New Here, Just Lost Father

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
New Here, Just Lost Father
16
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:53pm

Hi I am new to this board, have been doing a little "lurking" but decided to post to see if there is anyone going through a similar situation as mine...

I just lost my father 11 days ago to pancreatic cancer... he was 74 years young and was diagnosed back in November shortly after Thanksgiving. His doctor was supposed to be such a great doctor, he acted like they had found the cancer early, that chemo and radiation should get rid of it. Well, they managed to shrink the tumor,and my dad even seemed to be feeling better but the doc said that the Whipple procedure where they remove the tumor and some of the pancreas would get rid of it. My father did not want this surgery at first, nor did my mom, but the doctor was so persistent about it and said that they had to have it done at that time or it would be too late if they waited. So my dad gave in and decided to have it done. I wish that he wouldn't have, because he never recovered from the surgery. He had alot of complications and his health kept deteriorating. He was tired and weak and would barely eat anything and was losing weight. The wonderful doctor kept sugar coating everything and said that my dad needed to exercise more and kept encouraging him to eat more, drink Ensure, etc. Well he tried but nothing helped, then he got so weak he kept falling. So around the end of May he was hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition. Ended up that he had a blockage going from his stomach to his intestines. The cancer had spread and the blockage was inoperable. So they put a drainage tube (forget what it's called) to drain the fluids from his stomach and told us that they couldn't do anything else for my dad and sent him home with Hospice in early June. July 13th he passed away at around 11:30 PM. It was almost a blessing to end his suffering, but it seems like this all happened so fast...when he passed away he was probably only 90 pounds and was so emaciated and skeletal, it was so painful to see him suffering like this. I cried so hard that night on the way over to their house, and when I got there. But in a way I felt relieved that the suffering was over for him.

Now I miss him terribly and it is starting to sink in. I did not cry at the showing/viewing. I cried at the funeral service, saying goodbye, it was so hard of course. I didn't cry for a few days after the funeral and felt like it was weird that I wasn't crying, it was almost like I was numb, I still couldn't believe he was gone.

I still can't believe it, but I went to the cemetery Sunday and got emotional, then yesterday and today I have been feeling anxiety and crying off and on yesterday and today, I feel like he is still here though and kind of talk to him sometimes already. I
I am angry with the doctor who tried to sugarcoat everything and then only to tell us it's too late that nothing else could be done to help him. My dad loved life, why did he have to get sick with this awful disease and have his life taken!?! I know he is in a better place, everyone keeps saying that but why couldn't something more have been done BEFORE it was too late? I know, pancreatic cancer is usually diagnosed later in the more advanced stages...but couldn't this damn doctor have been more honest with us?? Also if he only did the chemo/radiation maybe my dad would have been better off! My mom and siblings and people close to him keep wondering these "what if's"...it's just not fair :( I miss him sooooo much :( :( I have been having trouble sleeping and I know this is all probably normal but I just need someone, something to help the emotional pain that I am going through...

Anyways that is my story, sorry it is kind of long...

XOXOXO
Sue

Sue the Ho

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:13pm

((((((Sue))))))

Aww sweetie I am so very sorry for your loss. It is rough sweetheart and what your feeling is so normal. Remember, this is still a fresh open wound. You came to a wonderful place where there are wonderful ladies and a very soft place to land. Sometimes it is suggested that you contact Hospice and ask to be referred to a grief counselor. This might help.

My dad is under hospice right now and living with us. Yes it is hard but like you said, when he does pass it will be a blessing. I lost my mom in Dec of 2004. I still cry for my mom. You will be ok sweetheart. We never know why something happens the way it does, but alot of times we never do know why. Please please keep posting even if you just want to vent. Remember you never have to say your sorry for a long post or a rambleing post. I am the unofficial never have to say your sorry police lol.

Let the tears flow. Tears make room for for smiles and happy memories. THis is so new to you sweetie and yes it hurts like heck (you know what I mean), but that hurt will change. Please take care of your health, try to eat right and even if you go for a walk...go and walk. THere is not a right way or wrong way to grieve we all grieve in our own way and that is ok. We are here for you and are sending you a million and one cyber hugs.

Please let us know how your doing.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxo

Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:46pm

Emmybear,
I am so sorry you lost your father in such a tragic way. Just to let you know, all of your feelings are completely normal. My mom has been gone for 6 months and it's still weird to me that she isn't here. I got really emotional also at the funeral, and when I went to the cemetery too. I wish I could just tell you it will get better--I mean it will but it's going to take time.

Hope you feel better and that these words are at least a little helpful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:14am

(((((Sue))))), Gail did a wonderful job of welcoming you to our board.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:13am

Thank you so much everyone for the welcome. :) ((((((((((Hugs)))))) to you all :) I am going to try to read some posts, its just that my computer connection is a little slow and its frustrating.

