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| Sat, 06-09-2007 - 12:07pm |
Hi folks..
I am new here as of today. I am a 40 y.o. mom of 2 and married to a wonderful man who is awaiting a liver and heart valve transplant as well. December 28th 2006 I heard the worst words in the world. Christopher my 34 year old baby brother was dead from an apparent overdose and genetic heart defect. OMG my beautiful brother who was so pained and survived testicular cancer and 2 years of operations and treatments was gone. I will end this post by post a story I read to my mom and dad at his funeral. My brother had NO IDEA how wonderful funny, handsome and how many friends he had
It’s such a fundamental flaw in human nature that makes a person take their loved ones’ presence for granted-and become complacent with the notion that they will be in their lives forever. With Chris’ sudden death, I find myself feeling so overwhelmingly sorry that there are things that I feel deeply that went unsaid. We have never been a touchy-feely bunch, us Congers- preferring the well-placed jab or left-handed compliment, to actual gushings of love and affection. But because of that flaw most of us are plagued with-we assume there will be plenty of time for the serious stuff. And I know it’s been said before a million times-but for God’s sakes-life is never a guarantee. All we have is right here right now. If you feel something, and you have the opportunity to do so-SAY IT. The uncomfortable way it makes you or your loved one feel will pass. I promise you, it’s a far better thing to spend a few awkward moments professing love, humilty, or forgiveness than to spend an eternity wishing with all your broken heart you had, but didn’t. All we can do when their gone is hope and pray that they knew, and that they took that knowledge with them. That is the fondest wish for my brother. I loved him fiercely with all my heart, and I still can’t get through an hour without breaking down, I miss him so.
I will post the story next because its rather long but a beautiful one and I am sure any who have lost a child will love it in a good and rather hurting way.
What have I learned since Chris' sudden death?
Our cultural training in the states is generally to deny, ignore, and avoid whatever is unpleasant.This therefore leads us deeper into confusion, numbness, by only offering distraction as a solution. I have learned to be upfront with my closest relatives ,friends etc. Not to postpone my happiness for example I will be happy when my husband gets his transplant or when my daughter with downs syndrome learns to read better or when I lose 20 pounds.Difficulties and pain are as much a part of my life as joy and happiness.
It all sounds ridiculous to me now and have found in the past me echoing those very words of if only then..
death is the fiercest teacher of em all. With Chris' sudden death I have learned so much. I miss him terribly but have found some measure of peace lately cause its weird I literally see his face sometimes laughing like he usta be its really weird but it makes me smile and feel so honored to have had him in my life for a while but in my heart forever . NO ONE can take that away from me. This is his gift to me and I will hold onto it till the day I d.

here's the story
Once upon a time there was a little bear who's name was Ted. He was a very special little bear, for his son was the best little boy in the whole world... well, at least in the Beforetime. Today, you see, he was a sad little bear. He sat at the side of the road and looked as though a tear would drown him. He was the scrufiest, muftiest little bear you ever did see, and just by looking at him you would never know how special he was. It just so happened that Nana Bear was walking down the street on her way to town when she saw little Ted Bear looking ever so sad and stopped to talk with him. "Why are you so sad Little Ted?" said Nana Bear. "You used to be the happiest little bear in the land!" "That was in the Beforetimes" answered little Ted sad as sad could be. "I don't have my little boy anymore. I'm never going to see him again, and I am so unhappy". "Well" said Nana Bear, "Tell me all about it." And she sat down on the tree stump by the side of the road settling herself in quite comfortably, and waited for Ted to tell her his story. But he didn't say a word. "What was your boy's name?" asked Nana Bear. She knew quite well what the boy's name was for everyone had known what a special boy he had been but she wanted to hear Little Ted say his name. "Christopher" said Ted and he hiccuped. A big tear started to roll down his face and straight away he stopped it.. and was very, very brave. "Why Little Ted - whatever are you doing?" asked Nana Bear very puzzled seeing the tear stop rolling on an instant, and the very, very brave face freeze Ted's face like concrete on a very hot day. "I'm being very, very brave. Very Brave." he added on just to make sure she knew what a good little bear he was being. "Well", said Nana Bear, "But why are you being so very, very brave? It doesn't look like it makes you very happy, and I am sure I don't know what good of a thing being very, very brave is if it doesn't make you happy". "The bear by the field said I must", said Little Ted wisely. "He said that losing your boy can be very, very hard and I must be very, very brave." "Oh," said Nana Bear thoughtfully. "Tell me Little Ted, what else did the bear by the field tell you?" "Well", said Little Ted, remembering as best he could. "He said that I would get another boy soon and that would make everything better." "Oh!", said Nana Bear even more thoughtfully. "And would it make everything better if you got another boy right away?" Little Ted sat mournfully still. "No one could ever be the best