New here.....need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
New here.....need some advice
8
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 5:29pm

Hi All,

I am new to this board and have been lurking a little. First, let me say that I am sorry for any losses or tragedies you all may have suffered and although I don't personally know you, I will be thinking of you.
My mom was diagnosed with Colon cancer last April and according to the docs had had it for a while b/c when it was caught it had already metastasized to her liver and brain. We had a rough year with her health ups and downs, several hospital stays, seizures, 2 moves from NH to FL and then back again. Mom passed on May 4th in NH and I am in FL. I feel guilty for not being there at the end ( I did go for funeral) even though she did stay with me and my family for a few months here in FL. Mom and I had gotten along fairly well over the years but she did not like my husband (said he was too hard on my 13 y/o son)and also said some very hurtful things about my 3 y/o son whom she never really let herself get to know. I am still thinking about things she said to me and about my little one while she was here and feel guilty that I am still mad at her about that. She also said things to my 13 y/o about his Dad being mean to him and his brother being the child from hell, etc. I honestly have good kids and can't believe my children's grandmother would say those things to her own grandchild. How to I come to grips with these feelings of anger and resentment? It's not so bad that I am constantly thinking about it and cannot do my work, etc but it hurts me to the core that my mother could do those things. Also, I was on the phone with my Mom hours before she passed and told her it was okay and she could go. She was not coherent but moaned a little when she heard my voice. I feel like it's my fault that she is gone b/c I told her it was okay and it really wasn't. I don't think I am the only one who told her b/c my sis was with her in the room at Hospice when I talked to Mom. I am so confused b/c I missed her terribly on Mother's Day and basically stayed in bed the whole day yet I am so angry too. I am so sorry for rambling but I try to tell my husband and he just doesn't understand. Both his parents are living and he has a great, very close relationship with both of them. UGGHH!! I don't feel I need counseling at this point but maybe just advice from some people who have been in similar situations. Thanks so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:40pm

I am so very sorry for your loss. Just wanted to send some (((hugs))) and let you know I was thinking of you tonight. I'm not sure I have any advice for you, although I can sympathize and understand about telling your mom it was "ok" when it really wasn't. Just please know and hold on to the fact that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. I felt badly for a long time when I said this to my dh. However, it was good that your Mom heard those words from you, and NOT the reason she is gone. It was the right thing to do.

I know there are many here who will give you more help/advice about the angry feelings and resentment. This is a wonderful community of caring people. ((((hugs)))) Hang in there. Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 6:59am

Hi


Welcome to the board. I am Beth, one of the cls here. We are a family, and welcome all new members, so know peace here.


I don't know why your Mom didn't like your husband. I suspect that she was just worried about you and her grandkids. I do think that she was not in her right mind when she was talking about your three year old. The damage that the cancer did to her brain could have affected her judgement. I know that the Binswanger's disease (similar to Alzheimers) affected my Mom and she thought that Daddy and my sister Geri were stealing her money. Geri had a stroke in April 2004 and from then until December when she died, she would get episodes where she thought I was poisoning her. Please think of her as literally not in her right mind about her grandchild.


I am sure others will write more.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:20am

((((((Sweetheart))))))

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. It is a tough one, especially when your so far away. I lost my mom dec of 2004, and we too had our problems. There was a time when we didn't talk or see each other for 3 years. I look back now (you know, hindsight is 20/20)and think of what a waste. I lived 400 miles away from my mom and that was hard also.

Try to focus on the positive, you did have your mom with you for a while. Yes, during that time, some things were said, but like Beth said, she may not of really realized what she was doing. You did give your mom permission to do what she needed to do and that alone was and is what alot of our loved ones need to hear. It is hard, but they need that ok from us. It is almost like telling them, you did a great job bringing me up, I will miss you, but I will be ok.

Sometimes journaling your thoughts are very helpful, whether you do it here or in a diary, whatever works for you. The counseling you mentioned, just for the heck of it why not contact your local Hospice and they will be able to find you or help you find a grief counselor. Even if you talk to them just once, it may help.

Last but not least, I am the "I am sorry" police (unofficially) Please never feel you have to apologize here, there is absoulty nothing you need to apologize for. You can ramble all you want and never have to say your sorry. The ladies here are wonderful, caring ladies who will be here for you. It is a soft place to land.

Please let us know how your doing sweetie, we care.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:31am

Hi!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:10pm

{{{Camsmom}}} I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on the very same day.

I wanted to share with you that I know totally in my heart that telling my mom it was ok to go was absolutely the right (and hardest) thing to do but I have had moments in the past weeks where I have had waves of major guilt about it. The only thing I can say is my heart and head are not in synch with each other and that is just a symptom of the problem.

I know that anger is also a well documented, totally normal reaction with grief and your frustration, anger and emotions around things said in the last months of her life are totally normal. I don't have anything nearly as dramatic or hurtful as that to look at and choose from but I've still managed to find things to be upset with her about. Again, heart and head not connecting up.

Hope you can keep coming here and get some support. I have said numerous times to people who are trying to be so supportive and helpful that there is this weird isolation in the midst of this army of people who love me and want to help. You may be having that same situation with DH. I know for me, I just didn't 'get it' when people lost their parents until now.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:36pm

Hi Gail,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I never thought of keeping a journal but that is a great idea. I know my Mom may not have been in her "right" mind when she said the things she did but it still hurts my feelings. I actually wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and put that in her casket and that helped for a little while but then I got to thinking again and became angry again. I still actually have to remind myself that she is gone. I know that takes time. Thanks again for being here!!

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:38pm
Thank you everyone for your kind words!! I am glad I found you. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to make one see clearer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 11:01pm
Keep writing about it.
AcornLeaves