Loss of my first love

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Loss of my first love
24
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:14am
I have been wrestling with so many emotions the past ten days. I recently received word that my first love and lover had passed away at the age of 56. We hadn't actually seen each other for over twenty-five years but those feelings have never died. The hardest part is that he contacted by e-mail a few months ago and suddenly all those old feelings came right back to the surface. I'm trying to deal with the fact that he is gone forever and all those thoughts I had about getting to be with him one more time are gone forever. He had the whole world before him and now it's gone. I can't even begin to express the grief I am feeling to anyone around me because those emotions are something that nobody will understand. Just needed to get this out. Hopefully there is someone out there who has shared this type of situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:41am

Hi


Welcome to the board, I am Beth, one of the cls here. Although I don't know the exact way you are feeling, I understand the loss of a dream as well as the loss of the reality of the person. You lost someone you knew and loved, and you lost the possibilities, right? You certainly don't need to explain or apologize here, no one will have a problem with understanding, let me tell you.


May you find some peace today


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:37pm

Dear Beth,

I think you hit the nail right on the head about losing all the possibilities. I have been letting him be my last thought at night for the past few months since he contacted me again. What would I wear when we met again, which restaurant would we agree on, and how would I look in his eyes after all these years. I have a wonderful husband of thirty years who cherishes me with all his heart. We have been through so much both medically and financially in the past years. I guess having an outlet for something exciting had been a joy for me. Knowing that I was corresponding with him and nobody knew what a special secret I kept with me every day. I will miss that in my life now.

Thank you for letting me talk. There's really nobody I know that I can express these feelings without being judged.

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:55pm

"There's really nobody I know that I can express these feelings without being judged."


Now you know us!


There is a stanza from a song from Camelot that reminded me of your post. It is at the end when Guenever is rescued by Lancelot:


"In that dark, in that gloom, more than love met its doom. In the dying candle's gleam, came the sundown of a dream."



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:08pm

Welcome, (((((Janster 1950))))).

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:18pm

(((hugs))) I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced the same situation but something similar. My on-again, off-again boyfriend committed suicide in 2003 and it left a lot of unresolved feelings. Unfortunately when I met him I was still struggling with myself and getting over a bad 6 year relationship so I clearly wasn't ready but when I first saw him it was like coming home. I truly loved him with all my heart...more than I've ever loved anyone else but I just couldn't commit (hence the off-again part). We tried to get back together but he was overseas a lot so we didn't see much of each other. I talked to him a few days before he took his life and it was great but I still couldn't bring myself to commit all the way and now it's too late.

Even almost 4 years later I still think about him all the time and about what I missed out on because I was scared. I try to take that feeling and make myself realize that I need to give myself more but on the other hand I know the feeling I had with him and I can't settle until I find that again.

All I can say to you is this...You will always have that love for him and it will always be a special part of you. Relish in the fact that at least you got to spend a portion of your life with him and you got to talk to him again after so many years even if just for a short time. It's a special thing when we get to reconnect with past friends and past loves. It reminds us of the good times in life and what could be for the future. Cherish that feeling always and hopefully someday remembering him will make you smile.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:30pm

Dear Julie,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think the hardest thing I am having to deal with right now is that there's nobody who understands the deep amount of grief I am feeling. I am married to a wonderful man for thirty years and of course he didn't even know that Bill and I were corresponding again. There were so many nights that he would be my last thought when I would go to bed. What would i wear when I saw him, which restaurant would we meet in, would I still look as beautiful in his eyes as I did in the past. His death took all those possibilities away from me. I know it must be God's way of telling me that his was something that should not or could not happen and to be grateful for the life that I have. There's just some things in the cavern of a woman's heart that are not to be shared with anyone.

I am very sorry for your loss. It seems that losing someone to suicide is even more difficult to deal with. My oldest step-son took his own life thirteen years ago leaving a wife and a six month old little girl. I know that feeling like we let him down was so hard to deal with. there's always so many unanswered questions with suicide that will haunt you forever.

I want to thank you again and if you want to talk please know I would enjoy hearing from you.

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:02pm

((((((janster1950))))))

I can not say that I have ever experienced what you are going through, but I can definitely understand that you have lost a person who you loved alot and perhaps any kind of hope that you may see or be with again.

We are all very supportive here and we definitely do not judge any one. I feel for you and your loss and perhaps one day when you are feeling up to it, you can post and let us know a little something about this man who was your first love.

We are all here for you so feel free to post whenever you feel the need. Our thoughts are with you,

((((hugs))))

Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:26pm

Dear Miriam,

I think I need to talk about him. Bill was my first love. We met for the first time when his father's company transferred their family to my hometown back in the early sixties. We were only twelve years old when we first met through church and school. It was not love at first sight but we became friends right away. His first girlfriend had a father that owned a bakery and he always laughed about being twelve years old and chubby at the time that she was the perfect woman for him! I actually didn't pay to much attention to him romantically until about a year later. We were pretty steady all through high school and had talked about the wedding and when things would happen for us to start out life together. Vietnam changed everything for us. He wasn't doing to well in college and was afraid of getting drafted. Without talking it over with me he enlisted in the navy in 1968. I will never forget how I felt the day he came in and told me what he had done. My life revolved around the time we were together and the thought of him being gone so far away was unbearable. I guess I never realized what a big decision it was for him to leave me until years later when we hooked up again.

