My 1st father's day without him

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
My 1st father's day without him
10
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:03pm
My dad died in august of last year and I originally got so upset that I almost died from a super germ infection and then I pushed him so far away from me that I wouldn't think of him at all because I was afraid of getting sick and almost dying again because I am chronically ill and have a weak immune system but in January I ended up in an out-patient hospitalization program to deal with my dad's death after getting extremely depressed and was doing better and then boom father's day came and it hit me like a ton of bricks and my therapist is worried about me and asked me to find an online grief and loss group and am so glad he suggested this because I feel like I am losing my mind again. I have so many mixed emotions I miss him so much. I longed to be loved by my dad my whole life and then about 2 to 3 years before he died he apologized for being such a rotten father who payed no attention to me and didn't tell me he loved me which I longed to hear those words from him as I grew up and he finally said those words every week when I called him and I hadn't seen my dad since I was 17 until 2 years ago when he came to visit me and I am now 35 so was 33 when he camme to visit. I feel like the dad I longed for my whole life I just started to get 2 to 3 years before he died and then he was ripped away from me. I believe in God and I am a christian but this I am having a really hard time with why God would take my dad away when I just got my daddy that I wanted for so many years. He went flying with my step-mom in there airplane and they ran into fog and crashed and it is believed they died upon impact but they weren't found for 2 days so how can they know that? My step-mom always had to have my dad's attention while I was growing up and she made sure he payed attention to her and not his kids and she always got what she wanted and now she has him all to herself and us kids fighting down here because my dad left no will and my brother made himself the executor and he is money hungry so he got furious when I got an attorney to watch out for my interests in the estate and good thing I did so I have lost my brother as well as my dad but in a different way but all the emotions that I have from my whole life with my dad seems to be pouring out into emotions that I have been besides myself at times since my dad's death and I just want to give him a hug and want to feel his arms around me and feel him giving me a big hug and to have him tell me there's no reason to cry anymore that it's ok but it's not ok I am hurting so bad and have been crying all day and am on the verge of having to go in the hospital because all these feelings are overwhelming me but it's nice to finally be where other's might understand me some. Thanks for listening. Shana
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:40pm

(((((((Shana)))))))))

Sweetheart, welcome to a warm safe place to land. Your tears will make way for your precious smiles and happy memories.

Sweetie, you are feeling normal feelings. When my mom passed, all I wanted to do was scream and beat something. It hurts so so bad, but thats ok, thats how we start to heal. Remember we all heal at different paces, some take longer then others and thats ok. There are no rules....except one, you never have to say your sorry, especially here.

The firsts are always the hardest, but remember the next day will be here.

Remember your dad loves you always has and always will. You are a wonderful young lady. Try journaling your feelings everyday that seems to be one way to help. Even when you posted here you were letting out alot of pent up feelings and thats good. The ladies here and the CL's are all wonderful and caring. Come and vent, write as much or as often as you want we will be here for you sweetheart. I am sending you a million and one cyberhugs,.

Please let us know how your doing sweetheart.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 3:38pm

Hello, (((((Shana))))).

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 2:05pm
Gail, thank you for your support and all of the cyberhugs you sent me. I am in better spirits today than I was when I wrote the other day. It seems like I am on a roller coaster ride that has more twists and turns than I would like and my emotions tend to be all over the place from one day to the next. I Idalized my dad as I grew up because he was an fbi agent and I thought he was a hero well he was my hero and he is still my hero to this day but I grew up seeking his approval so hard and I was never good enough for him and I could never live up to his expectations and so I was crushed over and over again from my hero. I have a real hard time because I only finally felt loved by him for the last 2 to 3 years and I had him ripped away from me so suddenly and unexpectadly I just want to have him back so we can have the relationship that we just started to have. Well I better say good bye for now and thank you so much for your support it means the world to me right nnow. Shana
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 2:26pm
Hello Barb, thank you for your support and yes laughter is the best medicine and normally my mom and I keep a good sense of humor in the house but recently things aren't to funny but I am going to take a look at that site you posted about and hopefully that will seem funny. Anytime I start thinking about my dad I get sad and start feeling down because I miss him so much. What I would do to be able to call my dad or to be able to give him a hug right now. I am going to read others posts and I will continue to post when I am feeling like sharing. Thank you again for your suppport here. Shana
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 5:33pm

Shana, have you considered talking to a pastor?

