An ex-wife,but still a mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
An ex-wife,but still a mom
14
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:35pm

Is it possible to be grieving for your childrens loss? I have been divorced for 7 years,my three twentysomething children witnessed a painful divorce.I did not initiate the divorce and I was faithfull,if unhappy,YET,I feel at this moment,judged,unable to be part of the grieving process for their FAther who died recently from a terminal illness over a period of 1 year.

My daughter went off the rails during the divorce,but more recently seeing both parents finally settled with new partners,she came to be understanding of both her parents reasons for not being able to get along.But since his death has become two-faced towards me saying hateful things about me to her dads new wife,my Mother and her brother.

I have broken contact with my controlling and manipulative mother 3 years ago ,and am a happy wife to be,a loving mum,a person at peace,though recently feeling very unhappy.My daughter did not want me at the funeral,allowed mt Mother and Sister to attend.My mother never had anything good to say about my husband ,and made no contact with my children until they contacted her recemtly.She contacted my son on hearing of his FAthers death,in tears and said she was "disgusted at your Mother".My son was shocked and didnt know what she was talking about-it appears my daughter had told her of my marriage which is due to take place in 4 months,and i believe my daughter has said she is upset about it.I very carefully discussed this with my daughter pteviously and am hurt she has lied.i have built good relationships with both my kids and speak on the phone to my daughter nearly every day,and visit when possible.I adore both my children,and was also upset that she has inferred to lots of people that my son wants nothing to do with the family.THis is far from true,and has caused problems,but can not tell my son she has said this ,it would hurt him more at this time.

So,i am feeling attacked,vilified,trying to bite my tongue and support my grieving kids,my son is upset his granma is been at the funeral, my daughter said i had not been part of his life for years,my son pointed out to me that then why was his granma there but i cannot. I want to be dignified and not go down to the level of other family members,as i believe families are about love,not hate,trying to rise above it.
I also think my daughter has come off anti-depressants very rapidly and is getting out of control.ilove my kids so much,this is painful time for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:57pm

I am so sorry about all of this mess you are going through!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:55pm

tremaine2007,


HUGS to you right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:06pm

Welcome, Tremaine.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 5:37am
Thank you karen,i agree with the advice and will keep a little distance,give a little space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 5:59am

Thank you ladybug.All my children were growing up and coming to certain realisations themselves,including their Fathers role in the ending of the marriage (20 years),they surprised me at times with the clarity of their understanding,showing real maturity in analysing a difficult time.My daughter said we just werent compatible,that we were both good people but just shouldnt have been together.She acknowledged her Father had issues with denial,part of his personality,but was a "good enough Dad" if not a great Dad.I am tremendously proud of her for her intelligence and love she has within her.No doubt she has her views on my part in the final breakdown of the marriage which she may have expressed,though not to me.I hope ,in time to talk through these feelings and allow her to be the best in her life she can be.

She has been in distress in the past,and appears to be revisiting some of those feelings now (she has self-harmed and used drugs,though thankfully now stopped ).

She is strongly agaist anti-depressants,but broke down in the Doctors recently,and he gave them to her>I think she just wanted a few kind understanding words,and she later decided to come off them.Despite being told some people have problems when they come off them,she did so quickly,and I have seen a change,though can not tell if it is this.She is much more quick to lose her temper,nerves seem raw.

It is the input of other people in the family, My Mother,who having had no contact,are making things worse by being judgemental about things,having no understanding of my kids and their needs.My partner says this is my Mothers only way of trying to get control over me again,which she has now lost.I am trying to ignore it,and not let her see she is having an effect on me,which is what she wants.

I have an amazingly supportive partner,both of my own grieving,supportive of my children,both emotionally and financially,and a wise understandin man.My kids both like my partner and whats more ,he is very upbeat and positive,makes us laugh,a positive person is very usefull to have around in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 6:14am
Thanks capecod.I have to get the right balance of allowing her to express her anger,but not allowing this to become abusive towards me.I think this is one of my main concerns,i again mention my Own Mother, who is very critical,of everyone and everything,always has been, and I am deeply concerned she will,no IS, using this as an opportunity to "get even" ,without thinking that my kids are the thing that matter at the moment,not her. That this is turn,she will stoke up my daughters negative feelings,clearly not healthy.THere is no way I can tell my MOther to back off,I dont think,because it will just go back to the whole bitching vicious circle "he said,she said" i had a life time of this.My partner recently admitted to me that when we first got together,he thought he could heal,what he thought was a rift between myself and my MOther,but now knows that she is just not a good person to be around.I guess I have been made to feel guilty all my life,i want to move my family on to a much better way of being,and i think I am,but it is quite painful.Sorry to anyone reading these responses,its all relevant,if rather long
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:35am

What a blessing to have found such a wonderful partner!


Do you think there is any

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:42am
I dont think so,although she has admitted to drinking a little more ( alcohol also a problem in her past-mainly to the degree of becoming completely unconcious).I have talked with her about the dangers of self medicating,but i doubt very much she will listen. She noe has a reason to be strong-my delightful Grandaughter and a supportive partner,though their are issues there that need (are being )addressing.She will not see a counsellor,she is very independant and believes she is strong enough to get through by herself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 4:38pm


I am very sorry for all that you and your children are going through at this time. I strongly believe that this should of been your choice whether or not you wanted to attend your x husband's funeral. If you wanted to go, thenyou should of gone, as you are the parent and you had history with your x husband. You were married to him because you both loved each other at that time, and things do happen as the years go by.

As for your daughter, she sounds very angry, and probably has alot of different emotions going on right now. The death of her dad might of brought back alot of sad memories for her. If she wasn't able to deal with the divorce at that time and come to terms with it, ofcourse now that she has lost her dad permantly,this is an added stress for her. Perhaps she should seek some councelling as she may need to talk to some one that is objective and be able to talk about the divorce and her dad's death aswell.

Don't give up on her as she is hurting and greiving at this time. I would give her some time and some space. These things have a way of working out, just let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to come to you. Meanwhile you concentrate on your upcoming wedding, and have yourself lots of positive thoughts.

We are all here for you, when ever you need a soft place to fall. All the women here are very caring, compassionate and supportive. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

((((((((hugs)))))))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:57am
Thank you Miriam. I am being strong for my family,In addition to this,i feel very very undermined,hurt at my my own Mothers comment that "she is disgusted" (because I am getting married.I am so angry that instead of keeping her head down,she chose to use that moment to try to settle perceived scores(the day their FAther died) instead of offering support.I can not believe that she can be so selfish,her comments shocked and amazed my son. She assumes all my Family hate me because I am remarrying (after 7 years!!)She has had virtually no contact with my children,then true to form,her only comments are full of anger and hate. This is not how my family choose to be,neither do I want to be a part of that sort of life any more.

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