An ex-wife,but still a mom
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| Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:35pm |
Is it possible to be grieving for your childrens loss? I have been divorced for 7 years,my three twentysomething children witnessed a painful divorce.I did not initiate the divorce and I was faithfull,if unhappy,YET,I feel at this moment,judged,unable to be part of the grieving process for their FAther who died recently from a terminal illness over a period of 1 year.
My daughter went off the rails during the divorce,but more recently seeing both parents finally settled with new partners,she came to be understanding of both her parents reasons for not being able to get along.But since his death has become two-faced towards me saying hateful things about me to her dads new wife,my Mother and her brother.
I have broken contact with my controlling and manipulative mother 3 years ago ,and am a happy wife to be,a loving mum,a person at peace,though recently feeling very unhappy.My daughter did not want me at the funeral,allowed mt Mother and Sister to attend.My mother never had anything good to say about my husband ,and made no contact with my children until they contacted her recemtly.She contacted my son on hearing of his FAthers death,in tears and said she was "disgusted at your Mother".My son was shocked and didnt know what she was talking about-it appears my daughter had told her of my marriage which is due to take place in 4 months,and i believe my daughter has said she is upset about it.I very carefully discussed this with my daughter pteviously and am hurt she has lied.i have built good relationships with both my kids and speak on the phone to my daughter nearly every day,and visit when possible.I adore both my children,and was also upset that she has inferred to lots of people that my son wants nothing to do with the family.THis is far from true,and has caused problems,but can not tell my son she has said this ,it would hurt him more at this time.
So,i am feeling attacked,vilified,trying to bite my tongue and support my grieving kids,my son is upset his granma is been at the funeral, my daughter said i had not been part of his life for years,my son pointed out to me that then why was his granma there but i cannot. I want to be dignified and not go down to the level of other family members,as i believe families are about love,not hate,trying to rise above it.
I also think my daughter has come off anti-depressants very rapidly and is getting out of control.ilove my kids so much,this is painful time for me.

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I am so sorry about all of this mess you are going through!
CO-CL to Stress and Women, Bereavement and Healing,
tremaine2007,
HUGS to you right now.
Welcome, Tremaine.
Thank you ladybug.All my children were growing up and coming to certain realisations themselves,including their Fathers role in the ending of the marriage (20 years),they surprised me at times with the clarity of their understanding,showing real maturity in analysing a difficult time.My daughter said we just werent compatible,that we were both good people but just shouldnt have been together.She acknowledged her Father had issues with denial,part of his personality,but was a "good enough Dad" if not a great Dad.I am tremendously proud of her for her intelligence and love she has within her.No doubt she has her views on my part in the final breakdown of the marriage which she may have expressed,though not to me.I hope ,in time to talk through these feelings and allow her to be the best in her life she can be.
She has been in distress in the past,and appears to be revisiting some of those feelings now (she has self-harmed and used drugs,though thankfully now stopped ).
She is strongly agaist anti-depressants,but broke down in the Doctors recently,and he gave them to her>I think she just wanted a few kind understanding words,and she later decided to come off them.Despite being told some people have problems when they come off them,she did so quickly,and I have seen a change,though can not tell if it is this.She is much more quick to lose her temper,nerves seem raw.
It is the input of other people in the family, My Mother,who having had no contact,are making things worse by being judgemental about things,having no understanding of my kids and their needs.My partner says this is my Mothers only way of trying to get control over me again,which she has now lost.I am trying to ignore it,and not let her see she is having an effect on me,which is what she wants.
I have an amazingly supportive partner,both of my own grieving,supportive of my children,both emotionally and financially,and a wise understandin man.My kids both like my partner and whats more ,he is very upbeat and positive,makes us laugh,a positive person is very usefull to have around in my life.
What a blessing to have found such a wonderful partner!
Do you think there is any
I am very sorry for all that you and your children are going through at this time. I strongly believe that this should of been your choice whether or not you wanted to attend your x husband's funeral. If you wanted to go, thenyou should of gone, as you are the parent and you had history with your x husband. You were married to him because you both loved each other at that time, and things do happen as the years go by.
As for your daughter, she sounds very angry, and probably has alot of different emotions going on right now. The death of her dad might of brought back alot of sad memories for her. If she wasn't able to deal with the divorce at that time and come to terms with it, ofcourse now that she has lost her dad permantly,this is an added stress for her. Perhaps she should seek some councelling as she may need to talk to some one that is objective and be able to talk about the divorce and her dad's death aswell.
Don't give up on her as she is hurting and greiving at this time. I would give her some time and some space. These things have a way of working out, just let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to come to you. Meanwhile you concentrate on your upcoming wedding, and have yourself lots of positive thoughts.
We are all here for you, when ever you need a soft place to fall. All the women here are very caring, compassionate and supportive. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
((((((((hugs)))))))) Miriam
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