Can't believe He is gone...
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| Thu, 07-12-2007 - 1:27pm |
I guess some people will think I am a horrible person. But I loved two men. Very similar in type not similar in age. Ray and I started out as friends. But we just got closer and closer. He was quite older than me. He loved two women Me and his Wife. I got pregnant but when push came to shove we chose to stay with our spouses but could not break our bond. I lost the child in the first trimester. It hurt all of us. So we went our ways for about a year. Then one day He emailed and we started out as friends again. I hadn't seen him in 4 years and we decided when I came back to Florida we would meet again. The first time we set up the meeting it didn't work out for us. The second time was to be the 28th the day before I had to come home. He called on the 21st to tell me everything was a go. He said he'd call again. He never called. All day the 28th I waited sadness building in me. Thinking he had decided not to be with me at all. I came home with a very deep sadness. On the 3rd of July I was so desperate to know what happened I googled his name and obituary. And unbelievably there it was. He had died on the 22nd of June. The sadness was so overwhelming. I was home when they had the memorial service but was unaware My Love was gone! His wishes were to be cremated and spread in the Lake that he fought to keep as a wildlife sanctuary and where he had his home. I can visit the lake when I go back to Florida.
He adored me. Lifted me up. Sometimes I wan to scream that HE IS NOT GONE! But his daughter called and confirmed it. The pain in my heart is so awful. But now there is more pain because my husband is hurt because I am mourning this man. I think we may separate. It will be God's punishment to lose them both. It was God's punishment for me to lose his Baby. I want him BACK it's not fair. They told me it was either a major heart attack or an aneurysm. They found him in the yard and did CPR but he was gone.
I can't see anything in my mind except him lying there then the memorial then the cremation. It is horrifying to me. I took an overdose and spent 4 days in the hospital. But even though I now go on with this life I have I want to believe it is all a ruse and that he did all this to finally break free from me, the us. I could live better if I knew he was still alive and just had to leave me now. But I know that is crazy thinking.
Julie


Hello and welcome
My name is Beth, and I am one of the cls here. You will find no condemnation here...we don't fault a person for loving, we just support them in their loss.
It must be so terribly hard to have found out as you did. Is there any way that you can make a personal, private memorial to him. Is there a charity or cause you can support in his name.
I do know that you must take care of yourself. He was, you said, someone who lifted you up. He would not want you to drag yourself into suicidal despair. Please consider grief counselling.
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