebates in different amounts from accessing retailers through their link.
I know my suggestions aren't the answers to all your prayers, but hopefully will help.
Try to take care of yourself.
Love,
Liz
Thank you for the ideas. What I have done is started a Tupperware business. I did it years ago and made some really good money along with getting a free van. I could use everyones help though. If you know anyone that is looking for Tupperware have them go to my site and I get a commission on anything they buy. The site is my.tupperware.com/tupproach. It just isn't right that we have to go through crap like this at a time like this. I know my husband would be very upset if he knew that life was going to be this bad for us. The VA told me that it could be 6 months or more before they get my app proccessed. The pension is going to be either $700 a month or $1,200 depending on what they approve me for. If we can get the Dr.s to agree that his cancer could have been from exposure to agent orange than I would get the higher amount otherwise it will be the $700.. Right now I would be thrilled with even that!!! My income is $0 right now because I am not old enough to collect my husbands Social Security and I finally got approved for disability but because of a workmans comp settlement 2 yrs ago I am not getting a penny for cash. They are generously giving me health ins coverage. I was never told that by taking a lump sum from comp that this would happen. All I want to do is grieve and I can't even do that!! I still keep thinking he is going to be coming home soon. So many times I have found myself saying that I will check with Tom about something and have to catch myself because I cant check with him about anything anymore. Well, I am running out of space. Thanks Liz, Love Linda
Linda
Good morning Linda,
I couldn't agree with you more about the crap.
If you don't mind my asking, what kind of a benefit through the VA is this. I'm wondering if this is something we might be eligible for that no one told me about.
I had to fight with our insurance over two ambulance company bills. "My Larry" collapsed at work, "eventually" - don't know the whole story there but am very suspicious - EMS was called. They took him to one hospital, stabilized him, and then sent him to a bigger hospital. Of course, it was pouring cats and dogs, and was on the completely opposite side of town that I was unfamiliar with. Before I found the directions on the internet and notified anyone I thought I should, they had moved him. Thank God I had the foresight to pick up my son from school and his employer FINALLY sent someone to get me. I should have known then that it wasn't going to be good.
The insurance company charged "out of network" for the services which left me with over $1,000 in payment due between the two. Excuse me, I said, shall we suspend life support while one finds a phone book to locate a company we can bill as "in network". Yikes.
Now that my insurance ran out and I have to pay half my benefit for my entitled COBRA, $934 a month for what we had, every single month I have to write or call because something is denied or they say we have no coverage, but yet I am paying a fortune. In the meantime, my doctor is upset because my own blood pressure has gone up 40 points.
Larry would be upset too I'm sure that I am in such a mess. We worked darn hard to accummulate what we had. We were far from rich. Living in a working class suburb. I left work 14 years ago because we were working opposite shifts to keep from putting our son in day care and juggling taking care of my elderly mother who lived alone 20 miles away in a bad neighborhood, didn't drive, and had dementia - but thank God not full blown Alzheimer's. She was on SSI so there was no money for help, etc. She counted on my for appointments, shopping, everything. I was missing so much work with a young child, etc. I had no vacation or sick time left when I needed it so I left to do the same at home, medical transcription. At first everything was great. For a couple years I made more than I did in the hospital setting, but eventually had to move mom to a Co-Op close to me. I thought things would be better once she was with more people, etc. Instead she shut herself off from everyone and just sat daily waiting for us to pick her up and spend time with us. She stopped cooking, everything. It was horrible. She is no longer with us and I probably would not do anything any differently - although I have siblings who could have helped - another story. I managed to put into a self-employed IRA those years, but my income had dwindled to less than $10,000 and we know how far that goes today after taxes, etc. I also have no pension of my own to have anyone take away from me (tongue-in-cheek humor). For years I asked my brother, who we considered to be our financial advisor, the "perfect" child, what about life insurance. We were told to not worry about it right now, pay down our bills, our mortgage, and not to worry, we have our 401K's from my husbands job, mine self paid. At somepoint, can't remember some details these days, after Larry turned 50 I took out an AARP policy on my own. Sad/sick - I figured out what I was paying into it and how much that money would be in the bank "if" I could save that money, etc. and went for it. Fortunately/unfortunately, it was only for $25,000 which was only enough to pay everything off. I know that sounds bad, but don't get me wrong I am more than grateful for that - however, now what. Like you the future is a dark and very scarry place. I have never been so terrified. I held Larry together for years in the beginning. He was a mess. He had been through a short marriage, then turned to alcohol. I didn't know him then. Some how, some way, I saw something in him and stuck with him. I must have been a mastacist when I look back at it, but we made it against all odds. We actually started out at the bottom of the bottom. No money, - in fact he was so in debt it was a nightmare. My family didn't want me to marry him, but in the end he was there for me. He never complained about my commitment to my mother, to my working at home, to not being able to take vacations or entertain any longer, etc. We gave up so much to do what we thought was right and now I'm screwed. He was the only man who never abandoned me. Back then I felt self-assured, confident, able to support myself, etc., but now I don't feel like that. Even though most of the decisions were mine we always discussed them. I feel like a child who should be running home for comfort, but there is nowhere to go.