Anyways, I am comforted by a few things, my mom keeps reminding my siblings and I how we all got to spend special time with him. That at least we knew that it was coming, and although that doesn't make the loss any easier, it was kind of a bonding time in a way. We all helped take care of him when he was sick, during those last few weeks. I had spent the night and day a couple of times, taking care of him when my mom needed a break or needed extra help, I got to sit with him, hold his hand, hug him (gently), kiss his forehead, and tell him how I loved him and how much he meant as a father. I even laid or sat beside of him in the hospital bed. He would get restless and want to get up and walk to the sofa and I would help him, then back to the bed, then back to the sofa, etc. He would get delusions and get restless but I just tried my best to try to make him as comfortable as possible. I didn't mind and I never turned down and opportunity to be there to take care of him. I told him that I loved him so much, that he was my hero, that I would always love him and keep him in my heart, that I would take care of my Mom, that my brothers and sisters and I would take care of each other, as well as the grandkids. My last words to him when he was still alive (even though he was in a coma-like state the last few days of his life), was that I would always love him, I would always be his little girl. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of this moment, I had to leave to go home that evening and didn't want to, before I left I told my mom that I needed to go tell dad bye and she said "Yes you better, it might be the last time you get to talk to him while he's alive" and she was right. Six hours later I received the call, my sister had been there and had seen him take his last breath. :( The Hospice nurse had been there earlier that afternoon while I was there and had noted that his blood pressure was very low, his eyes were glazed over and he had had a fever for the last couple of days. I had a good talk with the nurse that day and was very emotional, he sort of hugged me before he left, said that my mom and siblings had been a great bunch of people to work with because we cared and showed so much devotion to our father, that there were alot of families out there who didn't do that and didn't show that kind of love. Then didn't exactly say it directly but he sort of said something that gave me the indication that it would be the last time he'd be there, and he later told my mom outside that my dad wasn't going to make it through the weekend. My mom came in with tears in her eyes and then I really knew that it was going to be soon.

My poor father, he looked so awful at the end...I never knew it would get that bad, how much weight he lost, he didn't even look like himself! Man this is making me cry....oh well I guess it's good to cry and let it out sometimes. It seems like it helps me. I suffer from anxiety/depression (more the anxiety part) and it seems like crying helps release some of the tension.

I tried to go work out at the fitness center the other day when I felt depressed, however, it had been so long since I had exercised, I ended up having heart palpitations (I have mitral valve prolapse) so didn't really feel much better afterwards. I might try the walking thing instead, I have a miniature dachshund who has put on a few pounds so maybe I can take my daughters and him for walk.

I have two young daughters who miss their Grandpa but they know that he is in a better place, I have told them that they are in Heaven and no longer sick and hurting and is happy. So they are happy for him. My older kids, my sons who are 13 and 15, however, have cried about it, especially my 15 year old as he was very close to his grandpa and even helped take care of him and spent the night a few times during those last few weeks, he helped give him his medication and enjoyed helping my mother take care of him. So I am trying to be there for my son especially because I know he is having a rough time with this loss. :(

I have a picture of my father and I that was taken back last October before he was diagnosed,it was at his 74th birthday party, it is a great pic because we both look so happy, no idea that he had cancer and all of this was going to happen :( I am thinking of having the picture enlarged and framed, it just helps right now to look at pictures of him and gather memorobilia, looking at old pictures of him, even some funny ones where I can smile and remember the good times. This helps me as well.

I am going to be spending extra time with my mom this week, or rather have been spending time, my daughters are going to Bible school and it is about 5 minutes away from where she lives. My husband is going out of town next week and I don't want to be alone, and I know that she will be alone (even though one of my brothers lives there but he is always at his gf's house it seems.

Ok, I am done for now...gosh this is even longer than the first one lol Thanks for the warm welcome ladies. You all seem very friendly and it is a little comforting to know that I am not alone in this, and will try to be there for you all as well.

Hugs,

Sue

Sue the Ho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:46am

Sue, I know this is going to sound really wierd, but I want you to know you are doing a great job allowing yourself to engage in the grieving process.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:02am
Sue,
I have also lost my dad. Renal failure 3 years ago.. He was on dialysis for 3 years and suffered every minute. I blame his doctors also because there was no hope for daddy. Kidney transplant was out of the question because of heart problems and his age. He was 75. They should have told him there was no more they could do but for him but to go to dialysis to survive. Finally when he had to go to the hospital for congestive heart failure and then dementia set in, mom took him off dialysis. We put him into a Hospice Care Center and it was wonderful even though he was only there for 3 hours. The hospital did not tell us he was this close to dealth. I lay on his bed and begged him to breathe and then the next minute watching him turn gray begging for him to let go. It was horrible. He died in my arms. At the viewing I did not cry or at the funeral but now I do cry sometimes. I had a grandaughter born just 3 months after daddy died with some health problems and I think I really never grieved because I was so focused on my her.I could only think of my mom being lonely after my grandaughter pulled through and she is healthy. I could not sleep and could not concentrate. I finally went to my doctor and got medicine for my depression and sleeping pattern.It has really helped a lot. I was to the point all I wnated to do was lay on he couch when I got home from work and all my family and friends and co workers saw the change in me when the dealth finally hit me. Seek some couseling or a close friend. It has really helped me. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:23am