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:58pm

Shana,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. But I am glad you finally got to hear him tell you that he loved you. I know how hard Father's Day must have been for you as Mother's Day came just 1 1/2 weeks after I lost my mother. My relationship with my mother was somewhat strained at times but I missed her terribly that day. I am also very sorry to hear about the strain in the relationship with your brother right now. My Mom's will was very unfair where most of the inheritance, land she owned, etc was left to my brother and sister with the excuse that they have student loans and it was her money and all that stuff. My other siblings and I just felt like it was a kick in the face but I refuse to let myself lose the relationship I and my children have with my siblings over my mother's choices. My MIL didn't talk to her older brother for many years after their mother died over inheritances but have got back together in the past few years and have let bygones be bygones. Her younger brother has yet to do that and is not only hurting himself but his children as well as they are no longer seeing their Dad's side of the family. I digress, this isn't about me it's about you. My apologies!! Anyway, my point is to try to save any relationship you may have with your brother. It's terrible that he is letting money get in the way. Please know that I will be thinking of you and you will be in my prayers!!

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 5:41pm
Steph, thank you very much for your support and thank you for telling me your story of what you lived through. I hope and pray my brother will come around and change after all the money is out of the picture and can't believe that he would let money do this but I miss him dearly and I do hope he will come around and we can re-build our relationship and maybe even be closer than we were. Thanks again for posting this because you give me hope for the future. Shana
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:14pm
I was just hurting when I wrote that post and in my head I know that God gave him to me for the 2 to 3 years that I did get to have him I just hurt so deep inside that at times I fall into the thinking that why couldn't have God let him stay with me and when I think of it logically I know that God didn't take him away from me so to speak even though he did decide it was time for my dad to go to heaven now and God took him home but i'm being selfish and want him back. I do belong to a church but am not real close to my pastor but I do talk alot with my parish nurse and I am also working on issues with my father in therapy and it's just grief from his death but the longing for his approval and wanting to be loved as a child and never being told I love you and never being hugged as a child and he was overly strict where grounding for weeks at a time of being homebound with no tv no phone calls and even went for 6 months once and he had a very hot temper and was very quick and easy to holler or threatening me with violence but actually only lost it with me 1 time physically I mean. I would always do things in hopes of getting positive reinforcment or to get approval from him and never did I succeed and my step-mom always had to be the center of attention and let me tell you she was the center of his attention always and I always resented her for that that she got everything from my dad that I ever wanted and then some attention and love wise. I believe we all will go home to heaven someday when God decides it's time but I just wish it wasn't my dad's time but with the grace of God I know someday I will meet up with him. I have so many issues dealing with my dad and his death is making all of this stuff boil over the kettle and at times I just feel like i am losing it because I am feeling so many different emotions and some days I am fine and others I just can't stop crying. Well I better go for now today has been a very busy day but I wanted to make time to get on here and respond. (((hugs))), Shana
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:57pm

(((((Shana))))), my heart breaks for the anguish you are feeling.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:19am
Oh sweetheart, this is a very bad time for you. I know where you are coming from as I lost my dad on fathers day 2006. We had just lost mum 2 weeks before and he was having a hard time adjusting to life without her as she was house bound for the last 4 years of her life. I went to see him early on the morning with my husband because I didn't want him to be alone on fathers day. When we got there I found him dead in his favorite chair. Now dad was 77 when he passed and I am 52 but the pain is no less. Cherish those good years you had with your father, however short they may have been as I believe there is a special bond between dads and daughters! Let everyone else go about their lives and know that you had the love of your father.There can be nothing more special in this world or the next. x