Coping away from "home"
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| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:59pm |
It's been two weeks since my father accidentially crashed his airplane and passed away. Of course no one ever really wants to experience grief firsthand, but I wish mine ended with that one devastating event.
My father, while still working at 59, was the primary caregiver for my mother, who is working through terminal cancer. The two of us girls are 600 miles away from our parents. I have most of the administrative details captured in a spreadsheet - but if anyone can share how they're dealing the emotional aspects of death and illness from afar, it would be appreciated.
Separately, and for myself, I post here my love for my father. We buried him two Saturdays ago.
Dear Farm (we called him "Farm" for how we dressed to go out to the airfield),
First let me start by saying ma wouldn’t let us put “Farm†on your prayer cards, so I’m recognizing you here by how we’ve known you the better part of 25 years. We probably should have had you buried in a flannel shirt. Oh well, I must say you looked very spiffy in your black suit when we saw you last night. You probably even know they put a smirk on your face so you could tell everyone goodbye with your jovial smile.
You also probably know that there has been such a huge outpouring of love for you this week. It’s so nice to hear from strangers how you’ve touched their lives – I can’t believe how far your reach goes. People who know your family but have never met you want to come by to pay their respects. People from as far away as Poland have cried that you’re gone.
On a personal note, and since I won’t be making you your Father’s Day card this year, I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for your firstborn. I always said I was the son you never had, and I will continue to do my best as the “man of the house†in seeing that all your loose ends are tied up, especially where ma is concerned.
You know, over the 42 years you’ve pissed that woman off (I’ve read her teenage diary entries, so don’t even try to deny it), that woman cried over you as you were laid out for us last night, saying that she doesn’t know how she’ll go on without you. But don’t you worry Farm, Lynn and I will be here to see that she does. She’s actually doing surprisingly well so far, but we both know we will have to leave her behind.
I think I know this but can only hope that I’ve made you proud with the few accomplishments I’ve achieved so far – both personally and professionally. I was always the wallflower growing up, but have since learned your ability to “work a room†and speak to hundreds at a time. I was so glad that I knew I could tell you I’d learned to ride and about each time I traded up to my next bike. You never told me that I shouldn’t be doing it, but just to be careful, and that was for my mother’s sake.
I had to see for myself yesterday just where you met your fate. It was haunting to see the divot your propeller made in the field just behind the row of hangars. I can only think how terrified you were between the time you realized you had lost control and were about to leave us. But I know the love you have for mom, Lynn and I was the very last thing on your mind.
I love you, daddy, and still can’t believe you’re gone.
Lisa

Lisa
Welcome.
You gave a loving tribute to a wonderful man, Thank you for sharing your Dad with us.
I wish I could help with the long distance thing, but I was the one at home, while my sister was hundreds of miles away when Mama and then our sister Geri died. I am sure someone else can help, though.
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My situation was almost exactly like yours. I was engaged and living in Canada with my fiance. Nine months before our wedding date, my mother's remission ended twenty years after her initial diagnosis of breast cancer, and my family was in my hometown of Phoenix. My dad had a heart condition and could go anytime himself and was suddenly her caregiver. Here I was, planning a wedding long-distance, and also hearing frequent reports of new tumors from time to time. I called my mom often in those months, for a long time, she sounded like she always did, but closer to the wedding, she became very different, not quite there. My dad told me that the docs believed the cancer had spread to her brain.
Well the wedding came. My jerk of a brother tried to get me to reschedule. I didn't, because I really figured the family needed a party. Besides, I wanted my mom to see it, and I knew she wanted to see it (later other family members would say that she hung on as long as she did just to see me walk down the aisle.) So, the wedding happened, my mom was there, and the next day, we left for our honeymoon. Five days later, my mom died. We left early and went back to Phoenix for the funeral. My husband was only granted three days' bereavement from his work, so he returned as soon as that was up. I was not working because I was still wrapped up in immigration at the time, so I decided to stick around and offer support to my family for awhile. I think it helped me a bit, too. My brother said, "you should go home and be with your husband right now!" My dad agreed, saying, "you are always welcome here, but I don't need a damn babysitter!" So, I did catch a plane back home.
As far as keeping tabs on what is going on with the family during grieving when you are far away, it is kind of a challenge. I'm not the executrix of my mother's estate (thank God!), so that's not a problem I worry about. I do call home alot, but as I learned over Christmas that doesn't really give you a clue what really goes on. Hubby and I had some plane tickets to use up, so we went to Phoenix for Christmas. Turns out the trip wasn't much fun. My dad was really angry all the time, even though he never seemed to be when I talked to him on the phone. My theory is that he isn't mourning my mother properly. I don't know what to do, the last thing he'd do is talk to me about something like that. I don't even know if I could get him in to see a counselor.
I guess I wasn't much help, but I thought you'd like to hear my experience.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
HI...... wiping my eyes here... that was beautiful just beautiful.... (((((HUGS)))) Steff
p.s. sooo sorry bout your dad..... must be so difficult with fathers day coming around. I know my mom had a tough mothers day as this is her first without her son. can't imagine HUGS
(((((Lisa))))), I want to belatedly welcome you to our board.