coming up on 26 months, STILL crying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
coming up on 26 months, STILL crying!
13
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 11:43pm

Hi everyone. I was here a long time ago (2 years now!), but was unable to post much. I've been reading here again tonight and have already been helped. Thank you again.

I lost my husband to cancer on May 6, 2005, and we have six children. I thought I was doing ok, but the last few months seem to have put me back to the beginning again. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep. Food looks gross. What is happening?

Our oldest recently turned 18 and graduated this month with honors. Both our boys are learning to drive. Our youngest is 3 now. Things seem to be getting worse without Todd. I thought someone said "Time heals." The pain is incredible, and that cloud that had turned to fog is now dark and thick again.

Am I losing my mind? I miss him more now than ever. Thanks for any help/encouragement. Wendy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 2:20pm

((hugs))

Although I didn't lose a husband, I did lose the love of my life (I throughly believe he always will be). We were young, he was only 20 when he died, and now I sit here 7 months after in just as much pain as the day he died.

For me some days are harder than others... and yes, oh yes, there are certain things that trigger for me as well. For me I find that things that remind me of our plans and our future are the most challenging for me.

I saw a counsilor for 6 months after he died as I couldn't deal with it all on my own. It was very beneficial for me to talk with him every so often...

I too don't want to get used to living with out him. It doesn't feel natural to even try. My biggest fear is that I will live with this empty void for the rest of my life. I am only 21 years old, am I supposed to miss him and feel empty every day for 50-60 years? Everyone says "your young, you'll meet someone new." Perhaps thats true, but I don't think even meeting someone new will fill in the whole that is missing from my life.

Of course my year and half relationship can not be compared to your marriage and family that you had with your husband, but I understand your feelings. I'm sorry I just rambled on about myself for so long... I guess I have been having a really hard time the past few days and reading your post just hit a cord with me.

Sending a prayer that you are feeling better.

((hugs))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:00pm

Razski, thank you so much for the hugs and prayers. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. It's obvious from what you wrote that your year and a half relationship was a very special one. You asked (rhetorically, I understand) if you were supposed to feel empty and miss him every day for 50-60 years. Yes, you are young and have many years ahead of you to live without your love. It wasn't (and still isn't) any consolation for me when people say "you'll meet someone new." ugh. I hate that. Yes, perhaps they are right, but right now that is no help at all. For you, it's only been 7 months. I know there will be many more months, possibly years, of grieving. Take your time. I am told everyone does this at their own pace and there is no easy way through it. The void left is HUGE, and will not easily be filled, and perhaps never filled completely. I don't know. I'm certain others here will be more help.

I share your fear of wondering if this void will ever go away. They tell me the pain will lessen with time, but that it will always be there to some degree. It's learning how to live with this pain that is the key. ugh. Listen to me. I'm sitting here with tears blinding my eyes, and probably not making any sense. I should just thank you for your comments and for understanding. That means so much.

Is this week more difficult for you because of the holiday? I know for me, I'm really struggling with the 4th coming so quickly....that's when Todd proposed to me, after the fireworks. And the 6th comes on a Friday this month, the date and day he died. Sorry I'm not more of an encouragement to you. I will be thinking and praying for you during this time....it must be difficult for all of us on special days.

Thanks again for posting. Please take care of yourself. Go slow. Cry often. Post often here...these ladies are wonderful. Know people understand and care here. ((((hugs))) Hang in there! Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:19pm

I'm not trying to rush grieving for him. He is a big part of my life and that isn't something to just "get over". I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm nervous that I will have this longing for him for the rest of my life. It's not necesarily an every day emotion but when it comes up, it's so strong it's almost paralyzing. I'm scared to not have this feeling anymore, but I'm scared to keep having it as well. I don't know what to do... and I'm just so very tired.

I think this week is so difficult because my 21st birthday just passed last Monday. My boyfriend and I didn't get to spend my last birthday together for a bunch of reasons... and I just don't have any birthday memories with him. We already had our 21st birthdays planned. I was sad to not see it happen. I was on a family vacation in Florida last week and being there, celebrating my birthday, I saw him everywhere. He was in love with the ocean and the beach, and sitting in the sun in Florida with my feet in the sand, I just knew he would have been so happy/content there. The desire to have him there with me was so strong I couldn't even be happy for myself. I pushed it out of my mind and tried to have a relaxing good time. Then I come home, and he's not here to call to tell him I'm safe, I can't share all my pictures with him, he's just not here. I'm wrapped up in a lot of emotion... and this longing to see/hear him is slowing eating away at me.

It's nice to be able to read that someone understands my feelings about this. It's such a difficult thing to talk about and not a lot of people understand (especially at 21, I have no peers to understand this). I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's a horrible thing to live through and to try to understand... but... knowing there are other women out there who understand and think like I do... takes a little of the burden away.

I'll be saying extra special prayers for you this week... those kind of anniversaries are so hard. I know that you will find the inner strength to get through the holiday... even if you take a few minutes to feel sad. I'll be thinking of you.

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