What Am I Going to Do? (newbie)
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| Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:03pm |
This is my first time posting on this board. I'm hoping for some words of encouragement, or some sort of silver bullet to make this pain go away. Right now, I feel like my world has just fallen apart, I have fallen and I can no longer stand up again.
Four days ago, I attended the funeral of my best friend.
Let me start from the beginning...(I will try to be as brief as possible).
I moved to Atlanta April 2006, I had gone thru several close personal loses...and I felt I needed to start anew. So I found a job and an apartment and moved to Atlanta. Without friends and barely any family here, I made the move almost effortlessly.
In September of that same year, a new person was hired, the new Business Analyst. And almost from the very beginning we clicked. We became fast friends...although I really didn't realized it until months later.
March 27, 2007, a Tuesday...everyone in the department was required to be in the office that day. But for some reason my friend had not arrived. By 10am, I began to worry, and other co-workers began asking about her...had anyone heard from her, had I heard from her. I began calling, no answer. I started texting her phone, no reply. Finally I thought to call one of her other friends to see if she had heard from her or knew some other friend that might know what was going on. A couple of hours later, she calls back and gave me the news. My friend was in the hospital in very critical condition, she had a brain bleed and part of her left frontal lobe had to be removed. At the point of hearing this news, I realized just how much my friend had come to mean to me, I was so scared and worried I was for her health.
My friend made it thru the surgery, she got thru physical rehabilitation in no time, and breezed thru speech therapy with flying colors. Everyone, even her doctors were amazed at her progress, it was absolutely remarkable how well she was doing.
May 25th, she returned to Atlanta...with all intention of returning to work the following week. She made an appointment for a CT Scan and check up in order to get a release to return to work. She went to the CT Scan alone, but asked me if I would go with her to the doctor. I was more than happy too. I took my lunch hour to accompany her to her appointment. I have to admit, that was one of the best decisions I ever made. Because the results turned out to be something neither of us had ever expected. The news waa devastating to say the least. The doctor said that bleed looked like it was back, and he needed to admit her to the hospital for further test, a MRI.
She had the MRI that Thursday night and was released the next day to me. The nurse then told me that they had found a tumor, where the bleed was and it was pretty sizeable. Because of the size and location of the tumor..risk of seizure, someone needed to be with her that weekend until the following Monday when the biopsy was schedule. So she stayed with me that weekend, she and her daughter. That weekend I noticed a steady decline in her mental and physical abilities...and it scared us both. But i tried my best to keep her spirits up.
Monday June 4th the biopsy was perform, this time we received another blow, one that no one again expected. The doctor told us, me and her family that he was sorry, and that my friend had the worst possible form of brain cancer any human could have...glioblastoma multiforme. Her life expectancy would be anywhere from three months to two years. We were all crushed by this news. The wind was knocked out of all of us.
Wednesday June 6th, she was released from the hospital, going back to her boyfriend's house, where her sister and daughters stayed with her. I lived about 30minutes away, but i was there almost everyday if not everyday.
Thursday June 22nd(?), her sister moved her to her home in Alabama there she would have chemo and radiation.
Early Friday Morning, she was rushed to the hospital. By Sunday June 24th, she was in a coma and then Thursday June 28th, she died.
Even though my friend and I have not known each of that long, the friendship that we development in a short time, it felt as though we have known each other a lifetime. She came along during a time in my life when I thought I would never ever develop such a friendship with so much love, trust and understanding. She found her way behind my concrete wall of security.
And now she's gone, and I feel so lost. I just don't know what I am going to do without her in my life. I can barely bring myself to look at a picture of her. If I think about her too much I begin to cry. My heart is broken...my friend is gone.
People constantly tell me...keep living... keep busy...hang out with your other friends...
And my favorite...Time heals all wounds.
And I think to myself... Living for what? Keep Busy doing what? and what other friends do I have? This wound is so large...it will be another lifetime before it can even begin healing.
There is just so much going on in my head right now. I can barely think...let alone sleep. Three weeks is just not long enough...before anyone could adjust to what was going on, she was gone. It just seems so unfair.
My heart is broken into a billion pieces...
I'm lost...and I don't know what to do.
C

OH C, (((((((((MANY HUGS))))))))
Welcome to the board, I am Beth, one of the cls here. We call this a
((((((C)))))
What are you going to do? You have already started sweetheart. Your talking about it. Your crying, Your feeling hurt. That is good. Yes, all the same old clachets (sp?) sound empty and worthless, but remember sweetie, your wound is new and fresh and raw. You need to grieve and cry. I always say tears makes room for smiles and happy memories.