Oh boy, I believe I am rambling. Sorry.
My so-called benefits are through Railroad Retirement - their version of SS. I can only roughly $970 a month before they take away half of every dollar. Lovely. Great incentive to get me back on my feet.
These survivor's benefits stop when my son turns 18 UNLESS he is still in high school. They no longer continue into college. I will be 52 then. I won't be able to tap into the retirement portion until I am 67. I doubt seriously I can panhandle enough in those 15 years to keep this roof from leaking, etc. My summer tax came it was just a few dollars shy of $2,000. Even with the benefits I am short every month and I do not live high on the hog. I cut every immaginable corner I can. Heck, before this is over I will probably be stripping my own copper pipes to make ends meet. Only problem the ends seem to get more distance between them. Even when I go job hunting, fewer and fewer offer benefits, and I'll have to start out at the bottom of the scale which is usually just at or above minimum wage. That won't pay insurance or even put gas the tank, let alone home maintance, food, utilities, etc. Also, once you get one it is harder to look for a better one so you have to be choosey.
Nobody except someone like yourself understands this. I don't have a family to help either. Everyone thinks insurance - well even then, it's not like in the movies. Mine just got me out of debt, it's gone, and before longe I'll be back in debt.
I am so sorry you had to see your husband suffer the way he did. If you were close by we could start our own support group. I can't find anything for middle age (I hate that term) people. I tried one from the funeral home. Mostly were old folks who had lost spouse after long illness. In my situation it was much like an accident, he went to work and never came back. I pray that you somehow find comfort and support to get through this.
I miss him every minute of every day. I still after nearly 8 months think I am going to wake up and find it has all been a bad nightmare and will instinctly know how to prepare for the future to keep this from happening again.
Everyone says it gets better with time, but I don't know.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Liz
Good Morning to you too Liz,
I can totally relate to you!! The benefit from the VA is because my husband was a Vietnam vet and had been over there. They have a pension that is based on need. Because I have no income at all I would qualify due to his service for at least $700 a month. If the Dr.s will verify that his cancer could have been from exposure to agnt orange than it will be $1,200 a month. Of course if I can make any money at a job I will lose some of the pension. Also, I can't get Social Security or Welfare and that. No matter what I am not going to be able to get out of the very poor class. My mortgage is 428 a onth so how far is 700 going to go? I do have so called family but I decided for my mental health I needed to get away from them and never bother with them again. I have done that so far. They are the absolute worst example of family. When my husband died I got an email from my "sister" telling me to F off. This is the only sister I have and I had always been there for her but it is not to be. I wasn't supposed to be born and so it has always been held against me. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough for them. Even my kids can't stand them. My so called parents have been unbelieveable. I started running away from home at 6yrs old because I knew even then I wasn't wanted. But that is another story. Today has been a very hard day and to be honest all I keep thinking about is how nice it would be to be dead myself. I haven't done it yet because of my 2 youngest kids. They are 18 and 19. They still need me, especially the 18yr old. He is my "little boy". I just cant see any light anywhere. I never thought it would be like this. I just didn't think I would lose Tom this soon. We were married for 20yrs and it didn't sem like it at all. He would still chase me around. I am just waiting for my time to go at this point.
Linda
Linda
Hello again,
I would say good morning, but time will tell. Sorry, am learning to be skeptical.
Thanks for the info about the VA. Just as I suspected with the burial benefit, I'm sure I wouldn't qualify. I don't get how what the vet has accummulated over time, etc., has anything to do with benefits. Not right. Did they not serve their country? After all, this was a decision that some of them did not make for themselves and others were just boys, not really men yet when they served.
Had to skip my own doctor's appointment - it had been rescheduled once by doctor and I didn't realize it coincided with 16-year-old's community service. No one else to take him and important he do this too. He has to do 10 hours, amongst 7 months probation, essays, volunteering with kids, etc. - to get misdemeanor off record for skateboarding on private property. This is why there are no resources where people really need them. While my husband and I would definitely have punished our son if we had been given the chance - instead this has dragged on for over a year with court time, etc. What a waste of taxpayers money! And now our governor wants to lower the sentences on some felonies to make room in the prisons for more felons. I just don't get it. Maybe I am an imbicile. This innocent act of poor judgement has hurt our family so much. Instead of being on what would have been our last family get away together, my huaband went fishing alone while my son and I went to court. Now that is what I call justice.
Sorry.
Hope you are feeling better than I am.
Today is the 8th month anniversay of the day my husband collapsed. I doubt anyone remembers.
Linda, I know you are desparate for resources, ideas, etc., on how to get by, etc., have you thought about contacting the media with your story. There may be some resources set aside by some wealthy benefactors for situations like this - to help you out until you get back on your feet. Even churches other than your own denomination, Salvation Army, homeless shelters, etc. Just an idea.
Take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Liz
Linda, I did a little research to see if I could find some more help for you.
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