Loss of Siblings

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Loss of Siblings
6
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:01pm

I lost my younger sister Julie in 2003 and my brother Dan last August. Both died suddenly, though Julie had been battling a decades-long eating disorder since she was very young and finally, her organs gave out. My brother Dan was the healthiest, most active and most "green" person you'd ever meet-his job was to protect endangered land and he and his wife made a second "career" of rescuing abandoned dogs. He died during a biopsy to determine if a mass in his brain was a malignant tumor-so we did not have a chance to come to terms with an illness, nor did he did have a chance to have treatment.

Both of my parents are still living, although both now in their eighties, and their lives have just been crushed; they raised 8 kids and always worked so hard and were and are such wonderful parents-they care about everyone-even now my Mom worries about others who are grieving and suffering before she indulges in her own grief. I hate that they have had to endure this; it is a double grief on top of losing a wonderful sister and brother. We were just coming to terms with Julie's death when Danny died-how can this happen? I cannot believe it is a part of any logical bigger plan-it simply makes no sense at all. Both of these fabulous young people worked tirelessly in an effort to protect animal rights and the environment and were badly needed by this earth. My brother, as an attorney for NY state land protection was making a tangible contribution every day-and my sister worked whenever her health permitted to aid women without insurance, another cause dear to her heart.

I don't know if others here have lost siblings-it seems to be a form of grief and loss not often served by the available resources.

And also, sadly, one that is not seen to be as great a loss as other forms of loss...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: cluciano
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:22pm

(((((Cluciano))))), you have come to a safe place where others will understand your grief and your questions.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
In reply to: cluciano
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 3:28pm

Thanks for your reply-I have been involved in CF sa my Mom likes to go to meetings in NY so I have gone with her these past years and she has made a very close friend who has helped her so much.

We don't have a sibling group in ABQ but I have logged onto some chats from time to time...

I was mostly venting yesterday as my brother's death anniversary is coming up in August...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
In reply to: cluciano
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 4:08pm

Hi


I am Beth, the other cl here. My mom died 6 years ago this past week. My big sister died in 2004. She, like your siblings, was a wonderful person, a special education teacher. I refuse to believe that there was some great plan. I choose to believe in a G-d who helps me through the hard times, and doesn't cause them, if you know what I mean.


I miss Mom, but I miss my sister too. Differently.


I am glad you found us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: cluciano
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 12:22am
Yes, I had noticed that ... definitely a difficult time for you.


Thank you, Jean, for this lovely signature!

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AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
In reply to: cluciano
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 1:37pm

(((((cluciano))))))

I am so sorry for your losses and I am sending you and your parents my deepest condolences, and may the good memories of your siblings help you and your family through your grief.

You have mentioned that, "sadly, one that is not seen to be as great a loss as other forms of loss." I feel that both your brother and sister played a big role in your lives and shared your past and future aswell.Perhaps you should think of speaking with a grieve councellor as I feel that it is of the utmost importance to be able to express your feelings and show some of your emotions. Give yourself permission to grieve, to talk about your siblings and your feelings.There is no time table of how long it takes to heal. take one day at a time and know that you are not alone. The women here are very understanding and very supportive.

Perhaps one day when you feel up to it you can share a few things about your siblings, as they sound like they were wonderful people.

So, when you need a soft place to fall, somewhere where you can vent, you know that you can count on all of us here on this board to be here for you.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your parents,

(((((hugs))))) Miriam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
In reply to: cluciano
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 4:12pm

Thank you for your kind words. Some days are better than others and at times, I can remember both Danny and Julie with good memories more than grief but still, the very fact of their being gone forever is so hard to grasp. I do see a wonderful therapist and she helps me a lot-I wish my older sisters would do the same but they are stubborn.

Julie was the youngest child of 8 in our family; she was beautiful and talented. When she was eleven, she was becoming a great tennis player and according to her diary we found after her death, a gym teacher told her she needed to lose weight and that her "boobs" were a problem. Julie was mortified and began starving herself or purging at once. She was never able to recover from her eating disorders no matter what she tried. My parents eventually were able to talk her into inpatient clinics but nothing worked for her. She was this way all her life but tried to hide it from all of us, though she confided in me at times. When I last saw her, a few months before she went into a coma, she told me she knew she was dying. She still was so pretty and dressed perfectly and did her hair perfectly and tried so hard to hide her secret life-it is so sad. My Mom and Dad were just tortured for years by Julie's pain and they stayed very close always.

In January 2003, her esophogus (spelling?) ruptured from years of purging and she lost a lot of blood and went into a coma; she stayed mostly in a coma, sometimes sort of awake, for 7 weeks before she died in a hospice. It was horrible-my younger brother Charlie stayed with her in the hospital or hospice every night in case she ever woke up. He was with her when she died. She was 37.

Julie was like the rest of us in her love for animals; her dog Scout was completely lost when she died; he is with the man who was her fiance when she died.

My brother Dan, an environmental laywer, and his wife Cheryl, rescued dogs, and had seven of their own, now cared for my Cheryl on her own in their home near Albany, NY. He was an amazing person; when he died were stunned by the number of people at the service; the church doors had to be left open, it was overflowing. So many people wanted to get up and talk about Dan. He received many awards and dedications for land her had protected from development and one town named a park after him. We were overwhelmed. Even a former governer of NY send a telegram. Dan began to feel sick last summer and started having tests for about a month and finally they feared a brain tumor. He never awoke after the brain biopsy. He was 52.

I have met many people since Julie died, and then Dan, who have suffered loss of a family member and it does help. Many friends who have not been thru this do not really understand the magnitude of the loss but they do the best they can.

My Mom is the strongest, kindest woman in the world. Even at the Compassionate Friends meetings I have attended with her when I am in NY, she is trying to help the others there, when she has lost two of her children so recently.

I really got carried away here! But the world lost two wonderful people who always tried to make a difference. They both worked at their beliefs instead of just talking about it.

Speaking of animals...I ws supposed to fly to Vegas today with my husband (we have not traveled together in ages, due to my physical condition-I have chronic back pain as well arthritis in both knees and nerve damage in my pelvis!) and I had to stay behind as my cat is sick! I could not leave him! We live in ABQ so I may fly over tomorrow AM if Mookie is better!

Thanks for letting me ramble,

Conny