I have been trying to prepare for all this, I read on the Hospice website as well as some info that Hospice gave us to read so they have been a big help. Also I have a friend who lost her father seven months ago to stomach cancer, she has been very helpful as well, she told me to spend as much time with my dad as possible and to make sure that I did all these things, to tell him how much I loved him, etc. I think I even one time told him I was sorry for being such a brat when I was growing up and all the headaches that I had caused him and my mom lol. Anyways it felt good to tell him these things.

At the viewing my sister found these pieces of stationery that the funeral home provided and also some that kids could use to make a card or whatever. You write to your deceased loved one, write them a letter or whatever. I did this too and had my daughters to make a card with the kids' stationary as I mentioned. Then the next day on the day of the funeral we put the letter and cards inside of a little drawer in the casket. I don't know if my sister wrote a letter or not, I didn't ask since I figured this was personal and not the right time to mention it anyway.

I still feel this sort of depressed feeling, I guess I am handling it well but been eating alot lately (comfort eating isn't that what it's called) and am tired quite a bit. Also I was kind of grouchy and irritable with DH last night. I feel like he doesn't care or understand my emotions of what I am going through even though he has lost both of his parents, they passed away 10 and 12 years ago. He has reminded me several tims that both of his parents are gone, and it was even worse for him, plus my dad was like a second father for him. Okay, I understand that but it doesn't make it any easier for me! He has never been supportive through my bouts of depression in the past and always tells me that I have to "deal with it" or "get a grip", etc. No antidepressants or nerve pills for me, he says he'll divorce me if I get on that stuff. And then counseling, forget that too.

Well here I go again rambling. I am stuck here most of the day waiting for UPS to deliver a package so I'm probably going to be online most of the morning and then cleaning the house, even though I am not even motivated to do that lately. :(

XOXOXO
Sue

Sue the Ho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:58pm

Sue, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your husband.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 5:48pm

Hi Sue


I am Beth, the other (MIA) cl. I am sorry I didn't get a chance to write to you earlier. I am glad that you found support here. I am always amazed at the love this board has. I believe it is a tribute to those we have lost that we are so willing to extend friendship to others in similar situations.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:12am

Thank you all for your messages and support...Some days I feel fine and then other days I feel so emotional, anxious and irritable then crying or on the verge of tears. I don't know how I managed to do the preparing, I think that the time that my siblings, mother and I had left to spend with my dad after he came home from the hospital with Hospice(almost 5 weeks) helped us prepare, to hug him and tell him as often as we wanted to let him know how much we all loved him. I just can't believe how thin and frail that he got with the cancer...I never imagined he would get like that, it was so painful seeing this happening to him. We all did our best to provide lots of TLC to him and making him as comfortable as possible.

Sunday night and then again tonight I watched some home videos of him at my kids' birthday parties and one of the family Christmas parties a couple of years ago and how healthy he looked, he was such a sweet, caring fun-loving father/grandfather. I just miss him so much. I have been to the cemetery twice now and don't want to go too often or people will think I need help or something. The only help I think I need at this point is nerve pills or a light sleeping pill. I have been waking up almost every night having panic attacks, I wake up and feel like I can't breathe and my heart is racing. Hubby went out of town this week on business and last night I woke up and had this attack and then a very scared feeling...finally went back to sleep and then it happened to me again. I am also sick with a summer cold now (yippee) sinuses are all stuffy and hurt probably due to all the stress that I have been through, so this doesn't help matters needless to say.

Anyways, still hanging in there...and missing him SO BADLY. Now I feel guilty and wish I would have spent more time with him when he was well and before he got sick but I know, can't change the past.

My mom is staying at my house tonight, I have still been spending alot of time with her and invited her over for dinner. I hope that it makes her feel better, I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. She is having a hard time with the grief as well as adjusting to paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, etc, stuff that my dad did in the past. I am trying to help but I am no good at finances as my husband does most of this as well too.

Well gotta go, its almost 2 a.m., need to try to get some sleep though I know I probably won't get much....

XOXOXO
Sue

Sue the Ho

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