New to this Board......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
New to this Board......
6
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:14pm

Hi I am new to this board, however not to Ivillage, so I will give a little background. In November of 2006 I lost my FIL at age 89 years, after being given the blessing of helping to care for him at the end. I count it as a blessing because on 5/20/07, my father passed away on the midnight shift at an Automotive plant. Totally unexpected, although should have seen it coming, he only had 40% of his heart functioning for the past 10 years, it was like seeing a train come down the track but never knowing when it was going to arrive at your station. The call came in at 3:58a.m. from my Mom telling me to get to the hospital, that the plant had called and Daddy was being transported to the hospital. Well my hubby and I were first to arrive, and having worked in the health care field off and on, I just knew I wasn't going into the little room they were trying to escort me into. To make a very long story short, the plant phones were down, security guard had walked off of his post, and the AED certified person that was supposed to be scheduled was not. There was a huge delay in getting any help for my Dad, still don't know if it would have made a difference, or why God let me have the time with my FIL but not my own Dad! THEN on 06/06/06 my husband's bestfriend was killed.

I don't think I have been the same since all of this. It has been gently suggested that I exhibit some symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress. I am not saying I am always rational in my thinking, but I think sometimes it is just normal the way I deal and feel about things. I had a hard time momentarily letting any of our three teenagers out of my sight. Even if they left with family members, although I have gotten better about this. My hubby and I have gotten cell phones with two way radios, I sometimes refer to it as my lowjack however, I think it gives me a sense of "control" over bad things happening either real or imagined control over life. I am not waiting on an answer I know where everyone is. I can't leave the house without it, not even for a quick run to the grocery store.

Just about all of my joy in life is gone. My hubby and I bought our first house last August, and never not once did I get to be all giddy and excited. I wanted to, it just wouldn't come. People asked about an open house, I did not want to celebrate so we didn't have one. Part of it is that we could afford the house thanks to a blessing we received from my FIL's passing, part of it was my Dad didn't get to inspect and give the thumbs up for the house we are in. I really needed Daddy to say it was a good choice, sound dwelling, nice property etc. and that never was going to happen.

My husbands family seems to have come out of this okay, maybe because my FIL was 89 years old, (hubby is 11 years older than me, he will be 50 this fall)while my family is falling apart. My Dad was only 62 years old. I am the oldest of 4 girls, my hubby is the youngest of 4 boys. I can't figure out if they are doing so well because they are older, because they are primarily males, OR just better at grieving. My side of the family is just falling apart. My mom has become a different person altogether, and I find myself pulling away more and more. I pull away verses arguing or fighting. Prior to Dad's death, I was known for telling it like it is, and sometimes not so nicely, however very honest and straight forward. Now I just avoid it all when it comes to my mom and my sisters.

Anyway, that's my story, and I don't know how to make life fun again! I try, I put on my game face, but deep in my heart I jus don't really feel it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:02pm

Hi


Welcome, I am Beth, one of the cls here. Will it make you feel better to know that what you are feeling is as normal as what your husband's family is feeling? We are all different. I know I can't stand it if my DH is late. He absolutely needs to call or I go quietly insane. Our 11 year old has her own Tracfone because I want her to be able to reach me. And I am better than I was!


Did you ever think about grief counseling? Not an ordinary therapist, but one specifically for grief. Hospice has some great ones.


Again, welcome, you have found yourself among friends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:40pm

Thanks for the welcome. I think my whole family is in need of counseling, however because my Mom is a big wig within her church specifically with Grief counseling, there is a huge denial for this need. My immediate family seems to be doing well, thankfully I have my hubby to keep me in check. My Mom on the other hand, has become an entirely different person, and I don't like what I am seeing. I keep thinking she just doesn't like me then when I talk to my other sisters I find out she has said and done things similar to them, that was hurtful. When I try to gently confront my Mom, she just blows me off. Its like if I am not going full tilt pissed off at her, she thinks its just not that serious. There is a lot of emotional game playing on her part as well, and I don't think she was like this before my Dad's death.

Things she has done that are appalling to me:

1. When disposing of my father's ashes, we utilized my BIL's boat to go out on the river. Well the plan was to meet at his house at 1:00pm, well I get a call on my cell phone at 1:10pm screaming about where I am. I was up the street at a furniture store, she had elected to sit in her car instead of ringing the door bell of my BIL's house, where my children were waiting on the families arrival and was planning on calling us to let us know they had arrived. I waited in the car for her to come out while my Hubby and BIL went in the house (she had finally went in). She screamed and had a fit at my husband in front of his brother, who was kind enough to take us out on his boat. My BIL still can't see what I did wrong, neither can I. She insisted on disposing of the ashes, one week after I purchased my home, about 3 months after Dad's death. She knew I was double booked all the way around. She even had a fit thinking I had suggested a particular restaurant to go to afterwards, she still doesn't get that as she was shrieking and complaining, that it was my BIL suggestion!

