someone said sunday was dad's day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
someone said sunday was dad's day...
7
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:30pm

i'm dreading sunday. just typing this message on this board is making me nervous. i've always been the type to "hush up" when it came to talk of my dead parents...dead parents. see that's new for me. i've been saying "dead parents" since oct of last year when my father died. now it's both of them. mom and dad. an orphan at 26.

you know, it hurts so much, and at times, i feel like a block of ice, slowly melting in the sun. some days it's hotter than others and some days not so hot, so i melt differently each day.

my mom died when i was a teenager. i watch her die from breast cancer and when we found her in the bed, her eyes still open, her mouth formed in a circle, i was instantly over taken by guilt. why was i not just there, in the room with her?? i had been in the living room talking to my grandmother. why was i not with her, when her last breath was taken, when she no doubly made her usual dashing eye movements that no longer meant anything to anyone but only reminded us that our clocks were ticking like a bomb. what is that you are looking at mom? is the angel of death in the room?

i got over that guilt. it took a while. probably until the moment when i was told that my father was dead. because really, who "gets over" death or the guilt or any of it? why the hell am i still alive?

i get ready for parties with my friends, dates, and nights of scrabble, all in a frenzy and hurried mess. i'm back to laughing with my girlfriends, complaining about cellulite and crazy men, wondering if i have the right job, am i doing the right thing...and then i am silent. because even in my closest circle of friends i want one of them to say -- honestly -- yes, it hurts so freaking bad that i can't breathe either. and yes! the damn walls are falling in on me too! but they can't and i hate them for it and love them for what they do give me. support. the wide eyes. the silence. the avoidance of scary movies or talk of bodies or the latest murder on TV. "they shot up va tech! did you see it on the news??" my friends glance out of the corner of their eyes at me, and when i respond "how tragic" i can see the boulders roll off of their backs because even in this moment of utter disbelief, they don't want to let me down.

my dad died from complications of heart failure. it was a lot of things actually. he'd be diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma a little more than 5 years after my mother passed. my father was my world. he was sad though. because you see, my brother dropped dead two weeks before my father passed. yes, it happened that way. if i write out every detail, it would be impossible to fathom. i came home to bury my brother and a week later i'm home to bury my dad.

so, sunday is father's day. the first father's day without my dad. i'm approaching this thing with guerrilla tactics. my eyes darting back and forth because i see her coming, the angel of grief. i want to wake up and go throughout the day laughing, complaining about not fitting in juniors sizes anymore, and contemplating my next debate with my friends over policy in iraq and our economy...but that's ideal isn't it? i'm already trembling and its monday. freaking monday! i have no appetite and the last time i checked, no reason to go out and buy a father's day card or type up a funny e-mail to an e-mail address that won't EVER be opened again.

From: "daughter" <daughter@hotmail.com>
To: daddy@hotmail.com
Subject: HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2007 11:23:05 -0500

dear dad: i love you sooo much. love your daughter. oh and of course HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

From: mailerdemon-return message
To: daughter@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! - undeliverable
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2007 11:23:05 -0500

MAILERDEMON: user does not EXIST! sorry hun!

if only i could see him once more.

the pain is unbearable and i feel like a freak. what kind of person doesn't have ANY parents? give me a break! are you kidding me?

then i snap out of it and say, if god wanted it this way.

but i have not snapped yet. i'm mad. and i am sad and confused and hurt. deeply hurt.

my brother was special to me. my mother was special to me. i loved them both. but right now, i am dreading friday.

i just want someone to say that it will get better even though i know it will. someone to say - I HONESTLY FEEL YOUR PAIN!

people look at me and smile and i want to say, hey buddy, can't you see that i am grieving here! stop all this talk about father's day gifts! ain't no gift here!

but then i become the antigriever. the emotionless person i am not, my friends are not, my parents were not.

parents were not. parents were not. parents w-e-r-e not.

i know what i have to do. i have to accept the fact that i am a grieving child. an orphan.

an orphan with a job, bills, amazing friends and a broken heart.

i miss my daddy so much. i miss my daddy so much. i miss my daddy so much.

he used to tell me all the time how much he loved me...boy, if he knew how much more i loved him.

so i have my helmet on. my plan of action. it's simple really, when you think about it. i am just going to feel him on that day. i'll cry. stand in a mirror and watch my face contort in ways only a grieving person can. i'll smell his gloves and walk around the house in his suspenders. he had funny pink ones and i always wanted to wear them. now, there is no one to say i can't. stare at pictures and try to avoid staining them with drippings from my eyes and nose and wake up surprised that i've fallen asleep on the floor for three hours.

my phone will ring.

