Loss of Son

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Loss of Son
55
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:58pm
My only child, a 20-year-old son passed away 4th of July. Someone sold him Oxycotin, he fell asleep and never woke up. I went to wake him up on the couch for the 4th of July celebration and he was dead. It has been almost two weeks and I feel numb. All I can do is cry. I feel anger until the police get the two people who sold it to him. I feel anger that he bought something in the first place. He was my life. I hadn't dated in 15 years because all I wanted was to have him get his life together. He was gorgeous, sweet, loved his Mom and now I feel like there is nothing left. My name is Susie. I live in Allen, Texas and am 55 years old in a few days. He didn't do it on purpose. He graduated 5 weeks ago and I buried him in his graduation gown. I guess I am rambling but I look forward to getting and giving support here. Thank you. Susie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:39pm
Hello, Louise.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 6:36pm

Louise,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, but so happy that you seem to be coping with it in a positive way. I hope I can do that.

I have not been on here for the past couple of weeks. I went back to work for two weeks and last week was my first week of short-term disability. I work for a very stressful lawfirm and just couldn't focus like i needed to so I will be off for three months, trying to begin the healing process. My family have continued to come from Oklahoma, five hours away, to be here with me, my Mom, 2 sisters, 1 brother and 2 nieces rotating weeks. They are a Godsend.

I will find out the results of the toxicology test and the police know who one of the guys who sold the Oxycontin to my son is so they can hopefully charge him and the other guy.

I found out that the girl Jordan was dating for just a month says she is pregnant. She went back to her old boyfriend 4 days before Jordan died so she didn't even know he died until a few days ago when she called her Mother to tell her she was pregnant. It is possible it's the boyfriend she has been with or maybe it's Jordan's. He was devastated when she left him. I have very mixed emotions about all this but it is something I can't focus on right now.

I hope everyone on this board will have a good week and I will have you all in my prayers.
Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 7:38pm
(((((Susie))))), my prayers are with you.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 9:11pm

Dear Suzee.
You are wise to take time from your stressful job.
It is wonderful of your family to spend time with you to help you get through such a trying time.
I understand the mixed feelings you are having.
Try not to let those thoughts overtake you. When they enter your mind please let them go. You have enough pain to deal with. Sometimes my thoughts try to pull me down, I feel the sadness, but I become aware enough not to let those thoughts pull me down and they lose their power over my mind.

I know it's not an easy thing to do, but, it can be done.

God help you during this painful time in your life I know what you are going through, time is a healer, it will pass.
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 9:48pm

Thanks Louise,

I have always been a firm believer in exercise helping stress so I'm trying to do as much walking as I can. One of my favorite places is at a rec center on an upstairs track. I would look down and Jordan would play basketball with guys and it was so fun to yell down at him, "Great shot" while I was walking around the track. Now I find that everytime I go there, I walk three miles and I am crying almost the entire time. So I've finally gotten wise and decided I needed not to go there for awhile. It's not the right place now. I'll go to another place to workout that I'm a member of that doesn't have the memories.

We went to the movies and had a super nice time the night before Jordan passed away. Stayed up until 3:00 in the morning watching TV and I brought him cookies and milk and he said I love you Mom, is everything going to be okay. I said it sure is. I love you too sweetie. It didn't turn out to be so as he died that next day. Right now I can't think of going to the movies.

I guess we just do what we can do and have to take care of ourselves one day at a time. What may be uncomfortable today, may be okay a month from now. I'm so early into this. I have cried a lot today just looking at his pictures. My ex had to put the pictures away because it hurt too much to look at them now.

If anyone knows any coping tips that have worked for you, please let me know. Going to the grocery store is one of the worst places now because everything reminds me of the foods he liked.

Thank you all.
Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 11:30pm


Suzee
It sounds as if you have the right idea, walking is the best thing you can do. I also walked and cried and by the time I got home I felt more relaxed emotionally.
It makes it easier to cope by putting all photos away for another day when you become stronger.
I would give everything that belonged to him to a non profit orginazation to help the needy. When my husband died, the very next day I emptied his closet and took everything to a non profit shop that helped the senior citizens.
My son lived in Thailand when he was killed or I would have done the same with his things.

I don't know if you can do it, but it was what I did.
Walk with your friends or relatives, it's less lonely and talking helps.

Try and relax and please remember to keep your thoughts from pulling you into painful memories. And yes do not go to familiar places that would only bring you more pain then you can bear.

To help me relax and fall asleep I use valium on occasion. It can be purchased at a health food store. It is a natural tranqulizer.
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:01pm
Suzeeh1952,
I know what you are going thru because I lost my son at age 15 a little over a year ago. It is still very painful for me but I know that it is because I loved my son so much. For some reason that is comforting for me to understand why I am hurting. I was surprised at how the grief was both PHYSICAL as well as emotional. My whole being had been thru such trauma (I also found my son dead in his room). He was kind and gentle and never had caused any trouble. His death from suicide was quite a shock to everyone who knew him.
Walking is probably one of the best things you can do. I also wrote down things I could remember about times we shared. After I wrote everything I could think of, I put the notebook away and have not been able to look at it since. I'm glad I did it and I think that one day I will be able to read it with happy memories instead of pain (I hope). I also found that almost everyone around me had some kind of gift that helped me get through each day and still helps me. You will find those people and don't be afraid to lean on them and ask for help. Find a Compassionate Friends group and go at least once. It could be the best thing for you to share with others. And keep in mind is that there is know right or wrong as to how we grieve. As I write that I realize it would be wrong to turn to destructive behavoirs but if you are having trouble coping, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about medication. Hope this is somewhat helpful. You are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 6:43pm
Hi Barbara
Thanks for notifying me to edit a misprint. However I am unable to find the edit icon.
I would appreciate your help.
Thank You
Louise
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 7:43pm

If you look beneath your previous post, you will find a task bar.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: suzeeh1952
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:20pm
Sorry Barbara
I am unable to find anything below my posts.
All I see are a list of posts.
Louise