2. Mom has started playing headgames with her health issues. One minute us girls can know nothing the next she dropps whole stories on extended family memebers in front of us! Example: Cousins graduation, this is where us girls found out she has vision issues and needs issues. She spit it out like it was common knowledge and NONE of us had a clue. Or when I tell her to get to the doctor about how swollen her legs are she tells me about an enlarged aorta that was diagnosed a year ago, and tries to tell me that WE all KNOW about this, NONE of my sisters had a clue.

3. Mom loves to tell us she isn't like her widow friends as she is only 59 years old, however she does things, acts like we need to MOTHER HER! Mom insisted on selling the family home and moving into a condo, however the crises of the moment is that there are too many memories in the old house for her to complete the clean out task, so us girls are having to pick up the slack. Not just our stuff left there over the years either. There was a big clean out this weekend and she PROMISED not to go over there, said everything she wanted was out. Guess who was there, and shrieking about her possesions?

4. She over idolized Dad's memory. Cries she does everything alone now, when she did for YEARS anyway. Growing up, Dad was always working overtime, missing many gatherings, and for the last 5 years of his life worked the midnight shift, so they didn't sleep together at night, and during the day he was asleep. I realize it isn't the same as having a husband at home asleep or at work, but at times when us girls were single mothers she would tell us how she knew exactly what we were going through from basically raising us kids alone, we would try to tell her it was a bit different having a man bring home the bacon for you, but she couldn't see it wasn't the same! Recently when she had my hubby switch around appliances from the old house to the new, gave this huge speech that Dad was the only one she EVER trusted around gas appliances. Well I made her mad when I reminded her that it wasn't true, when Dad replaced the furnace, she had it inspected before she would let him fire it up!

Sometimes she thanks me for bluntly bringing the reality of it all back to the forefront. Other times I think I have hurt her feelings, which is never my intention, but she wants to live in some fantasy that never existed!

The other thing is, us girls get the distinct impression she is angry, mad, and jealous of our relationships. Now some of this we are certain is a natural human response to being alone, and we can look past it. However, she is really hurtful sometimes. She will go to see my youngest sister who is equal in distance to Mom as me, if not further away. If I invite Mom out, she will tell me it is too far of a drive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:08pm

Hi!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 3:21pm

hugs hugs hugs - it's been a rough time for you and whoa you are going through so much right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 3:41pm

Actually, it has been a year and two months. So it isn't about the speed in which she is making this change, its about the way she is going about it. She wasn't ready to move in any respect, now she has a big mess, and it is expected that us girls pick up the slack. Which of course we will do, but we have to fight her tooth and nail on EVERYTHING. Last weekend she was not supposed to be at the "old" house, had everything out of it that she wanted. Well lo and behold, she would not stay away. She is spending a fortune on 1-800-GOT JUNK taking crap away, but is offended if we offer to arrange for a dumpster for about 1/4 of the costs! This doesn't include all the charity pick ups that have been ongoing.

Before she bought this condo, she was going to buy a manufactured home in a mobile home park, I got her out of that narrowly. I do not have a prejuidice about mobile homes, just that they do not retain their value, she has storm phobia's (they had no residents shelter), and truly what she needed/wanted was a new project, and I told her so. Two months later without a thought she bought this condo and has herself backed into a financial corner. She either has to sell it or rent it by the end of August. If you know anything about Michigan, people are running OUT of this state in a stampede! Houses are not selling, and now she has a mortgage payment on the "old" house, and now the association monthly fee's at the condo which she paid cash for. She wants to take all these short cuts for selling the existing home, and she is going to get screwed at the time of closing. This home needs more updates than Carter's has pills. Even the minimal ones, like replace the deck she had us rip out after Dad died, she refuses to do. I know for a fact there are electrical, plumbing and drainage issues at this home. My hubby and I thought if someone gives her a crappy offer and she is that pressed for the cash, maybe we will offer $1,000 over their offer and turn it into a flip. However, seeing everything that needs to be done, I don't think it would be profitable in the near future, we would have to rent it out until the economy here turns around. MY OTHER ISSUE WITH THIS CONDO, is that for a year when I was a senior in H.S. my parents divorced and then remarried, well these condos back then were apartments, and this is where my mother chose to live then and now. So I don't have anything fond to say about them, and she is mad that I have been there only one time, and didn't see every nook and cranny.

I can't parent my parent, she won't listen to me. She keeps hurting her kids with her mean words, that I am sure she doesn't really mean, but there is only so much one can take. I keep hearing my Grandma talk at Dad's funeral saying what a "rock" or stable force he was in her life (which PISSED Mom off to know end, and I thought it was tacky at the time too) but NOW I think Grandma knew more than us girls did/do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 7:24am

Hi there,

I am so sorry for the losses you suffered.

The replies you received are wonderful. I am fairly new to Ivillage also. I just want you to know that I think you are doing the best you can with the losses you have suffered. Pain is horrible and while in pain, the mind sometimes tricks us that you will never feel better again. If you keep doing what you are doing, solace will come and you will be able to feel joy again. Express your pain, post here, talk to people who will listen and give yourself permission to not be happy, to worry, to be anxious. We live in a wonderful country but as Americans we want quick fixes. Loss has no quick fix but people overcome it every day. I hope your heart will feel better as soon as possible.