boy that Christopher was! He was wonderful, and he loved me ever so much. I don't think any other boy would ever be as good." "Ah", said Nana Bear. "I see. And what else did the bear by the field tell you?" "He said that I would feel much better soon. It's just a matter of time. But Nana Bear, I don't want to forget Christopher. I want to remember what a nice boy he was. Does that mean that in time I will forget all about him?" "Oh, I don't think so Little Ted", said Nana Bear. "When you love someone as much as you loved Christopher, I don't think you ever forget him. What else did the bear by the field say?" "He didn't" said Little Bear sadly. "I wanted to talk about Christopher and he didn't. I said I wished I had my boy back, and he said he thought the corn would grow nicely." "I said I wanted to remember my boy forever, and he said what nice weather we were having. I suppose all the bears are tired of hearing me talk about my little boy." "Oh Little Bear" said Nana Bear. "Come up here this very instant and not a second longer." Little Bear climbed up into Nana Bear's lap. He was very glad to be there because it was very hard being very, very brave all the time, and it was so good to have someone hug and cuddle him again. He did not realize what an all alone feeling it had been without his boy to hug and kiss him. He snuggled down in Nana Bear's lap, his heart aching and missing Christopher. "Should I tell you what I think Little Ted?" she said softly as she stroked his little bear head. "I think that Christopher would want you to cry if you are sad. If Christopher was peeking from behind those bushes and saw your very, very brave face, why he might not even know it was you!" "And I will tell you what else I think... Maybe one day you will find another boy to love and who will love you very much. But that so fuzzy spot in your heart that belongs to Christopher will always be just for him and not for your new boy. Your new boy will have his own place that you will make for him." "And, I will tell you what else I think. Time is a taker of many things, but not a taker of heartache. All the time in the world will not stop you from missing Christopher. But time cannot steal your memories, and cannot take away all the good times you ever had in your whole lives together." "And Little Ted, of course you must talk about him. You must pick your very goods friends who loved him ever so much, and you can talk about him together. And there is a spot right here on my lap whenever a Christopher thought needs to be spoken." "Oh, thank you Nana Bear," breathed Little Ted softly. "Thank you so very much for telling me that. And Nana Bear, tell me this... just one more thing. Can I be happy again one day? Am I supposed to be sad for my boy forever?" "Oh, what a wonderful thing that will be when you have happy thoughts again!", said Nana Bear. "After all, you have only lost your boy a short time ago. Boy's are not like socks in the dryer, never to be seen again. In the Big Could in the Sky, in the Aftertimes, you will see him again. In the meantime you have to love the world for him because he cannot do it by himself anymore. When you see a butterfly around, you must look at it for your boy, and laugh for him and dance with it for him. You must live all the happiness left in the world and store it up in your heart to take for him when you see him again. When you are ready, you can begin to store those those happy thoughts Little Ted. When you are ready." And a big tear rolled down Little Ted's face, and another. Pretty soon there were so many tears he made a puddle, and the puddle made a bath. Pretty soon Ted was all wet and before you knew it he was clean as a whistle, and didn't look anywhere near as scruftie-muftie as he did before. And the tears made the flowers grow, and the butterflies came, and before you knew it the world was clean and sparkling and wonderful again. Did Little Ted ever stop missing his boy? No, no, never in a million years. But he learned that it is a fine thing to cry, and get the fur all nice and clean. And he learned that tears grow flowers, and flowers bring butterflies. And Little Ted learned that one day in a long and far off time a bear and his boy will see each other again. But until that time he would keep his eye out for joy-things to store up and take as a great and wonderful gift to the best boy who ever lived in this whole world....
Welcome steffaroni, you certainly have too much to deal with, but it sounds like you are handling it very well.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your brother and also for the story about the bear; very touching. I also lost a brother and know what you described. What was hardest for me was that it wasn't his 'time', at least not in the grand scheme of life. We expect our elders to pass on and everyone moves forward, but to have a sibling die throws everything we know out of whack, doesn't it? I come from a large family and have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. This was my youngest brother and he was only 40 when he died.
If there was anything 'good' about him dying when he did, it was that once our Mom got over the initial shock, she was able to make sure he was buried 'properly'. This brother led a troubled life and our Mom always worried that he wouldn't have the burial she desired. Who knows, this may have been God's will that she was able to do what she needed to do and when her time came, she knew that he had been laid to rest right next to herself and Dad?
We all need to remember to tell our loved ones what is in our heart, because as you said, we never know when our time is up! Feel free to post here as often as you need. The women here are very supportive.
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