Loss of my first love
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Loss of my first love
| Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:14am |
I have been wrestling with so many emotions the past ten days. I recently received word that my first love and lover had passed away at the age of 56. We hadn't actually seen each other for over twenty-five years but those feelings have never died. The hardest part is that he contacted by e-mail a few months ago and suddenly all those old feelings came right back to the surface. I'm trying to deal with the fact that he is gone forever and all those thoughts I had about getting to be with him one more time are gone forever. He had the whole world before him and now it's gone. I can't even begin to express the grief I am feeling to anyone around me because those emotions are something that nobody will understand. Just needed to get this out. Hopefully there is someone out there who has shared this type of situation.

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(((((Jan))))))
Glad that you had the opportunity to talk and discuss Bill with his sister, this was a good thing to be able to get some things off your chest.
As for taking this box with these items in it for you, well, I personally have mixed feelings about that. I myself would just leave the box with his sister to do with what she wants with it, as you have a life with a husband that is so wonderful and I would just close that door behind me and move on with my life. You will always have memories of Bill in your heart. This is only my opinion, but you have to do what you feel is right for you. What is good for one may not be good for another.
((((((((Hugs)))))))
Miriam
Oh, (((((Jan))))), I can just imagine what a shock it must have been to learn of those items ... especially the engagement and wedding rings.
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Thank you for your lovely suggestion about donating the proceeds to a charity that Bill was involved in. He was very active in the Shriner's Children's Hospital for reasons only really known between the two of us. I'm sure his wife had no idea why that was such an important charity to him. This was something I hadn't thought about since I was so shocked that these items still were in existence. Will let you know what I decide.
Thanks,
Jan
Thank you for your wise advise. I have decided to have his sister sell the rings and donate the proceeds to the Shriner's Children's Hospital. This was a very important charity to both of us since we were in high school. As far as the letter goes I have asked Carol to hold it for me until she and I can meet. The letter is several years old and I'm sure was written from his heart but was written after we were both married to someone else. I really would like to read it to get closure on this once and for all but not sure just when the time is right for me. I talked to my pastor and he feels that unless I read this I will never have closure. The memories will always be there within me but he's gone and I am grateful for the lovely life and family that God has given me to have and hold right now. I cherish each day and know that Bill is smiling down on me when I hold my grandson and know this is the place I was meant to be. Thank you for being so support in a very unusualy situation.
Jan
((((((Jan))))))
I am glad that you spoke with your pastor and I do agree that when you feel the time is right to read this letter, then you do so and I am sure you will have your closure then. I am also very happy to hear that you recognize the fact that you were also blessed with a wonderful life and family
I want to wish you all the very best and know that whenever you need a soft place to fall, a place to vent or just a place where you feel you need to talk, we are all here for you.
(((((hugs)))))
Miriam
Dea Miriam,
Thank you for your kind words and support about the death of my Bill. I kind of had a revelation talking to my pastor about everything. He pointed out the fact that not only did I lose someone that I had shared a very special love and relationship with but I lost a large part of my youth with his passing. That had never occurred to me until he pointed it out. It seems at middle-age we try to hold on to all that reminds us of when we were young and beautiful and sometimes lose sight of the beauty of maturity and all the wonderful things that come with it. I am very excited about being able to donate some money from the sale of the rings to the Shriner's children's Hospital and feel that Bill would be pleased to know what I had done. He will always be a part of me and my past with him helped make me the woman I am today who can give love, warmth and devotion with all my heart to those around me. I am blessed for having being one of the women in his life that he loved and cared about and am always grateful for the time I had with him on this earth. I know when I look at the stars at night that he is looking out a window from heaven and smiling upon me. I will never be alone and his love and caring will always be in my heart.
Jan
(((((Jan))))))
Not to many people have experienced the love you had for Bill. So you have been very fortunate in your life to have found your very first love of your life, and then was able to love another man with all of your heart. You come across to me as a very compassionate, loving, understanding and caring women and I think that the both men in your life were and are very lucky to have you.
So you have such good memories of your first love and you will continue having many more wonderful memories of your present love. You are a wise women and I believe that you are going down the right path.
Love ya,
Miriam
Thank you for your kind responses. Not only did my pastor help but all of you wonderful women who let me voice the pain I was going through. It was such a unique and difficult situation and the emotions I was feeling I really didn't understand. I never thought the pain would be this bad for somebody I loved so many years ago. All you are very special and I feel blessed to have made this contact. My husband and I have moved to many times in the past few years that female friendships with a real bond have been hard for me to continue. I have been grateful for all the phone calls I have received from friends back home in Indiana. I guess they all knew how much we were in love and that I would be grieving with all my heart for him. Don;t know how people can get through things like this without some kind of faith. God bless all of you.
Jan
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