Remember we all grieve in our own way. There is not a right or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes keeping a daily diary helps. I know coming here helped me and is helping as I wait for my sweet dad to pass. He has terminal lung cancer and is living with us. THey gave him 6 months, well the little stinker is going into his 7th, bless his soul. The ladies here have helped me tremendously and they will you too.
Please let us know how your doing, we care and want to be there for you.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxo
(((((((HUGS))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend as well so I can somewhat understand what you're going through. Other than the parent-child relationship I don't think there is a stronger relationship out there than one between 2 female best friends...family in the best, most raw sense of the word. It's been almost 5 years (this month) and I still think about her all the time.
I know it seems as if everything is falling apart now but it will get better. It doesn't matter how long you've known someone if you have that type of relationship. I just met my best friend about a year and a half ago and I can't imagine my life without her. Take solace in the fact that you were there for her and I'm sure she appreciated it very much. It takes a true friend to be there for the worst times as well as the best and you exhibited that to her. She was lucky to have you as a friend.
Julie
Many, many hugs at such a difficult time. I too lost my mom in just over a 3 week period totally unexpectedly and I too have felt the frustration of not having time to absorb the news. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It was 2 months ago yesterday that Mom died and honestly, this is the first week since it happened that I have evenly remotely felt like myself so the thing I can most encourage you to do is give yourself much, much more time. Unfortunately, those around you, especially because you indicate they don't know you well, are trying to offer whatever they can as inadequate and ill advised as it seems. The encouragement to keep busy, move on, etc. is just too soon and no one really knows when the right time will be for that. In the meantime, just try to take care of yourself the best you know how.
Also, not sleeping turned out to be a major stumbling block for me and I opted to contact my doc for some sleep medication after several weeks. It just really was keeping me from getting back on my feet and I was barely functioning. I wish I had listened to my friends sooner who were all clamoring for me to make the call.
Many hugs and I hope you'll come back often for support here and wherever else you might find it.
Peg
Thanks to everyone that has responded thus far. I am happy I came across this board. Everyone seems very nice. You guys know exactly how I am feeling right now.
I still can not believe all this has happened. It has been exactly one week since she passed. I keep going back to the three weeks that had...Just three short weeks. Deep within my heart I really thought we had more time, more time to talk, more time to laugh, more time to just be.
I miss seeing her every day. I miss talking to her...I miss her smile...I especially miss the way she use to say my name. I miss how she would grab my hand or strum her fingers in the palm before I left for the night. And the hugs................
I don't think there is a day that goes by that I haven't cried. I think about her constantly. Everything and anything seems to remind me of her. There were so many plans, so much she wanted to do. She has gone thru so much in her life and it was all beginning to turn around...she was just about to gain the independence she so badly wanted...it was finally in reach.
A week ago I sat on the side of the bed as she rested and we talked about when i got my new car, how we would hit the highway, open the sunroof and drive...just go anywhere and everywhere. She smiled as we talked about it. To think about it now, just breaks my heart. When I do get my car, I will look at the passenger seat and wish with all my might that she sitting next to me.
But these things will never be... And i don't know how to move forward. I feel paralyzed afraid of what will be next, whats around the corner, what is the next devastating event that will occur in my life.
Thanks again to everyone...for reading my rants...and sharing your experiences with me and giving me a forum to vent and gain wisdom...
Many many hugs,
C
WOW...God Bless you!!
I am so sorry for your loss. How quickly life changes and how important it is to experience each and every friend that comes into our lives to the fullest. Your story has so many messages to learn from.
I wish you much love and sympathy. I hope that you can find peace and solace right now knowing that she isn't suffering any longer. I know it's what people are suppose to say and only serves to frustrate most of us but in your case it was so quick for her so there was minimal suffering. Sorry.....I wish I had some magic words for you. I can only tell you that you have come to the right place. The wonderful people here are understanding and loving and will embrace you.
Kiki
Thanks Laceuptiffany...
I've been thinking about doing just that...writing a letter to her. But the thought of it makes me so sad. I just miss her so much.
I keep going over those last couple of weeks, I keep going over those moments when we talked...and some of the things that were said. I just never ever thought it would be over so quickly. I had no idea. I feel cheated...I feel she was cheated most of all.
The grief, the pain that I feel is unbelieveable to me. I recently lost a couple of relatives that were extremely close. I grieved for them, the pain was intense, but for some reason this seems different, even more painful if that's possible.
I just don't know what I'm going to do?
Thanks again for replying,
C