He had a smile and a laugh that would light up a room. I never knew of anyone who didn't like him or didn't enjoy his company. His sense of humor was a delight to all of us who ever knew him. He was so gently and loving. I have never felt as safe in anyone else's arms even after all these years. Funny but I had never thought of it before but we have a history that goes back over 45 years. I know that getting in contact with me after not even seeing each other for 25 years was something he must have felt he needed to do. I don't know if he knew how sick he really was but something inside me told me that something was terribly wrong. We had been corresponding by e-mail for quite some time and I was looking forward so much to being able to make arrangements to see him one more time. The last e-mail I sent to him was sent at three in the morning. I had a really terrible dream about him being in the hospital and asked him to please let me know that he was alright. I never heard from him again. I found out through his sister that the night I had that dream he had suffered a stroke. He was not doing well and the sad part of it was he had started drinking pretty heavily the past few years. Guess his life was not the perfect picture everyone thought it was. He had lost his first wife in 1988 and even though he remarried he told his sister that there had only been two complete loves in his ilfe. One he had lost when he went into the Navy and the other he lost when she died very suddenly. I guess I didn't know how lonely he was. There's some people who cross our paths and they are a part of our lives forever. He was always there for me when I needed him most and I feel that I really let him down by not knowing how sad he really was.

I feel so lost and confused. Part of me is so very grateful that he was able to track me down after all this time and have some contact. Part of me wishes it hadn't happened. It only makes me realize that even after all this time the love between us had never really died. I just always though that I would be with him one more time in this life. I know that a part of me died with him. I only hope that he's a peace now and know that someday I will be able to hold him one more time.

This is the first I've opened up like this since his death. There really isn't anyone who would understand completely this odd situation. Thank you for letting me just get this out. It helps just to be able to talk about him without anyone thinking I'm a terrible person since I have a wonderful husband and a fairly happy life. I have never been able to let go completely of Bill and probaly never will. First loves never really are out of our hearts. There's a specialy place for them always.

Thanks for listening. I need to grieve and this is the only place that I can.

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:18am

(((((sweetie)))))

Glad that you felt that you were able to share your story and open up with us.It definitely is a good thing to be able talk it over or write in down as you have done now. Bill sounds like he was a wonderful, loving and caring man who has left you with lovely memories of him. Hopefully these good memories will help you through your sorrow.

You should not feel badly or guitly about how sad he was, as when you do not have much contact with someone and when you do, and they do not express how they are feeling, then you can not possibly know what he was going through and what his emotions were. Please do not ever feel that any of us here on this board is going to think of you as a terrible person, as none of us feel that way at all. You are a women, who met her very first love of her life, and obviously it was true love, and unfortunately it was not meant for both of yous to be together.

On the other hand you were lucky to meet your present husband who you say is wonderful and you have a happy life with him. This is what you should concentrate on, and thankful for but.....being happy with your life now, will not take away the memories of your first love. Does your husband know about Bill and how you feel at this time?

Again, I am very happy that you were able to tell us this story and I thnk you for sharing this with us. Please always feel free to post here whenever you feel the need to, and know that all of us women are here for you and definitely will not judge you in any shape or form.

You take care and please let us know how you are doing.

((((hugs))))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:57pm

Thank you for responding so quickly. I guess I feel so many confusing emotions right now. The really hard part is that Bill's sister contacted me after he passed to let me know what had happened. We talked on the phone for over an hour. I was helping her to write a few things about him for the memorial and since she was in college when we were in high school there were a lot of things she didn't know. Bill had been living in Arizona the past twenty years and his wife and friends out there knew little of the guy I loved and spent so many years with. Being able to talk to her freely about so many things really helped me. We were both able to laugh and cry together. A few days ago his sister contacted me at work to let me know that she had been keeping a box with my name on it for several years. I guess Bill left it with her when he moved out west. Turns out my promise ring that he gave me our senior year, my engagement ring and wedding band (which he never gave to me) and both of our class rings are in this box. There's a letter addressed to me and I have no idea when this was written or how long ago. Can't believe the had her keep it all this time. Very mixed emotions about whether I want to have these things or not. My husband has no idea about any of this. He knows that Bill and I dated in high school and were close but has never wanted to know much more. He knows about his death but has no idea how devestated I have been about it. I have learned to hide a lot of feelings in my adult life. Not sure what I want to do with these things. His sister says it's entirely up to me and she will meet me where and when I'm ready. I was finally able to delete his name from my contact list on my email address yesterday. Funny but I guess I kept thinking it was a bad dream and I would check and there would be a message from him waiting for me. Have a lot of soul searching to do in the next few weeks. Thank you for listening and letting me talk to someone about this.

Jan

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