"are you okay?"

"yep"

"need anything?"

"nope"

"i'll still stop by"

"sure"

and then monday will come. i'll take the train to work. as usual strangers will look down at their blackberrys avoiding all glances and hurry from one stop to the next. and no one will know how i suffered through sunday. no one will know how i'll suffer through monday.

but i'll be back at it. because i have to. won't we all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 6:05pm

Hello. I saw your post and had to write back. I'm not exactly like you, but you and I do have some things in common. I am 34 years old, still on the young side, not quite in touch with mortality yet. My mother died last year. It happened at a heck of a time, too- five days after my wedding, while my new hubby and I were on our honeymoon. It was expected- she had breast cancer for twenty years, and went out of remission nine months prior to her death. Her dying wish was to see me walk down the aisle in my gown- she lived to see that, and many in my family believe she hung around as long as she did specifically to see that. My hubby and I live in Canada, and we flew into my hometown of Phoenix a week before the wedding to make preparations and for the ceremony itself. During that time, things were stressful. The wedding preparations were going like clockwork, but the suffering all around everyone was very hard. Not only was my mom on her deathbed, but our beloved family dog was 15 years old and had arthritis so bad he could hardly move. He cried constantly, and we had him put down that week. I cried because of that, too. I have to laugh when I watch women cry on Bridezillas over their wedding gowns- could you imagine someone like me on TV crying over my dead dog and my sick mom before my wedding?

My dad is still alive, but I almost lost him when I was a teenager. It is odd- when he came home from the hospital back then, the docs gave him five years to live tops, that was 1989. He is still around! I know I could lose him anytime, but I stopped holding my breath years ago. Still, he certainly surprised everyone including himself by becoming a widower. (BTW, that's something he is having a very hard time dealing with because he was so unprepared for it).

I think something you and I might have in common is that we are both young and know what it is like to lose a parent. My husband is older than me and doesn't understand, but is supportive as he knows how to be. My adult flute student is old enough to be my mother and still has both of her parents! My parents were older when they had me, so I always sort of knew that I would have to come to terms with this earlier in life than most people, especially since my dad had a heart condition. Still, it's different when it actually happens...

I am starting to ramble, forgive me...

One more thing: you say if only your dad knew that you loved him more than he loved you. Think again. You better believe he loved you every bit as much as you loved him. Maybe he had trouble showing it...he WAS a guy, wasn't he? I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe that your dad continues to love you now and is with you. Talk to him. He is listening!

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:42pm

Hi Sobisou


If you have posted recently, and I didn't respond, I apologize. Dealing with life on life's terms has been hard lately. I am Beth, one of the cls here.


Your post is so poignant and understandable. My Mom is gone, as is my big sister. My Dad is here, but has had major health scares.


I barely tolerate Mother's Day even after 5 years. I guess you could say it is easier...or maybe I have a harder shell, don't know.


Have you gotten any grief counselling? Sometimes it helps with the hidden stuff.


By the way, my Mom died with no one in the room either. The nurse said that sometimes women do that because it is the last way to protect their loved ones. Hmm..still thinking on that one.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 6:53am

I am so sorry about your dad and mom!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:42pm

(((((Sobisou))))), I am so glad you found our board!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 4:06am
I lost my mum last year on the 2nd of June. Mum had been ill for 4 years with breathing difficulties. We managed to get wonderful care for her which her doctor set up, and for a time life was good again. Dad loved looking after her and towards the end never left her side. The morning she passed we were with her and we each had a chance to say goodbye. Mum was in a sorry state when she passed because she decided to stop eating - 12 weeks it took for her to go - it was all so emotional and heartbreaking.
Then the very worst thing happened 2 days after we laid mum to rest - my hero - my dad - died with only 16 days parting them. I found him on fathers day last year sitting in his chair by the window - as cold as marble. I still find it difficult to talk about and I don't know when it will get any easier. You see, I am 52 years old and my parents were in their seventies, but you know, that really doesn't make it any easier. I suppose some people would say that they had their lives and good one's really but hey! i want them back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:08am
Welcome to our board, (((((Lesleysad))))).
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:44am
thanks for caring. i stumbled across this site whilst looking for help I guess.