My 1st father's day without him
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My 1st father's day without him
| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:03pm |
My dad died in august of last year and I originally got so upset that I almost died from a super germ infection and then I pushed him so far away from me that I wouldn't think of him at all because I was afraid of getting sick and almost dying again because I am chronically ill and have a weak immune system but in January I ended up in an out-patient hospitalization program to deal with my dad's death after getting extremely depressed and was doing better and then boom father's day came and it hit me like a ton of bricks and my therapist is worried about me and asked me to find an online grief and loss group and am so glad he suggested this because I feel like I am losing my mind again. I have so many mixed emotions I miss him so much. I longed to be loved by my dad my whole life and then about 2 to 3 years before he died he apologized for being such a rotten father who payed no attention to me and didn't tell me he loved me which I longed to hear those words from him as I grew up and he finally said those words every week when I called him and I hadn't seen my dad since I was 17 until 2 years ago when he came to visit me and I am now 35 so was 33 when he camme to visit. I feel like the dad I longed for my whole life I just started to get 2 to 3 years before he died and then he was ripped away from me. I believe in God and I am a christian but this I am having a really hard time with why God would take my dad away when I just got my daddy that I wanted for so many years. He went flying with my step-mom in there airplane and they ran into fog and crashed and it is believed they died upon impact but they weren't found for 2 days so how can they know that? My step-mom always had to have my dad's attention while I was growing up and she made sure he payed attention to her and not his kids and she always got what she wanted and now she has him all to herself and us kids fighting down here because my dad left no will and my brother made himself the executor and he is money hungry so he got furious when I got an attorney to watch out for my interests in the estate and good thing I did so I have lost my brother as well as my dad but in a different way but all the emotions that I have from my whole life with my dad seems to be pouring out into emotions that I have been besides myself at times since my dad's death and I just want to give him a hug and want to feel his arms around me and feel him giving me a big hug and to have him tell me there's no reason to cry anymore that it's ok but it's not ok I am hurting so bad and have been crying all day and am on the verge of having to go in the hospital because all these feelings are overwhelming me but it's nice to finally be where other's might understand me some. Thanks for listening. Shana

(((((((Shana)))))))))
Sweetheart, welcome to a warm safe place to land. Your tears will make way for your precious smiles and happy memories.
Sweetie, you are feeling normal feelings. When my mom passed, all I wanted to do was scream and beat something. It hurts so so bad, but thats ok, thats how we start to heal. Remember we all heal at different paces, some take longer then others and thats ok. There are no rules....except one, you never have to say your sorry, especially here.
The firsts are always the hardest, but remember the next day will be here.
Remember your dad loves you always has and always will. You are a wonderful young lady. Try journaling your feelings everyday that seems to be one way to help. Even when you posted here you were letting out alot of pent up feelings and thats good. The ladies here and the CL's are all wonderful and caring. Come and vent, write as much or as often as you want we will be here for you sweetheart. I am sending you a million and one cyberhugs,.
Please let us know how your doing sweetheart.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo
Hello, (((((Shana))))).
Shana, have you considered talking to a pastor?
Shana,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. But I am glad you finally got to hear him tell you that he loved you. I know how hard Father's Day must have been for you as Mother's Day came just 1 1/2 weeks after I lost my mother. My relationship with my mother was somewhat strained at times but I missed her terribly that day. I am also very sorry to hear about the strain in the relationship with your brother right now. My Mom's will was very unfair where most of the inheritance, land she owned, etc was left to my brother and sister with the excuse that they have student loans and it was her money and all that stuff. My other siblings and I just felt like it was a kick in the face but I refuse to let myself lose the relationship I and my children have with my siblings over my mother's choices. My MIL didn't talk to her older brother for many years after their mother died over inheritances but have got back together in the past few years and have let bygones be bygones. Her younger brother has yet to do that and is not only hurting himself but his children as well as they are no longer seeing their Dad's side of the family. I digress, this isn't about me it's about you. My apologies!! Anyway, my point is to try to save any relationship you may have with your brother. It's terrible that he is letting money get in the way. Please know that I will be thinking of you and you will be in my prayers!!
Steph
(((((Shana))))), my heart breaks for the anguish you are feeling.
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